Why did I do it?

I NEVER watch Oprah. I swear...she has just never appealed to me. Especially lately with the creepy new age stuff she's into (I hear). But, today, I was flying through the channels and noticed that an audience view showed a lot of pink. Since I'm rather new to this breast cancer thing, pink sometimes gets my attention. Well, guess what? Today her show was about breast cancer. I didn't stay long....just enough to see Christina Applegate and the founder of the Komen Foundation talk about their experiences. And, long enough to remind me that this IS a life threatening illness and that regardless of the odds...me, my body, my will and my spirit must fight this!!! It has to be done! I guess even during treatment you can get lulled into thinking that all that your "doing" will be successful and that I'll "never" have to worry again. WRONG.
This is my life, my new "normal". Everything that I do from now on out will always be seen through the back drop of cancer. Sometimes I still can't believe that this has happened to me.
Why couldn't it have been something like chronic bunions or lifelong hay fever? Why did it have to be cancer?

I'm having a pity party...ya'll want to come?

Feast of Angels

I am very fond of our Guardian Angels and this Feast Day. Even as a child, my mom would read to me about them and we would often pray for their protection. I got out of the habit of paying much attention to them as an adult...until I had children. I guess in many ways, parents feel as though we need all the help we can get in taking care of these precious gifts that God has allowed us to have. We cannot be everywhere nor see everything. We must rely on heaven to assist us if we are to live out our faith with any success. It's just how it should be.

Ever since Nathan began school, he and I have said our Guardian Angel prayer in the morning. I am now doing this with Amelia too. To me, it helps to start the day out right. For starters, I wrote the prayer out on lined paper and it has been sitting on our refrigerator now for 3 years. My hope is that the familiarity of it will bring it to their minds and hearts in a time of need.

I might have to rewrite it as it's getting a little torn up.

This isn't the tradition prayer. This one seemed simpler to me and made more sense when praying it with children.

"Guardian Angel, protect me today. Watch over me while I work and play. Let me be kind and loving and good. Help me to do the things I should. Amen"

My goal for celebrating this feast day was first to just talk about our angels. While we did our craft project, Nathan read from the Catechism about angels. We talked about whether or not they had bodies and wings. We discussed where they lived and what their jobs were. We all decided that when you're tiny babies...God actually lets you see them sometimes...but when you're bigger...he doesn't let you unless he needs you to for a very special reason. We all agreed that they are with us all the time and that they never sleep.

The craft was pretty simple...just some votive candles, glass holders and some pretty cool jewel stickers. We also added some ribbon. Each of them got to decorate their glass candle holder with the stick on jewels and then we added the candles and I helped with the ribbon. It was really easy, not at all messy and kept their interest because it was quick. When we were done, we lit the candles and turned out the light.

After lighting them, we set the table for dinner and ate with the candles burning. As part of our blessing, Nathan recited the Prayer to St. Michael. It was my full intention to have made an angel food cake earlier in the day...but...that did not happen for chemo related reasons.

All in all, it was fun and I hope it allows the kids to remember that they are never, ever alone. Heavenly hosts surround them always.

Post Chemo #1, Day 6 (morning)

I think they should call this ride the "chemo rollercoaster". There is no guarantee that you'll feel any particular way at any particular time. Yesterday started off yucky but got progressively better. By dinner time, I was feeling well enough to eat and to interact more with the kids. We were even able to do our project for the Feast of the Angels. Although, it was minimized somewhat.
I think I have learned two important things.....#1. When I feel like I can hardly move, I need to not move. That means to just find the most comfortable position I can and lay there. Sleep and rest is the key. #2. I need to eat. Sometimes, the queasiness makes the thought of eating unbearable, but, if you can get just a little something in your stomach...you'd be doing yourself a huge favor.
Although I can't be sure, I'm hopeful that I am on the upswing for feeling better. I know that I have not yet reached the point where my white count will be at their lowest....but maybe my booster shot will help with that and I can just live out the rest of this cycle...tired but functional.

All the numbers on my chemo meter are low this morning. I'd give myself a "2" for overall.
I'll post some pictures later of our tribute to our guardian angels.

Post Chemo #1, Day 5 (morning)

The days are starting to run together on me. Dan had to remind me that it was Monday today. Last night was bad...worse than I had hoped. I felt really awful. As it turned out...I had a slight fever (101). They said to call if your fever gets above 100.5. So, I called. They were really good about it. The on call doctor thought it was still too early for my fever to be caused by low blood counts. He figured it really is just a virus of some kind. He asked me to take ibuprofen every 6 hours and to call back in the morning. The motrin helped. I got some relief and some sleep.

Feeling weak and shaky this morning..but...life must go on. A nice long, hot shower helped. I'll be taking Olivia to school soon. I will try to keep my mind off of my misery and hopefully I can get through it easier.



Fatigue Meter: 5
Nausea Meter: 2
Anxiety Meter: 0
Vomiting Meter: 0
Pain Meter: 3
Overall Meter: 3

Ok...Uncle.

Things have gotten worse as the day has progressed. I have felt pretty much queasy all day. I ache so bad that I can hardly move. My neck and sholders feel like...well...I don't know what they feel like, but they feel bad. I can't get rid of this headache either. My mouth hurts, my chin hurts and I can't get comfortable.
I hope this doesn't last that much longer. I haven't been out of bed all day...no shower....I haven't even thought about getting dressed. I feel like crying but it might make things hurt worse. I don't even feel much like doing a copy and paste to put my chemo meter in here. Suffice it to say...most of the numbers are up.
Dan has to work tomorrow....so it should be interesting. Hopefully, Olivia will be cooperative and just play on her own. I still have to drive her to school around 9am...wish me luck.

Sorry, can't type anymore. The angels will have to wait until tomorrow.

Post Chemo #1, Day 4 (morning)

Every joint and bone in my body is on alert this morning. When I got out of bed, I literally felt as though I had just run a marathon! Now, for any of you who know me....trust me, I've never run a race..let alone a marathon! But I swear I know what your body must feel like afterwards.
I hardly interacted with anyone last night...just slept. I would like to try and get something done today...anything at all...but, it may just be another bust.

The kids and I will be doing our angels craft! I've been looking forward to this one for a while. I've borrowed the idea from another wonderful blogger, Dawn. I absolutely love checking in with her each day to see what they're doing up in New England. Here is the idea that I'm stealing....although it won't be exactly the same.

Also, here's another great site for finding out what menu is on the table during any number of Catholic feast days...it's called Catholic Cuisine.

Chemo Meter is looking ok this morning:

Fatigue Meter: 3
Nausea Meter: 0
Anxiety Meter: 0
Vomiting Meter: 0
Pain Meter: 0
Overall Meter: 3

Have a wonderful Sunday. Enjoy your family, enjoy your surroundings, enjoy all of your blessings and don't forget to be thankful for everything.

Evening update

As I sit here writing out this post...I can honestly say that I have done absolutely NOTHING today! I felt pretty good when I got up...had some energy and wanted to get started with the day. As the kids and I waited on our friend to come pick them up....I started moving a lot slower. I took the kids outside because it was a gorgeous morning. I sat and they played. I tried to keep them out of the dirt and mud....I was almost successful. As I sat in the swing watching them play, I fell asleep. I kept dozing on and off as they woke me to show me various bugs and boo-boos. When Paige came to get them, I said good bye and headed straight for my bed. While I had only been up about 2 hours....I was exhausted.
My sweet cleaning elves were here too! They come every month to help keep the house in order. I was extremely grateful for them this morning because I can tell you without a doubt...I could not have tackled any housework today. They worked and quietly left. I continued to sleep until the phone rang about 4:30pm. Dan and the kids got home about 5:00pm. I got something to eat and I'm now sitting in bed again. Dan took the kids off for a while to drop off a birthday present to a friend.

I feel as though a truck has hit me. My joints are aching a little and my throat feels a little funny. Almost the way you feel when you're about to come down with something. Mentally, I feel foggy. Although an argument can be made that I seem to live in a permanent fog...all the time. Today, I plead the 5th on that one.

I won't do an installment of the Chemo Meter tonight...mostly because the only one I would mention would be the fatigue meter. For that one, I'd have to give it a 5. Other than that, I'm doing ok.

Thank you again for all of your calls, cards, prayers and gifts. They mean so much to me. I hope to someday be able to give back to you all that you've given me...at least to be able to "pay it forward" some how. I love you guys.

Post Chemo #1, Day 3 (morning)

Strangely enough, I feel pretty normal this morning. I slept well. I took a nap when I got home from work and then woke up in time to watch the debates. I felt slightly nauseous after the debates....but I think that was political in nature!!! I was able to go right back to sleep.
I woke up feeling like myself. My legs still feel slightly heavy upon getting up at first and I did have a slight headache. But really...I feel pretty good this morning. Let's hope it lasts.
Here is the Chemo Meter for this morning:

Fatigue Meter: 2
Nausea Meter: 0
Anxiety Meter: 0
Vomiting Meter: 0
Pain Meter: 0
Overall Meter: 2

One of my very good friends is going to pick up the kids this morning and take them for a few hours. This is a blessing! I'll tell you why....the first thing Nathan asked me this morning after he had his breakfast....
"Mom, do guts have guts?"

I do not know why he wanted to know this nor was interested in answering him. But, I think I should avoid any questions that could possible make me queasy these days!!!

Post Chemo #1, Day 2 (evening)

I seemed to have made it though day 2 relatively unscathed. I had my shot of Nuelasta today. I had to wait for over an hour until my insurance company approved the injection. I was told today that the actual injection itself is $3000. I was floored!! Just think...I will have three more of them. Thank God for insurance.

Started to feel a little puny right before leaving work. I took a nausea pill and it seemed to help. We just finished dinner and I will probably not make it for the 9:00pm debate tonight...Im fading fast. Here is my Chemo Meter for tonight:

Fatigue Meter: 5 (extremely tired/sleepy)
Nausea Meter: 0
Anxiety Meter: 0
Vomiting Meter: 0
Pain Meter: 0
Overall Meter: 5 (extremely tired/sleepy)

Also...my face feels pretty flushed as well as my neck and chest. I'm not sure which of the several medications might cause this. My legs still feel really heavy but my hands are not as shaky as earlier. I imagine that all of you will quite bored with day to day physical ailments...
but, I will still post them. This is for me..so that I can remember how this journey unfolded.

Thanks for being a part of it.

Post Chemo #1, Day 2

Last night was ok. I was able to eat dinner (chicken and rice...mostly rice). I took all my medications. I didn't have any nausea but I had awful, awful heartburn. I felt like everything I ate was sitting right in my chest most of the night. I slept ok, but somehow, Amelia ended up in bed with us. I finally got up about 4:30am and moved to the chair. I haven't really been back to sleep again.
I took my temp this morning....98.6 on the dot. I do have a pretty intense headache though. Took some motrin for that. I plan to go to work today...at least from about 8:00am until somewhere around 10:00am when I have to go for my Nuelasta shot.
No nausea this morning yet. I'm eating some toasted pumpkin bread so I have something on my stomach to take my other morning meds.
My limbs (mostly my hands) feel very shaky. I'm having to type very slow to get my fingers to work correctly. This of course, could just be related to old age!!! I guess I can start to blame every downfall of mine on chemo, cancer or old age!! It couldn't possibly be just my own character flaws...right?

Well, I'll touch base later today although it appears Blogger will be down for awhile at around 4:00pm. Anyway..here is my Chemo Meter for today at 6:00am:


Fatigue Meter: 2
Nausea Meter: 0
Anxiety Meter: 1
Vomiting Meter: 0
Pain Meter: 0
Overall Meter: 1

Chemotherapy #1

Well, I've made it through the first treatment!! One down, three to go! I have to say, this was not a bad experience today. Really. I mean, everybody was extremely nice, the chairs are comfortable, there were snacks and drinks, blankets and pillows, a tv, dvd player....all the comforts of home. The only bad part was the fact that you are there to have nothing but pure POISON put into your veins. Anyway, I thought I'd share a couple of pictures with you

This was my chair for today. Very comfy. It went all the way back. You probably can't tell but that is a brand new FSU pillow. Some of the nurses make these little pillows and she had just brought that one in. I took it in honor of my two nephews...Michael and Christopher.

I dozed off now and then. The pre meds worked well for relaxation and I was very comfortable. Accessing my port was not painful either and even though it was a pain in the you know what to get through that surgery...it was one of my better decisions in life.

In my bag, I had my medical binder, two sudoku books, a novel yet to be started, 3 fall magazines, my camera, my phone and a couple of boxes of thank you notes that I really need to get written. I also brought along a prayer blanket that I had been given by a dear friend.

This other picture is of the room I was in. There are four rooms in all. This room had 6 chairs in it. Mine is right to the left of the back window. There was only one other woman there at the time I arrived. By the time I left several hours later....All of the chairs were filled. Apparently they do other infusions there besides chemo...they infuse blood, antibiotics and other fluids for dehydration.

And this sweet little girl was my nurse for today...Kari. She was so sweet and spoke with such a soft southern voice. She was so kind and understanding. I felt very comfortable around her and hopefully she will be there for my next appointment.

All in all, today has gone well so far. I got the first chemo drug (the taxotere) at 10:50am. The second drug (the cytoxan) was finished at about 1:00pm. They say some of the side effects can begin anywhere from 3 to 10 hours after the treatment and last for about 72 hours. It's 3:00pm now so I guess I'm still in the honeymoon period. I've eaten very light today. Dan took me to get my hair cut right after he picked me up from treatment...it's nice and short. Hopefully this will make it easier when it begins to fall out.

I also thought I'd show you my arsenal for all that ails me. 6 prescripstions really isn't that bad. Hey, if they all work....I'm good with it.

It almost looks like a pharmacy on my kitchen window. I promise...I don't have a drug addition in spite of what it might look like!!

I guess I should start off with my Chemo Meter...even though I feel ok...but here goes:

Fatigue Meter: 1

Nausea Meter: 0

Anxiety Meter: 4

Vomiting Meter: 0

Pain Meter: 0

Overall Meter: 1

I'd say that's pretty good for just a few hours after my first treatment. I'm quite sure it will change by tomorrow, but, I'll let you know. I am feeling more tired as I sit here and type.

Thank you for all of your prayers. They mean so much to me.

Cancer treatment with Moe, Larry & Curly!!!

After I posted the fiasco that transpired earlier this week with my oncologist's office, I didn't think it could get any worse. But, alas, it can and it did!
I finally got the appointments all settled with the PA. We were good to go! Then, about an hour later, I got a call from another person (her name escapes me) asking me if I had ever had the Cat Scan! Heeelllloooooo! For pete's sake! I told her that I was scanned back on September 5th and that I know for a fact that Dr. Marks had already seen it because he ordered the ultrasound to check out the ovarian cyst. Geez Louise! Her reponse: Oh.
I'm still not feeling very confident right now in this oncology team. But, I'm not sure any other doctor can get up to speed before treatment starts....which by the way....IS TOMORROW!

When I got there today for the lab work....I waited in the chair after being called to the back for over 5 minutes for the lab tech to come and stick me. When she finally showed up, she was frowning and explained that she hadn't forgotten about me....it was just that my doctor had ordered a lab test that none of them in the lab had ever heard of!! That's right...none of them!
To add to my rising blood pressure....she also told me that they are not allowed to use the portacath for the blood draw. Now....that was one of the reasons I got the darn thing in the first place! Apparently there is a difference between the techs in the "regular lab" and the techs in the "infusion lab". Whatever.
It took three lab techs and two painful sticks to find a vein. But, who's counting?

Getting to see the doctor was a relief by this point. We talked for a long time about all my lab reports...except for the ones that were NOT in my chart...the same ones he left the exam room TWICE to go get while swearing under his breath that "someone was not going to have a job next week". I assume that is the same secretary that messed up so badly with me. Perhaps I'm not the only person she's created problems for. Anyway....he informed me that tomorrow would be my day. Here's the regimen.

I will get 4 treatments of TC or Cytoxan and Taxotere. That is...one treatment every 3 weeks starting tomorrow. The day after chemo, I will come back to their office for a shot of Neulasta...a white blood cell building agent. He also gave me several prescriptions for nausea and anxiety. One was for a drug that I am allergic to....he fixed this snafu pretty quickly once I sent the nurse to tell him. He apologized for all the confusion. Tell it to the judge!!! He switched it for Ativan disolved under the tongue and Tigan tablets for the nausea. I can also use the Ativan for anxiety. I've already taken my Decadron pre-treatment for today. This is supposed to help avert an alergic reaction to these toxic chemicals being forced into my veins. I will also receive all of these meds tomorrow through my IV before the chemo is given. My hair will start to disappear...slowly at first...at around week 2. It will probably all be gone by my next treatment.
If all goes well and I don't end up with any infections or other problems....I should be done with chemo by the beginning of December. He said that "other than the cancer", I am a very healthy woman. I think he was trying to be funny. Oh, one other thing...he said that given all of the factors regarding my cancer....I have a greater than 90% chance of living for 5 years or more.
While I know this is good news....it seems strange to hear. I mean...this implies that there is a slight chance that I could be dead in 5 years. Very, very weird to contemplate this! I must tell you.....I could have gone my entire life without hearing those words. But, at the same time....given the circumstances....this is really GOOD NEWS!!

Anyway, please continue to pray that I will still be able to take care of the kids and work during treatment. Please also pray for Dan...he needs the strength and the patience to be able to deal with all of this.

Well, I'll keep you all informed as much as I can as to how things are going. Tomorrow will begin the new "Chemo Meter" in my posts. This will let you know how I'm feeling by a scale of 1-10.... for various issues (nausea, fatigue, etc...). If I feel up to it...I will post...if I'm not...then I won't. I know you'll understand.

This wild ride is about to begin! Fasten your seatbelts and hold on!!

How Autumn Are You?

Your Autumn Test Results

You are a playful, spirited person. You have a limitless imagination and amazing creative talents. When you are happiest, you are calm. You appreciate tradition and family. You enjoy feeling cozy. You tend to be afraid of change. You are never ready for things to be different. You find love to be the most comforting thing in the world. You feel at peace when you're with your loved ones. Your ideal day is chill and uneventful. You prefer to kick back and take it easy. You are nostalgic. You can't truly appreciate something until it has come and gone.

The Autumn Test

I'm not too impressed...

I finally heard from the oncologist's office today. However, this was not due to any effort on their part...at all! When Dan and I first met with Dr. Marks, he gave the impression that I would be starting chemo within 2 weeks. At that time, I needed to have the portacath placed and have that cyst on my ovary checked out. Both have been completed. I waited for a couple of days assuming I would hear from oncology. I didn't. Finally, on Thursday, I called and left a message for his nurse. I had no response Thursday, Friday or yesterday. I called today to schedule another apointment with the psychologist (this is routine) and he was quite shocked to hear my plight. Within five minutes of hanging up with him.....I received a call from the oncologist's PA who apologized up and down for not contacting me sooner. She said that Dr. Marks is just waiting for my lab results. What lab results? I haven't had any lab done yet!! They really dropped the ball here and I'm trying to figure out what to do.

In the meantime, she (the PA) called back and I'm scheduled for lab work tomorrow morning at 9:00am with an appointment to see Dr. Marks at 9:40am and my "teaching" at 10:00am. I assume the teaching is just a tour of the area and a meeting with a nurse to talk about the drugs I will receive and their related side effects and such.

I truly hope that this whole mess is not something that happens on a regular basis with this group. Totally forgetting about a patient does not seem like good medicine to me. While I'm not in any rush to start chemo....I do want to get it over with! I guess I'm as prepared as I'll every be.
We've talked with the kids and told them what is likely to happen while receiving treatment. They have seen my wig (we call her "Rachel) and have even tried it on. I'm hoping that the anticipation of it all is worse than the treatment itself. I guess I'll know soon enough. I'm going to try and focus on the fact that all of this is temporary. I won't be on chemo forever and I know that there is a light at the end of my tunnel. That being said....I am extremely anxious! I think "worry" could be my middle name.

I CAN do this! I WILL do this!!

Padre Pio pray for us!

St. Pio of Pietrelcina

Dear God, You generously blessed Your servant, St. Pio of Pietrelcina, with the gifts of the Spirit. You marked his body with the five wounds of Christ Crucified, as a powerful witness to the saving Passion and Death of Your Son. Endowed with the gift of discernment, St. Pio labored endlessly in the confessional for the salvation of souls. With reverence and intense devotion in the celebration of Mass, he invited countless men and women to a greater union with Jesus Christ in the Sacrament of the Holy Eucharist.Through the intercession of St. Pio of Pietrelcina, I confidently beseech You to grant me the grace of (here state your petition). Amen. Glory be to the Father... (three times).

Simple Woman's Daybook

Please visit Peggy at the Simple Woman's blog!!

FOR TODAY Monday, September 22, 2008...

Outside My Window...stillness, absolutely no wind, no movement

I am thinking... I have so much to do today

I am thankful for... LIFE

From the kitchen... vegetable beef soup and corn muffins a friend just brought over

I am wearing... still in pajamas

I am creating...a master plan for when chemo starts

I am going...to call the pediatrician when they open because the girls are sick

I am reading... my October issue of Family Fun Magazine

I am hoping...to get all the laundry done today

I am hearing...Brian Kilmead's voice from Fox and Friends

Around the house... dusting needs to be done

One of my favorite things...watching my children laugh

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week... work, chemo, family time

Here is picture thought I am sharing...

Is it just me?

A couple of weeks ago I posted a short note (click here to read it) regarding the letter to the USSCB regarding the use of the word "Yahweh" during mass. I had no idea that it would end up being my own parish that went against the rules....and so quickly!! I have read the letter that was sent to the Bishops from the Congregation For Divine Worship. It seems pretty clear to me. Today, after mass, some other parishioners and I were talking about it and it seems they either heard or were told that the reason this came about was so as to not offend our Jewish brothers and sisters. Hmmm. It's funny, the letter doesn't mention this at all. In case you're interested, here is the document. You read it and see for yourself...go ahead....I'll wait.

Inspite of this...we sang "Yahweh, I Know You Are Near" today. I'm not really sure what to make of this. I consider our pastor very orthodox. I mean, liturgically speaking, I think we follow the rules pretty well. I can't tell if this is just an honest mistake...as in "oops, I forgot" or if this is a purposeful, in your face "I don't like this rule so I'm not going to follow it" kind of thing. I know our pastor pretty well and I am also very fond of him. Likewise, our choir director is a wonderful man who just recently came into the Church. Since we (actually "I") are on the subject of liturgical abuses....let me mention a few others that really bug me.

1. As if singing "You Are Near" was not enough...we also applauded today during mass. We applauded all of the catechetical ministers (teachers). Apparently, we were recognizing all of the people in our parish who participate in teaching our children. Now, don't get me wrong...I appreciate them VERY much, but, I don't think the middle of mass was the appropriate time to do this. After or before mass would have been much better...that is....in my humble opinion. I'm sure that there are very valid arguments in favor and/or opposing this practice. It just bugs me.

2. I am totally speechless with how people are dressing for church these days. I know we live in Florida...but, geez. It isn't just the teenagers either. I have seen adult women in halter tops and shirts so low cut that I was scared something might fall out. I wonder how some of these parents can let their children out the door like this. Is it laziness? Is it a blatant disregard for the Holiness of God? Do these people not realize that Jesus is truly present in the Eucharist? Daisy Duke shorts are not appropriate...sleeveless shirts are not appropriate....flip-flops are not appropriate. Why doesn't anybody say anything? It needs to come from the pulpit! When Dan and I visited St. Peter's in Rome...there were signs all over the place (with pictures for those who can't read) showing what is NOT APPROPRIATE to wear inside of a church!! Even here in Jackonville there is at least one church I know of where there is a sign, upon entering, asking everyone to dress appropriately. I could not envision myself going up to communion to take Our Lord into my mouth....half naked! It's just not right.

3. Sitting in the cry room sometimes gives you a vantage point that you would never get otherwise. What you would see...would amaze you! For one thing...about half the church leaves before the priest. I can't get over it. People make the decision and effort to come to mass, but don't have the courtesy to wait until the priest has exited the church. I guess they are in a great hurry...to what? To turn the tv on for the football game? To get something to eat? To be the first one out of the parking lot? What is it that makes spending even one extra minute in church so devastatingly horrible that they can't wait for the priest to leave first?

4. I am part of a ministry at our church called the Altar Rosary Society. We are a group of women that take turns on a weekly basis to make sure the church and the sanctuary are cleaned and taken care of. As far as I'm concerned, it is a blessing and privilege to be able to do this. When we clean the pews...we find some of the most disgusting things......crushed and sticky cheerios....fake fingernails.....hair.....and not long ago....we found a Consecrated Host with a bite taken out of it! What is wrong with people???!!!!

Ok...so my complaining is not really getting us anywhere. I guess it's kind of like dealing with children....you pick your battles and go from there.

Halloween Crafts

Since we were out and about and the urgent care center was too busy, I wandered on over to Hobby Lobby to see what was on sale. All of their seasonal items are 40% off (and any wall decor was 50% off). I thought I would do some crafts with the kids especially since the girls still have sticky eyes!!

This turned out to be fun! These pictures are of all of my supplies and then our finished products.

Note to self: Black glitter, glue and little kids....don't mix!!!

Pink Eye

Well, it seems as though Amelia and Olivia have pinkeye today. They both woke up with one crusty eye. If we don't take care of this quickly, it will mean no school for either of them on Monday. We got out of the house early...in an attempt to go to a nearby urgent care center. The parking lot was full so....I kept driving. I think I have some drops from the last time. Let's hope this doesn't spread through the family.

Shopping!

Apparently, Nathan's birthday money has been burning a hole in his wallet! He's been asking (no, that would be begging) to go to the store every night since his beautiful brown eyes caught sight of the green stuff. Every evening he takes out his wallet and carefully counts out his money.....each time, it's the same...$72.00. Well, tonight he could wait no more!

After dinner he and I slipped out to Walmart to see what we could find. He decided he didn't want to spend it all at once. Perhaps he's starting to "get" the concept that money doesn't grow on trees and that saving some for a rainy day makes sense.

Anyway, we spent about an hour wandering the store until he saw something that he couldn't live without. We came home with this, this and this. He still has about $20 left over!!

He and Dan are eating popcorn and watching the movie now.

She put me in my place!!!

This is a real conversation I had with Olivia (she'll be 3 years old next month) on Wednesday at about 7:15 in the morning:

Olivia: Mom, can I have some gum?

Me: No, it's barely 7am and you haven't even had breakfast yet.

Olivia: Please...I promise I won't swallow it?

Me: I said no and don't ask me again!!

Olivia (with arms folded and a frown): Humph....I'm getting rid of you!!!!


Hey..as far as I'm concerned....a white sandy beach with crystal clear water sounds good to me!! Can she "get rid of me" there???? I'll go willingly!

Phew!

My ultrasound brought good news! The cyst....is just a cyst! I have also developed a fibroid tumor but I know that both of these things are pretty normal for someone my age....OLD!! I'm very relieved. Later this afternoon, I noticed a rash all over my chest and neck. I'm still trying to figure out if it's just prickly heat or stress. I think all of this is just more than I can handle sometimes. Have you ever heard anybody complain more than me? I swear...I haven't even begun treatment yet and I have more woes than anybody I know!

After dropping the kids off to school this morning, I walked on over for 8:00 mass. It always feels so good when I can start my day this way! The first reading was I Corinthians 12:31 - 13:13....you know the one that is read at most weddings:

Brothers and sisters:Strive eagerly for the greatest spiritual gifts.But I shall show you a still more excellent way.If I speak in human and angelic tonguesbut do not have love,I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.And if I have the gift of prophecyand comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge;if I have all faith so as to move mountains,but do not have love, I am nothing.If I give away everything I own,and if I hand my body over so that I may boastbut do not have love, I gain nothing.Love is patient, love is kind.It is not jealous, love is not pompous,it is not inflated, it is not rude,it does not seek its own interests,it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,it does not rejoice over wrongdoingbut rejoices with the truth.It bears all things, believes all things,hopes all things, endures all things.Love never fails.If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing;if tongues, they will cease;if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.For we know partially and we prophesy partially,but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.When I was a child, I used to talk as a child,think as a child, reason as a child;when I became a man, I put aside childish things.At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror,but then face to face.At present I know partially;then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.So faith, hope, love remain, these three;but the greatest of these is love.

Anyway, Fr. Fred was saying in his homily that it might be interesting to see how this passage plays out after couples have been married a few years!! In essence, this passage is a description of Jesus' attributes and our job is to strive to be like Him! It is easy to follow these guidelines for love while we are newly married. It's another thing to hold these virtues close after the honeymoon is over. I agree with this, in theory...however, it hasn't really been my experience as of yet. Dan and I haven't been married all that long. We're working on 11 years, but, I can tell you that I love him more today than I did back then. To me, it's easier to love this way now. We aren't trying to impress each other...we know faults and short comings...we know attitudes and habits. Sometimes, these aren't things we're proud of about ourselves...but it's real....it's really who we are.
Our lives have changed drastically since we first met. In our early days, we moved about our lives much differently. When God says, "the two shall become one" he wasn't kidding (is He ever???). I know that we did become one on that day back in November of 1997...but it was more symbolic to me then. Today, this is reality. I feel as though Dan is just an extension of myself. We are on such a deeper level now. Our hearts are one, our thoughts are one, our lives truly are one. This is how I know that without a doubt, God brought us together for a purpose...a Divine Purpose. Three of those "purposes" also live in this house with us. God has brought Dan and I closer to Himself through our committment to each other. I understand now in a real way, the analogy of the Bride of Christ. I am blessed with the best husband and father ever!! He truly is my soul mate and I'm so glad we are sharing this adventure together.

Whew...that was a little deep for a Tuesday! How did I go from talking about uterine fibroids and ovarian cysts to the Bride of Christ???? Oh well, I suppose if you can follow my train of thought....you can follow anything!

How some did it!

Since I was so lax in doing anything creative of my own, here are just a few of my favorite bloggers and how they celebrated these last two feast days...

Suzanne G....aren't her daughters gorgeous???

Margaret.....this was a great idea!!!

St. Athanasius Academy...I couldn't tell what was in the crockpot at first!!!

If I could, I would spend a lot of time doing things like this with my kids...it just feels right! Just so you know, I've already visited the craft store (Hobby Lobby is the BEST place!!) and I'm armed and ready for the Feast of the Angels at the end of this month. Just wait until you see what we're going to attempt for that one!!! The kids will love it and I think it's a great way to celebrate and thank those angels that guard and protect us night and day!!

Feast Days...

I'm all talk....no action. I can talk the talk but I'm not so good at walking the walk. There have been two feast days this week that I really wanted to blog about but didn't find the time.
The first was Sunday....The Feast of the Holy Cross and today...Our Lady of Sorrows.
Suffice it to say that sometimes, they slip by me and while I might not mention them here...they are never far from my mind. Our pastor (Fr. Fred) gave one of the best homilies I've ever heard this past Sunday. He talked much about our own personal crosses and how we deal with them. At times, I felt as though he was talking directly to me. Crosses are a big issue with me lately. We all have them and we're always trying to get rid of them. However, these crosses shape our character. More importantly, they shape our souls. It was said to me once that if I could choose between the troubles (crosses) of 20 strangers or those that are already mine...I would more than likely stick with the ones I've got. What she meant was that sometimes we see our own small world as unbearable, and then when we see others lives....we realize that we really don't have it so bad.
I met a woman today at the local American Cancer Society office. Her name is Elena. She shared with me her cancer journey...and I was floored. I won't go into all the details, but her breast cancer spread to her liver. She was given two years to live.....10 years ago. She is an amazing woman and now shares with others her story of suffering and hope. She has an amazing smile and I felt a connection with her instantly. She shared her home phone number with me and said I could call anytime. As an added bonus....and a more important one in my view....she's Italian!!! She is originally from Brooklyn, NY (her accent would give her away) but has made her home here in Jacksonville for many years. We spent just as much time talking about our mutual Italian hertitage....about NY and SF deli's....we complained about the lack of good Italian food here in the south...and she shared with me her husband's recipe for eggplant parmesan! From her and from many other great friends that God has brought into my life, I've learned that the joy is in the journey!! She said to look at my mastectomy scar and my portacath scar as badges of honor...as reminders of the fact that I'm not really in charge of anything. God is in charge! And I'd really rather He be in charge anyway....I tend to make a mess of things!!

Interesting morning!!

I had to make another trip to the grocery store this morning for something that I forgot last night. Dan and Nathan went to the 10am mass...the girls and I will go tonight at 6pm. While it isn't the ideal situation to split up the family on Sunday (especially for church), sometimes it is necessary. I'll save that controversy for another post.
The experience I had last night at the store was totally the opposite from this morning. For one thing...last night, I was alone. Today, the girls were especially chatty and loud. The store was packed full of people stocking up on tailgating supplies for the Jaguar game. The entire store was full of teal and black jerseys. Oh...and to the man that I almost bumped into with my cart while leaving the store because I was checking my receipt...the one who sighed VERY loudly and shook his head in total disgust of me.....I'm not letting your bad attitude ruin the kindness shown to me by the lady last night . There seems to be a lot of pent up anger in Jaguar fans these days (he was wearing a jersey also). Perhaps they need to take a lesson from the "finess" teams of the 80's and cool their jets a little!!
On to the point of this post. While leaving the parking lot, a dark maroon van caught my eye. It had three extra large signs covering both sides (including the windows) and the back. All three signs said the same thing, and I quote....."Finally, a salutable flag! Heil Islam. Change." Next to the wording on this sign was a huge picture of Obama and the American flag with a big "X" over it. I KID YOU NOT! This van never left the parking lot. He just kept driving around, row after row, slowly ever so slowly. There was a white van with a woman driver following him. No side or back windows on this one. I was scared to think of what might be in the back of it. As I was waiting to turn left at the stoplight...there were 3 police cars waiting to turn into the parking lot. Let's just hope there was no trouble.

Isn't it wonderful that we live in a country where expressing yourself and your opinion in this way is acceptable and allowed! It amazes me that there are people out there that would stoop to that level....circling a grocery store parking lot...just to get your point across. I realize that no government can please all of the people all of the time. Heck, there are lots of things even I would change if I could. But I would never, ever bring dishonor in any way to the flag that represents this country and represents all those that have fought for it. Lastly, and I'm serious about this, if there are people out there that are so unhappy with this country and what it stands for and those that run it.....there are many other places these people can move to. Why don't they?

Thanks!

To the woman in the grocery store that allowed me to go ahead of her because I only had two gallons of milk (and she had a huge basket full)...Thank you so much. You made my evening.
May God richly bless you and your family for that one, wonderful, helpful act of kindness!!

The Power of Suggestion

Who knew that just the slightest mention of something could take your imagination on a trip to the moon and back! About a week ago, the results of the Cat Scan showed that I had a decent sized cyst (4 cm) on my right ovary. Now...please understand, up until that time....I felt nothing...nada. Since then, I've developed symptoms. Amazing! Though the symptoms are pretty vague...they are still there. I feel a slight "heaviness" on the right side, almost a bloated feeling. When I turn a certain way or get up from sitting on the floor, I feel a twinge of pain in that general area. I seriously wonder if the pain is actually there or if I'm just making it up! I think it's pretty pathetic when you don't even know for sure if something is wrong or if it's all in your head. I guess I'll know soon enough. Please God, let it just be a cyst...I couldn't handle anything else right now!
All my previously scheduled tests have been completed. I'm sure the ultrasound for the ovarian cyst will be just around the corner. There are bruises all over my right arm where IV's have been and each of them have a left a hole....count em....4. My right chest is also bruised (beautiful colors of yellow, green and purple) where the cath was placed. It's still slightly swollen but you can barely make out where the cath is under the skin. Thank goodness it will be there for over a year as I'm not sure I could go through another procedure like that for awhile.
It's funny to me that I'm already sick of hospitals and my treatment hasn't even begun yet.
The kids are pretty tired of hearing, "mommy's tired" as my excuse for not engaging them as much as usual. The truth is...I really am tired. I don't know if the anesthesia is to blame or if I'm having anticipatory fatigue. I guess I'm just a mental case these days. Most days I have a good amount of energy in the morning, but, by the late afternoon I feel as though I've been hit by a truck. I feel so relieved once homework, dinner, baths and stories are all done for the night and I can sit down and relax. I usually last about an hour although I try to stay awake until Dan comes home.
The kids have been playing musical beds lately. When we wake up in the morning, usually at least one of them has wandered to the couch. Occassionally, one will end up in our bed. I'm usually in the recliner because right now, it is uncomfortable for me to sleep on either side. My left arm is still very stiff (yes, I'm doing my exercises) and my right one is still too painful. I wake up several times during the night and sometimes when I wake up...I can't get back to sleep at all. When that happens, I turn on the light...do a crossword puzzle or a soduku and wait for my brain to slow down long enough to doze for a few minutes before the whole house is up.
Well, I think I've moaned enough for today. I'll moan more tomorrow!

Picture sharing...

We decided to celebrate the Blessed Mother's Birthday this year and make a cake for her. The girls and I baked a bundt cake and I made some blue frosting....you know...to match her flowing robes. Anyway, it was great fun as we did this on Sunday night...sort of helped me to keep my mind off of the fiasco that was to come on Monday. I swear I took a picture of the finished product, but somehow, it's not there now. Our Lady kept watch over the the girls as they worked.

It's important to Dan and I that our kids are at least familiar with the liturgical year. It might seem unnecessary to some, but I want them to know why the colors of the church turn purple in Advent and Lent. I want them to know (and be insterested in) why we strip the altar on Good Friday and why we celebrate the things we do. I would like them to come to know, as I have, the wonderful Saints of our faith who show great strength and virtue. These are the heros and heroines that our kids should identify with. We can learn things together about our faith....and it's fun! I want to pass my faith on to them so they can do the same for their children. In the end, we really have nothing else. Money, property, family photos and heirlooms....these are all nice...but they can't take it with them to heaven (or the other place for that matter!!). What they take in their heart and soul can and will go with them for eternity!!

NEVER FORGET !!!!!!

My First Born....

Happy 8th Birthday!!

You truly are the light in my life!!

I LOVE YOU!!

Slow

Recovery from the portacath placement is slow. I'm very sore and can barely move my right arm. Even typing is painful. Apparently, the surgeon could not get the catheter in so he had to make an incision...I'm not sure of the exact details but a piece of the catheter came loose. He had to retrieve it with the help of a Radiologist through an artery in my groin. Will post more when I feel better. Sorry.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Mother! Pray for us!

Jeers and Cheers.....to BK

I had to take Nathan to a birthday party yesterday morning. After I dropped him off, I decided to take the girls out to lunch. Since they are so young, I am limited in the appropriate places that I can take them. Let me clarify...they aren't monsters when I take them out, however, I can't really expect a 3 and 4 year old to act like they're adults. There is a time window of opportunity for them to eat and if you go beyond that point...you're in trouble...big trouble!
There is a Burger King near our home that has a HUGE indoor play area that is air conditioned.
This is an ideal place to take the kids on a hot summer day here in Florida....except, of course, for those of you who are "germafobes".....which...I am not!

There must be some truth to the fact that when you have a body part removed....a certain number of brain cells go with it!! I say this because, I failed to noticed when going inside...ordering and finding a seat that they had REMOVED the play area! It is now a big, open, empty space...waiting to be transformed into a...get this...internet cafe!! At a Burger King????? This did not go over well when the girls realized that they couldn't pretend to eat and then go play....they actually had to eat! Needless to say, this was a quick visit!

On the other hand...I have to give it to Burger King for their new menu item......apple fries!!
These were a hit with the girls! They are nice thinly sliced fresh apples that are made to look like fries! They come with a yummy carmel sauce that made eating fruit at a Burger King without a play area....much, much easier!

***On a side note.....I received the results of my Cat Scan! It is all good news! Everything is normal with a small exception of a 4cm cyst on my right ovary. I believe that ovarian cysts are quite normal and common. I'm sure my oncologist will have it checked out just to be sure, but....still, it's good news to me!!*****

Good News!

The final, final, final pathology report is back and.....it's still good news! The testing on the "invasive" part of the cancer still says that I am 100% estrogen positive and 96% progesterone positive. This means I will be able to take Tamoxifen after all. It's a small victory but a victory none the less.

The Her2/Neu came back negative. This means that I will not be eligible to take Herceptin. I still think this is good news because my cancer is not fast growing or as aggressive as it could be. All in all, I'm happy with these results.

I also completed the cat scan and bone scan yesterday. They weren't as horrible as I had envisioned, but, drinking that barium sulfate was quite the experience! I did manage to keep it down though.

I will have the port placed on Monday morning. This is a surgical procedure and is done in the operating room. Click here for more information or click here to see what one looks like being accessed for chemotherapy. (slightly graphic...no weak stomachs allowed). You can actually see it through the skin. I have no fashion statements at this time!





I still have two posts in the works...one is on living out the Liturgical Year and the other is titled "Long Ago Friends". Look for those in the upcoming days.

Happy Birthday!

My nephews James and Jesse share birthdays this week....September 3rd and the 6th. They are barely one year apart!! I'm pretty sure Jesse is 11 and James will be 12....in 2 days. They are great boys and a true joy to be around. Have a great weeks guys....I love you!!!

A Breath of Fresh Air!!

Incredible speech! Read it here. Does all of this hype translate into something real....I bet yes.

Phew!!!

I feel much better now! I'm sorry for those who live in the Carolinas. My prayers are with you.

Now I can focus on the circus that is about to begin with me! Take a gander at my schedule for the next week:

Thursday, Sept 4th 8:45am - Consult with the surgeon regarding cath placement

Friday, Sept 5th 11:30am - register for outpatient scans and drink tasty, chalky contrast mixture (& try to keep it from coming back up!) for Cat Scan later on

Friday, Sept 5th 12:30pm - get injection of radioactive material for nuclear bone scan (this may or may not include glowing in the dark!!) and then wait 3 hours!

Friday, Sept 5th 1:30pm - Cat Scan of chest/abdomen and pelvis

Friday, Sept 5th 3:30pm - Nuclear medicine whole body bone scan

I'd say this will be a full day.....should be in a great mood!

Tuesday, Sept 9th 9:15am - get injection of yet another type of radioactive juice for MUGA scan later on

Tuesday, Sept 9th 9:45am - MUGA scan

Can you say LiteBrite?????

This does not include the out patient surgery for the catheter. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it.

All kidding aside, I know that suffering...no matter how hard... has value. In this day and age, the world thinks that no one should ever suffer and that all suffering is bad. As a Catholic, I believe that suffering does have value and when we join our sufferings to Christ's, it also joins us to His Resurrection. When we share in His death, we also share in His eternal life. This brings me great comfort. Now, I also realize that I am not suffering right now....I may never truly suffer. I have had this disease (at least known about it) for not quite 8 weeks....and I have had very little physical pain. But I don't know what lies ahead. This is an emotional and spiritual disease as much as it is physical. One can suffer in many ways...not just in physical pain. I have asked God to use my suffering...in whatever form that takes and use it. I know this might sound pious, but, I don't mean it to be. And.....if suffering now gets me out of purgatory a few days early....all the better!!!

You've Got to be Kidding Me!!!!

I have things to do, people to see, hair to lose! I don't have time for yet another storm. As far as I'm concerned, this is the hurricane season from hell around here! Ike isn't far behind and neither is Josephine. Isn't there a patron saint of hurricanes that we can pray to? Geez-Louise!

Still Waiting...

I really think that waiting is the hardest part of all of this. I'm still waiting for the hospital to call with all of my appointments. I mentioned last week that I need to have several scans and some lab work as well as have my port placed. This is yet another instance where I feel as though I have no control over anything...not even my schedule. I do have an appointment on Thursday with the surgeon for another consultation and then they will schedule the short surgery for the portacath placement. Fortunately, this will be done under "twilight sleep". If you've ever had fentanyl or versed.....you'll know why this is great news!! I love that stuff!!

Another area of concern is that right now...I have a cold. It's just your standard stuffy nose, scratchy throat variety but I have developed a slight cough. I feel like it's getting better but I'm not sure how much this will affect my first chemo treatment. While I dread what is ahead, a part of me just wants to get this show on the road...the sooner it gets started, the sooner it will be over.

I'm also trying to get ready for Nathan's birthday. It's on the 10th of this month and he wants a big shindig!! Unfortunately, I'm just not up to it this year. Since it falls on a Wednesday, we'll just have some family and a few friends over for cake in the evening and then I'll see if he'd like to have a friend spend the night that following weekend.

I'm working on another post...that's more interesting than the shabby ones I've been doing. I just don't want to spend every waking moment at the computer. Today is Olivia's day. She gets to spend the entire day with Mommy...all alone.

I am hopeful!!!

Oh, Come on now....not again!

Not again! It looks like this one might skirt the coast (as a hurricane)! No offense to the folks in the Carolinas, but, I hope this storm shifts a little to the right.