There is a reason that I chose “Be Not Afraid” for my blog title, though it has more to do with what I am than what I am not. To be honest, I have suffered with an anxiety/panic disorder for most of my life. It has taken on different forms at different times. Although I didn’t understand the seriousness of this issue until I was well into adulthood, I can remember exactly when “fear” began to take over my senses. I was about 6 or 7 years old and it involved being separated from my father, because of divorce, and being left alone with an alcoholic mother who was at times, out of control.
I used different coping mechanisms to handle it all. Sometimes, I would just talk to myself. I know it sounds simple, but sometimes just telling myself that I was going to be ok…that nothing was going to happen to me…would be enough. However, sometimes, it wasn’t. Routine and ritual was another way of coping. This meant counting the days and the hours until it was my dad’s weekend to have us. I actually ticked off the hours on a calendar or on a piece of paper that I kept in my pocket. I can also remember watching television after school and every time a particular commercial would come on (it was for Wells Fargo Bank) I would think about how much closer I was to being with my dad since the last time that commercial was on. Even at 6 or 7 years old, I knew that sometimes taking lots of deep breaths would help that awful feeling to pass.
At 9 years old, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I risked everything and told my mom that I no longer wanted to live with her….that I needed to live with my dad. She didn’t speak to me for weeks. But, within a short time, we were living with my dad at my grandmother’s house. The panic/anxiety attacks went away forever….or so I thought.
Stay tuned for Part Two.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Grief
My good friend's mother died on Sunday morning. She was moved to the inpatient hospice center earlier in the week, although, she did not have cancer. The doctor really didn't know how long she had...possibly a few months, or maybe a few weeks. Only God knew that in reality, she only had a few days. After her husband died several years ago, her health began to decline and she became very dependent on others to assist with daily living. Her grief at the loss of her husband was so great that her body began to respond to that grief negatively. Grief is funny thing.
My father passed away 28 years ago. At times, it feels like it was yesterday. I can still smell his cologne, I can still hear the way he used to clear his throat. Sometimes, when I'm in a large crowd, I think I can hear him talking and I turn around and start searching the room....as if I would find him there. While the pain of loss is dulled with time, it never goes away. The old adage that says..."time heals all wounds" is pretty much a lie. If the wound is deep, there is usually a scar. The scar remains as a reminder of a past hurt. Sometimes, the scar can hurt as well.
When my mom died in 2006, I grieved again. I know that the death of our parents is the natural order of things. We all are moving toward our eventual reunion with God. But with both parents gone, I felt alone.
I'm an adult..with a wonderful husband, great kids and a terrific support system. But, losing both parents is hard. It's as though I've been left on this earth alone. The two people that cooperated with God in my creation are gone. It's was interesting for me to realize that so much of my identity was linked with my mom and dad.
Today, I read a great article on Catholic Exchange about grieving. As I attend the funeral of my friend's mom, I'll think of my own parents. And, I guess I'll be thinking of the loss my children will face someday, when Dan and I are gone. It's ok to grieve. This life is only a moment in time. We can rejoice knowing that (in the words of a wonderful song by Steven Curtis Chapman), we are not home yet.
My father passed away 28 years ago. At times, it feels like it was yesterday. I can still smell his cologne, I can still hear the way he used to clear his throat. Sometimes, when I'm in a large crowd, I think I can hear him talking and I turn around and start searching the room....as if I would find him there. While the pain of loss is dulled with time, it never goes away. The old adage that says..."time heals all wounds" is pretty much a lie. If the wound is deep, there is usually a scar. The scar remains as a reminder of a past hurt. Sometimes, the scar can hurt as well.
When my mom died in 2006, I grieved again. I know that the death of our parents is the natural order of things. We all are moving toward our eventual reunion with God. But with both parents gone, I felt alone.
I'm an adult..with a wonderful husband, great kids and a terrific support system. But, losing both parents is hard. It's as though I've been left on this earth alone. The two people that cooperated with God in my creation are gone. It's was interesting for me to realize that so much of my identity was linked with my mom and dad.
Today, I read a great article on Catholic Exchange about grieving. As I attend the funeral of my friend's mom, I'll think of my own parents. And, I guess I'll be thinking of the loss my children will face someday, when Dan and I are gone. It's ok to grieve. This life is only a moment in time. We can rejoice knowing that (in the words of a wonderful song by Steven Curtis Chapman), we are not home yet.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Some of my favorites
I haven't done a "Favorites" post in quite a while. Sometimes the best way to find out about wonderful websites and blogs is by word of mouth....or in this case.....word of blog! Here are some of my most recent favorites. Enjoy!
1. Have you ever heard of Poppydip? Well, you have now! If you have little girls...or even older girls, you will love Sallee! Sallee is a wonderfully talented seamstress and Christian homeschool mom. These beautiful dresses and skirts are handmade to order! You can also follow her blog here! She has a pretty cool contest going right now! Visit Sallee as soon as you can!
2. Have you, by any chance, noticed the Business 2 Blogger button on my side bar to your right? If not, click on it and find out what it's all about. My friend Judy from Benmakesten wrote about it here! Give it a read and see what you think.
3. Check out Surviving Motherhood! This is a terrific blog of encouragement for us moms! She has a couple of books available....Confessions of an Irritable Mother and Finding Joy: More Confessions of an Irritable Mother. I think you will enjoy Karen's humor and style of writing.
4. If you live in the South....then you know about Publix grocery stores! This site...I Heart Publix is great for getting the latest sale information. There are coupons galore!
5. This site...Mothers With Cancer...has been invaluable to me. Most recently...this post has touched my heart in a special way because....because...because this is where I am. Afraid of it coming back!
6. .....And because I can't leave you on a depressing note....here is a link for some terrific $5 Dinners! I may have linked to this site before.....but it's worth mentioning again. I have found some great recipes here that are inexpensive and delicious! You can sign up to get email updates (that's what I did!).
Well, I guess that's if for now! Enjoy these great sites and have a blessed Tuesday!
1. Have you ever heard of Poppydip? Well, you have now! If you have little girls...or even older girls, you will love Sallee! Sallee is a wonderfully talented seamstress and Christian homeschool mom. These beautiful dresses and skirts are handmade to order! You can also follow her blog here! She has a pretty cool contest going right now! Visit Sallee as soon as you can!
2. Have you, by any chance, noticed the Business 2 Blogger button on my side bar to your right? If not, click on it and find out what it's all about. My friend Judy from Benmakesten wrote about it here! Give it a read and see what you think.
3. Check out Surviving Motherhood! This is a terrific blog of encouragement for us moms! She has a couple of books available....Confessions of an Irritable Mother and Finding Joy: More Confessions of an Irritable Mother. I think you will enjoy Karen's humor and style of writing.
4. If you live in the South....then you know about Publix grocery stores! This site...I Heart Publix is great for getting the latest sale information. There are coupons galore!
5. This site...Mothers With Cancer...has been invaluable to me. Most recently...this post has touched my heart in a special way because....because...because this is where I am. Afraid of it coming back!
6. .....And because I can't leave you on a depressing note....here is a link for some terrific $5 Dinners! I may have linked to this site before.....but it's worth mentioning again. I have found some great recipes here that are inexpensive and delicious! You can sign up to get email updates (that's what I did!).
Well, I guess that's if for now! Enjoy these great sites and have a blessed Tuesday!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Vocations
From my church bulletin today:
This Sunday (today) is the World Day of Prayer for Vocations, with the theme of "Witness Awakens vocations." Please pray for our priests, brothers, deacons, and women and men in consecrated life, that they be great witnesses to the whole Church and that their examples strengthen within our youth the desire to seek God's will for their lives.
A new website, www.ForYourVocation.org, is being launched by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops in conjunction with the World Day of Prayer for Vocations. The website has two objectives: to help individuals hear and respond to the call by God to the priesthood or consecrated life, and to educate all Catholics on the importance of encouraging others through prayer and activities to promote vocations. The site offers resources for men and women who may have a vocation to the priesthood or consecrated life, aids for promoting a vocation-culture within the home, and tools for educators, youth leaders and vocation directors including prayers, videos, best practices, lesson plans and vocation awareness programs."
In honor of all of the men and women religious that have touched my life.....Sr. Madeline Carey, Sr. Diana Hupp, Sr. Mary Gallagher, Sr. Ruth, Sr. Clare, Brother Tobias, Mother Teresa, Fr. Steve, Mother Angelica, Fr. O'Neal, Fr. Ben, Fr. Bryan, Pope John Paul II, Pope Benedict XVI....just to name a few, I offer the following prayer from the USCCB website:
Loving and Generous God,
it is You who call us by name
and ask us to follow You.
Help us to grow in the Love
and Service of our Church
as we experience it today.
Give us the energy and courage
of Your Spirit
to shape its future
Grant us faith-filled leaders
who will embrace Christ's Mission
of love and justice.
Bless the Churches of the world
by raising up dedicated and generous leaders
from our families and friends
who will serve Your people as Sisters,
Priests, Brothers, Deacons and Lay Ministers.
Inspire us to know You better
and open our hearts
to hear Your call.
We ask this through our Lord.
Amen.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
I Am Here.
When I was a child, I pictured God with a long white beard. I believe it was an image I had seen in the New St. Joseph Baltimore Catechism. I can visualize the actual page in my mind right now....he had white hair, a white beard and a white robe...always with his arms extended toward the children in the picture. Even though I have matured quite a bit since then (now I'm the one with the white hair....and I have to work diligently to keep away a white beard!), my vision of God is still the same. How does that happen? The God of my childhood is still very much the God of my adulthood.
I received the sacrament of confirmation when I was in the eighth grade. During our preparation, I spent a lot of time trying to visualize the Holy Spirit. Of course, the image of a descending dove was in the forefront of my mind, but I had another image that really symbolized how the Holy Spirit could be everywhere and touch everyone at the same time......wind. In my mind, I can see a billowy cloud with a face, cheeks puffed out blowing the wind...the Holy Spirit into the air. This image has also stuck with me through the years.
A few weeks ago, on our overnight trip to Gold Head State Park, I heard the voice of God in the wind! I really don't know if it was an audible voice or not. I know it was LOUD and I know I heard it in my heart and my mind. Very early in the morning, Dan had taken the kids on a walk. I was sitting alone on the screened porch, drinking my coffee. It was quiet....oh so quiet! The quiet that I long for! The only sound I heard were the birds chirping, a distant frog croaking.....and the wind. Did you know that you can actually see wind? You can. If you sit very still, and watch the trees...you can see it coming! You can follow it from yards and yards away. It comes closer...sometimes fast, sometimes slow. But it comes. The trees and leaves sing it's arrival. As I saw it coming, I closed my eyes. I heard the wind say...."I Am Here. I Am here in the midst of this place, in the midst of your life. I Am here in the midst of your laughter and your tears, your sorrow and your joy. I am here in the midst of your cancer, in the midst of your mothering. I Am in the midst of every breath you take. I AM Here and I love you!"
It was a very profound moment for me. It was a gift. A special moment between the God who called me into being and my depleted soul. God breathed life into me again, And now, during the difficult times, I breathe deeply the loving, life giving wind of the Holy Spirit!
The next time you have the chance....watch the wind. Hear the wind. Allow the Holy Spirit to wrap His loving arms around you and breathe life into you. In this quiet, your soul will be refreshed.
Have a blessed weekend!
I received the sacrament of confirmation when I was in the eighth grade. During our preparation, I spent a lot of time trying to visualize the Holy Spirit. Of course, the image of a descending dove was in the forefront of my mind, but I had another image that really symbolized how the Holy Spirit could be everywhere and touch everyone at the same time......wind. In my mind, I can see a billowy cloud with a face, cheeks puffed out blowing the wind...the Holy Spirit into the air. This image has also stuck with me through the years.
A few weeks ago, on our overnight trip to Gold Head State Park, I heard the voice of God in the wind! I really don't know if it was an audible voice or not. I know it was LOUD and I know I heard it in my heart and my mind. Very early in the morning, Dan had taken the kids on a walk. I was sitting alone on the screened porch, drinking my coffee. It was quiet....oh so quiet! The quiet that I long for! The only sound I heard were the birds chirping, a distant frog croaking.....and the wind. Did you know that you can actually see wind? You can. If you sit very still, and watch the trees...you can see it coming! You can follow it from yards and yards away. It comes closer...sometimes fast, sometimes slow. But it comes. The trees and leaves sing it's arrival. As I saw it coming, I closed my eyes. I heard the wind say...."I Am Here. I Am here in the midst of this place, in the midst of your life. I Am here in the midst of your laughter and your tears, your sorrow and your joy. I am here in the midst of your cancer, in the midst of your mothering. I Am in the midst of every breath you take. I AM Here and I love you!"
It was a very profound moment for me. It was a gift. A special moment between the God who called me into being and my depleted soul. God breathed life into me again, And now, during the difficult times, I breathe deeply the loving, life giving wind of the Holy Spirit!
The next time you have the chance....watch the wind. Hear the wind. Allow the Holy Spirit to wrap His loving arms around you and breathe life into you. In this quiet, your soul will be refreshed.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Please explain!
Included in the price of the field trip was one train ticket and a brown bag lunch. You had your choice of a hot dog, burger, or PB & J. You can't have a trip to the zoo without Zoo Animal Crackers! Don't you just love animal crackers? The crackers that they provided had a "lemony" taste to them. I was curious to see if lemon was actually in the ingredients....guess what I found......
Ingredients: Enriched flour (wheat flour, niacin, reduced iron, thiamin mononitrate [vitamin B1], riboflavin [vitamin B2], folic acid), sugar, high fructose corn syrup, soybean oil with TBHQ for freshness, contains two percent or less of soy lechthin, leavening (baking soda, sodium acid pyrophosphate, monocalcium phosphate), salt, natural flavor with other natural flavors! Um...what the heck is that? Do you know what that means? Me either. It could be that "lemony" taste I detect! Who knew?
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Judy from Benmakesten
Those of you who know Judy from Benmakesten might have noticed that she hasn't been around much lately. I'm here to tell you that she is alive and well...however, the same can not be said for her computer!
Apparently, her computer was infected with a very serious virus that has corrupted ALL of her files....including 10 years worth of homeschooling data! She and her family are working on getting things put back together, but, this is going to take some time. Be assured that she will be back just as soon as possible!
Please feel free to pass this information on to other followers of her blog!
Apparently, her computer was infected with a very serious virus that has corrupted ALL of her files....including 10 years worth of homeschooling data! She and her family are working on getting things put back together, but, this is going to take some time. Be assured that she will be back just as soon as possible!
Please feel free to pass this information on to other followers of her blog!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Fashion Show
I was very impressed with the Pure Fashion show that I attended yesterday! I wasn't really sure what to expect but I was pleasantly surprised! My niece did an awesome job! I had no idea that she had spent the last 7 months with this program preparing for the show.
This program really stresses the idea that we are all made in the image and likeness of God and that we were created to glorify God in all things, even in the way we dress. It encourages these teen girls (ages 14-18) to live, behave and dress in accordance with their dignity as children of God...instead of falling prey to the unhealthy societal norms that we are all familiar with!
The whole movement really began with frustrated mothers (like you and me!). Their mantra has been "we want to be pretty, not provocative".
According to their program, Pure Fashion has evolved into a faith-based program guiding young women to become confident, competent leaders who live the virtues of modesty and purity in their schools and communities. The model training program, which spans the course of several months, includes an outreach project, classes on public speaking skills, manners and social graces, hair and makeup artistry, personal presentation and much more. The program is designed to help these teens develop a desire to love and serve others that combats society's "all about me" mentality. WOW! I love that!
Here are their CORE PRINCIPLES:
Purity: More than just modesty
Authenticity: Real models are role models
Generosity: In mind & heart with time & talent
Confidence: Standing on solid ground
Style: Fun, fresh & fashionable
Grace: The finishing touch
As Pure Fashion models, here's what they believe:
1. That our private parts should remain private.
2. That undergarments should not become outer-garments
3. That our bodies are holy and sacred and our clothing should not reveal what should be concealed.
4. That virtue is the most important "must have" for every season.
5. That being healthy, physically fit, clean and well groomed is always in style.
6. That we should support retailers, designers and magazines who support virtuous behavior.
7. That we can be pretty without being provocative.
8. A real model is a "role model".
9. That our clothing sends a message to those around us and it should reflect our dignity as children of God.
10. That we can begin to change the world by changing our hearts, our minds and our clothes.
I was truly impressed with all of these girls! If you have daughters, I would seriously consider getting involved with this organization!
I would have gotten better photos, but the lighting wasn't that great. The photo at the top of the page is my niece (A.M.). This is actually a picture taken of the large video screen that was on the wall of the auditorium.
Here is a short video:
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Pure Fashion
Today, my niece is participating in the 2010 Jacksonville Pure Fashion Show! This is where Jacksonville area high school models will showcase the latest outfits that are currently "trendy" yet tasteful, modern and still modest. Apparently, it will feature the newest spring fashions, shopping techniques and they will even have music by top ten Christian recording artist Jonny Diaz! One of the sponsors of this event is our local Christian music station 88.1 The Promise.
If any of you have spent any time at a mall lately...you will notice that what gets placed in the windows or on the mannequins of the most popular stores is all about sex. It's all about showing off as much of your bodyas you can get away with possible! I am glad to see that there is a program out there for young girls and boys who can still be fashionable with their clothing...but still be modest.
I will share some pictures with you at a later time. I hope to be able to bring you some great ideas and ways that we can keep our children pure at heart. Honestly, I think this could benefits a lot of parents with teenagers too. After all, they are the ones that allow these kids out of the house looking the way they do!
If any of you have spent any time at a mall lately...you will notice that what gets placed in the windows or on the mannequins of the most popular stores is all about sex. It's all about showing off as much of your body
I will share some pictures with you at a later time. I hope to be able to bring you some great ideas and ways that we can keep our children pure at heart. Honestly, I think this could benefits a lot of parents with teenagers too. After all, they are the ones that allow these kids out of the house looking the way they do!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Back from the abyss....
I'm back! It's been a roller coaster of an Easter break, but I think we are over the hump. My mother-in-law is home and recovering well. Thank you for your prayers on her behalf!
During the ride, we were able to take a few days to get away. We spent the night at Gold Head Branch State Park on Thursday. What a grand place! The kids had a ball! The best part about it was that it's just barely an hour away from home! Here is just peek at our adventure...
The girls enjoying a snack after a 2 mile hike! Amelia had blisters!
Doesn't this tree just beg for an eagle perched on the top?
During our hike.
Our "happy place"!
Aren't they cute?
During the ride, we were able to take a few days to get away. We spent the night at Gold Head Branch State Park on Thursday. What a grand place! The kids had a ball! The best part about it was that it's just barely an hour away from home! Here is just peek at our adventure...
Moss Man greeted us as we entered the park!
The girls enjoying a snack after a 2 mile hike! Amelia had blisters!Doesn't this tree just beg for an eagle perched on the top?
During our hike.
Our "happy place"!
Aren't they cute?Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Happenings
Hi everybody! I hope you had a wonderful Holy Week and a Blessed Easter! The last week or so has been filled with hospitals, doctors, tests and all that comes with surgery. My sweet mother in law is doing much better and will hopefully be able to come home in the next day or so!
I truly appreciate your prayers and concern! The whole family has really rallied around our "matriarch"!
Posting has been very sparse lately...but an illness in the family will do that to you! I'm working on several exciting things that I will share with you very soon so stay tuned!
I'll leave you with a quote from one of my most favorite people....
"To restore America we need less Marx and more Madison."
-Glenn Beck-
I truly appreciate your prayers and concern! The whole family has really rallied around our "matriarch"!
Posting has been very sparse lately...but an illness in the family will do that to you! I'm working on several exciting things that I will share with you very soon so stay tuned!
I'll leave you with a quote from one of my most favorite people....
"To restore America we need less Marx and more Madison."
-Glenn Beck-
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Thank goodness!
I was so worried about my mother in law yesterday morning when I left her! However, through out the day, she perked up! They took off the Bipap (this is wonderful news) and she was even able to get out of bed and sit in a chair for awhile. When I returned yesterday afternoon....it was like she had done a complete 180! We spent about 2 hours together! She was fully awake and was moving around all by herself! They will start her on some clear liquids today! As I sit here and think about it....I think it's been almost one week since she's had anything to eat. I have a feeling that once she eats some real food....this might improve her strength significantly!
Except for the fact that she was so ill, I've truly enjoyed being with her. She is one of my most favorite people in the entire world. I feel closer to her than I do just about anybody else! Her influence on me as a mother, as a wife and as a Catholic has been profound! She is more than my husband's mother....she is my friend! It has been a privilege to help to take care of her.
I know that your prayers have helped her to get better so quickly. I will forever be grateful to my online friends for your willingness to immediately bring my needs and prayer requests before the Lord!
Have a Blessed Easter! I will see you next week!
Except for the fact that she was so ill, I've truly enjoyed being with her. She is one of my most favorite people in the entire world. I feel closer to her than I do just about anybody else! Her influence on me as a mother, as a wife and as a Catholic has been profound! She is more than my husband's mother....she is my friend! It has been a privilege to help to take care of her.
I know that your prayers have helped her to get better so quickly. I will forever be grateful to my online friends for your willingness to immediately bring my needs and prayer requests before the Lord!
Have a Blessed Easter! I will see you next week!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Good Friday
We've had a bit of a set back with my mother-in-law. Last night she was transferred back to the ICU. Her heart rate continued to climb and they needed to give her medication to get her out of A-Fib. Thankfully, her vital signs look good right now. It's 5:15am here...and I've not slept yet! In a little while, I will call Dan's sister to come and relieve me. Our family has truly rallied around my mother-in-law during her time of need. She is one very special woman to me! She really has been my mom for the last 12 years. I would do absolutely anything for her. I wish I could take away her pain and discomfort right now....but I can't.
Earlier, she and I discussed how very special it is to be able to unite our sufferings with Christ on this Good Friday. We will not have our traditional Easter "big-to-do" this year....but that's ok....because Christ will rise anyway! No matter our circumstances, no matter our troubles...He is still on the Throne....He still conquered death!
I feel very blessed to be able to be with her at this time. I wish she knew of the deep love that I have for her. Hopefully, in the next few days, things will improve and we can start talking about her going home.
As you reflect on The Passion and Death of Christ today....please offer a prayer for her. Thank you so very much.
Earlier, she and I discussed how very special it is to be able to unite our sufferings with Christ on this Good Friday. We will not have our traditional Easter "big-to-do" this year....but that's ok....because Christ will rise anyway! No matter our circumstances, no matter our troubles...He is still on the Throne....He still conquered death!
I feel very blessed to be able to be with her at this time. I wish she knew of the deep love that I have for her. Hopefully, in the next few days, things will improve and we can start talking about her going home.
As you reflect on The Passion and Death of Christ today....please offer a prayer for her. Thank you so very much.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
MIA
I'm so sorry that I've been away from blogging for the last few days. We've been on a huge roller coaster ride with my wonderful mother in law. She is stable at the moment, and this is good news. As I write this post, I am sitting next to her bed (in the hospital). The Bipap machine is humming along with an occasional beep. Hopefully she will be able to get on her feet in the next day or two. She just wants to go home!
In the meantime, I'm praying for all of you and hoping that you have a blessed Easter. I'll be back to the regularly scheduled programming (blogging) as soon as she is better.
Thank you all for your prayers.
In the meantime, I'm praying for all of you and hoping that you have a blessed Easter. I'll be back to the regularly scheduled programming (blogging) as soon as she is better.
Thank you all for your prayers.
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