A Great Start!

We are settling into school pretty well.  Amelia is a trooper!  We wake her up at 5:15am because she and Dan have to leave the house by 6:15am.  She doesn't complain or fuss.  She's not eating much for breakfast these days.  Usually, she will have a few bites of a waffle or some toast, but that's it.  She just doesn't have an appetite in the morning. 

After she is gone, I struggle to get the other two up!  They are NOT morning people!  But, they come by that trait honestly...because neither is their mother!

I must share with you that I contacted Amelia's teacher last week just to touch base with her to ask her how things were going in the classroom.  I've tried not to hover or be overbearing.  Although I wish I could be a fly on the wall in that classroom, I've truly left it up to her teacher to notify me if there was a problem.  Amelia seems to be in a good mood when going to school...and when I pick her up!  This is a good sign!  Last year, she would cry every morning and sometimes in the afternoon when I picked her up.  It was gut wrenching.

Here is the response that I received from her teacher...hold on to your socks!

She's doing very well. I have had no problems with her at all. She seems at this point to understand everything and is helpful and kind.  You should know she sits next to someone who as it turns out is having trouble sitting still, she has been wonderful with this child. Has patience and tries to help them make the right choice.  I'm really happy with how she is handling that. Don't worry if there is a problem I'll let you know. I'm going on the assumption there wont be. Have a great day. 

Ms. V.

 

 

Now, I realize that it's only been two weeks, and I realize that she will have good days and bad days...but I could NOT have asked for a better outcome so far!  For a few hours after I received this email, I felt like I was walking on a cloud.  Could she really be talking about my daughter?  Of course she could!  I've been thinking about that old T.V. show "Truth or Consequences".  At the end, the host would say....."Will the REAL Amelia Widener please stand up".....and she DID!

 

In other news....I had my yearly mammogram on Friday.  For the first time in five years, I was NOT nervous or anxious.  The tech was wonderful....an 11 year breast cancer survivor herself.  She helped me to feel comfortable and relaxed.  When the results came back "NED (no evidence of disease)", I felt relieved that I had made to my first milestone!  I have officially hit the 5 YEAR MARK!  This is HUGE!  I will see my oncologist in September and discuss how to move forward!

 

Last January, I had a bad case of acute bronchitis.  My physician was worried that it might have turned into pneumonia, but with antibiotics and rest, I got better.  However, the cough has never truly gone away.  Off and on over the last several months, I have had some wheezing, shortness of breath, chest pressure and coughing.  Some weeks it doesn't bother me at all...and other weeks, I feel as though I've definitely got something going on.  I'm finally going to to my regular doctor on Wednesday to see if we can get to the bottom of this.  At first, I worried it could be lung cancer...but, I'm leaning more towards some kind of allergy or the return of my childhood asthma.  I do have an Albuterol inhaler that I keep in my purse and I must admit, I've used it quite a bit lately.  However, it helps, and that's a good thing. 

 

As someone who has battled a life threatening disease in the past, I naturally conclude the worst when I'm not feeling well.  In my mind, I've gone over the possibility of lung cancer, pulmonary embolism, and a heart attack.  Although I'm not a doctor, it seems to me that after 8 months with any of those things....it would be getting worse and I would know by now!

 

Still, I am concerned about this because it's never fun when you feel as though you can't breathe.  I will keep you updated as to what my doctor suggests.

 

 

Blog name.

I've been kicking around the idea of changing my blog name.  Originally, I picked this name because I wanted to go through my cancer treatment with courage and I never wanted to forget the words of Pope John Paul II:

“I plead with you--never, ever give up on hope, never doubt, never tire, and never become discouraged. Be not afraid.”

"Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence."

It all sounds good, doesn't it?  But, here's the truth......I'm a fraud!  Yes, there it is.  I am afraid....very afraid.  Clearly, I'm not a very faithful Catholic.  I talk a good game, but in reality, I'm a wimp. 

Anyway, I'm still thinking of a good name for this blog...it needs a change.  Here are some of the ideas I  have been thinking about.  Let me know what you think.  In the meantime, I've changed my blog description to more accurately portray who I am..at least in my own eyes.

"Yeah, right"!

"Be Afraid.  Be Very Afraid"

"Cancer Sucks"

"Why Me?"

"Blessed Are The Frightened, For They Shall Sweat Profusely"

"The Uniboob Lady"

OK...so most of those are "tongue in cheek", but you get the idea.  I feel so weak and vulnerable right now.   Whenever I sign into Blogger to compose a post, I'm stopped dead in my tracks when I see those words "Be Not Afraid".  I truly don't WANT to be afraid, but I am.  I'm afraid of the unknown.  I'm afraid of dying.  I'm afraid that if I do, my children won't remember me as they grow.  I'm afraid of becoming a foggy memory to them.  I'm afraid of not being brave.  I'm afraid of never accepting what might be happening....of living in denial.

So, I've asked myself, "What is the worst thing that could happen?"  Wrong question to ask myself!  I came up with a bunch of stuff!  I guess my worst fear is that after I have the Cat Scan...that they'll find that the scan lights up like a Christmas tree and that there is cancer everywhere...and then they decide that I'm too far gone for treatment and I should just go home to die! 

Can you say, drama?

I know intellectually that this is silly.  I do, I swear!  But emotionally, it's just where I am. 

Seriously though, I'm taking suggestions for a new blog title!  Winner gets my "undying" (LOL) gratitude!

Health Update

As most of you know, I completed chemotherapy in December 2008 for the breast cancer I was diagnosed with in July of that same year.  I had my mastectomy in August and then had a total hysterectomy in February of 2009.  Since then, I have been on an aromatase inhibitor (Arimidex) and will continue this until I hit my 5 year mark...which will be December of 2013.  I usually see my oncologist once every 3-4 months.  Usually, I go to the lab first...I have my port-a-cath flushed and then they draw blood for my routine tests.  Then, I go upstairs for the actual appointment to see the doctor.  He gets the results of the blood tests right away and then...I go home.

My labs have always been fine.  As a matter of fact, when I saw him the last time in June, he told me that we needed to consider making an appointment to have my port-a-cath removed!  This is all good news as I'm nearing the end of my cancer treatment!

However, we ran into a little glitch this week and, frankly it's got me worried.  Very worried.

For one thing, they changed up the way my appointments were scheduled.  Since this is also the time for my annual mammogram, they scheduled things on different days.  They wanted me to have my labs/port flush and my mammogram before my exam.  I'm not sure why, but that's how it went down.
Technically, this appointment should have been shorter because most of the work was done.  All I had to do was to have the doctor examine me and then I could go.

All went well, until the oncologist mentioned that one of my lab results was high.  Apparently he has been following it for some time and it's been consistently high for several months.   It's called "alkaline phosphatase".  Never heard of it before.  According to the doctor, a high result can mean a problem in the bones or the liver.....possibly a metastasis.  Lovely.  Just what I wanted to hear. 

I asked lots of questions.  I still have more questions.  He said a couple of things:

1.  This particular enzyme can mean a problem in the liver, bones, intestines or kidneys.
2.  Heavy people (yes, that's me!) can sometimes have "fatty livers" and this could make the result  higher.
3.  The Arimidex that I've been taking for 3 years can cause osteoporosis.  This can also cause the result to be higher.
4.  He wanted to re-do the lab test now, and then again in November when I have my next appointment.  If the results are still high, he wants to do a PET Scan to check for cancer.

Surprisingly enough, I did not feel any better after this appointment.  As a matter of fact, I'm more scared than ever.  My oncologist is very careful about what he says to me.  Because he even mentioned the possibility of metastasis, just proves the point that this is very serious and he thinks it's a very good possibility.

I'm trying with all my might to "BE NOT AFRAID", but I must confess, I'm scared.  The thing is...this IS my life now.  I will always be seen by an oncologist.  Sometimes, my lab work will be wonky and they will want to do more testing.  I will be afraid.  They will do more tests.  I will find out the answer and either way, I WILL DEAL with the outcome.

At three and a half years into my cancer diagnosis, I've learned some new ways of coping with the stress.  For one thing, I have a prescription for some anti anxiety medication.  I don't usually take them, but they are there if I need them.  I've also learned (I think I kind of always known this) that I have a wonderful support system and I KNOW that I am NEVER alone.  My family, my friends and total strangers will pray for me and I will get through this...not matter the outcome.

I've also learned that after a cancer diagnosis, you are on a life long journey of survival.  You take one day at a time and one issue at a time.  The fighting and surviving never ends...well...until THE END, but the point is, I'm never "out of the woods".  We (my medical team, my family...and myself) have to keep diligent and we have to keep moving along...surviving.

Hopefully, this particular issue will work itself out and I can move on until we hit the next glitch.
I was told that I should hear from the oncologist sometime on Monday or Tuesday to tell me the results of the newest lab test.  If it's normal, we do nothing.  If it's high again, then we move on to the next step.  I assume this will be another scan.  The good news about a scan is that...if something is there...it will show up.

Right now, I'm just praying that my liver and my bones are cancer free.  I'm really not in the mood to be back in the cancer club.  I don't have time for chemotherapy and for feeling bad.  My focus right now is on my kids and their education.

If you find that you have a few extra minutes at mass or when you are visiting Our Lord in Adoration, could you please mention me and my family?  I would greatly appreciate it!

You KNOW I will keep you posted!!



Since taking the Arimidex, I do have a lot of bone pain and stiffness.  Especially in the morning.  He decided to change what I'm taking to something called Femara.  This is another aromatase inhibitor, but apparently it has less side effects of bone pain.  He said he didn't prescribe this to me from the start for two reasons....1.  Back at the beginning of 2009, this med was over $150 more per month than it is now...and 2, they usually give this med to women who's cancer had also spread to their lymph nodes.  Mine hadn't. 
3. 

Health Update

I had my annual mammogram last week.  I hate really dislike mammograms.  On the one hand, the mammogram I had in 2008 saved my life...and on the other hand, it ended life as I had known it up to that point.   Thankfully, this most recent one was uneventful and "negative" for any malignant process.  The lymph node that they have been watching for several years has remained "stable".  All good news!

Yesterday, I had to have some lab work and my port-a-cath flushed.  This is always an eery experience because I have to sit in the chemo room...in one of those big recliners while the nurse flushes it with saline and heparin...and then tries to get a blood return.  If they can get the blood to flow, then they can get several tubes and I don't have to be stuck a second time in my arm.  If not...it's what I call a "needle day".

There were two gentlemen in there receiving their chemotherapy treatment.  We chatted for about 20 minutes while I waited for the nurse.  They were very engaging and had such wonderful attitudes!  They reminded me that receiving such good medical care is a true blessing and that no matter the outcome of the treatment, each day is a gift from God!  Personally, I think they were angels sent there by God...strategically placed to intercept me on my journey....to remind me that life is precious and that I have a purpose.  God is not ready for me to come home yet, I must still have more to do.

Everything went smoothly and thanks to a patient and persistent nurse, we had success with drawing blood!  I'll find out the results on September 3rd when I meet with my oncologist.  If you are interested,  here is a youtube video showing how a port-a-cath is accessed and flushed.  If you get queasy at the sight of blood...don't bother clicking here.  FYI...the music on this video is extremely annoying, so turn down the sound.

In December, I will reach my 4th year anniversary of completing treatment!  A milestone for sure.  Next year will bring on my 5th year and the end to my port-a-cath and my hormone treatment (Arimidex).  Even though all of my active treatment is over, I still feel like I'm doing something by taking that little white pill each day.  It's helping to keep those nasty cancer cells away.  It will seem strange, come next year, to finish all treatment and to not be doing anything to keep the cancer from coming back.

Anyway, things are good for me right now, medically speaking.  I've lost a total of 63 pounds and I keep working at it.  I need to lose another 40 lbs to be where I want to be.  I just keep plugging along.

As always, I'm thankful for your prayers and support....they have helped me tremendously over the past 4 years and I will never be able to express to you how much I appreciate it!

Prayers Please

I need to ask for your prayers again.  Another dear friend of mine F.M. was diagnosed with breast cancer this week.  Please pray for all involved (including doctors and nurses).  She is overwhelmed and very concerned about telling her small boys.  I wish I could take all the worry from her, but I can't.  But I know Someone who can!

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known, that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.  Inspired with this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother.  To you I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful.  O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy hear and answer me.  Amen.

Cancer is just pure evil!

I lost another dear friend today due to complications of breast cancer.   I'm not sure I can do this anymore.  In the last three months, I have lost three friends to this disease and another precious friend lost her father just last week.  Today is one of those days where I've become somewhat angry at God.  I don't get Him.  Why?
Patty leaves 4 beautiful young children and a loving husband.  I don't know what to do.  I feel like crawling into a hole and just going to sleep. 

Rest in peace, Patty.  I know I will see you again someday!  Say hello to Jesus for me.

I needed this!

This has been a rough week.  I had to say good bye to a dear friend.  Pete was diagnosed with lymphoma in November.  He never really responded to treatment.  There is so much I could say about Pete and how he lived his life.  He was special.  If ever there was a person that could be considered a Saint...it was Pete.  He spent his entire life showing Christ to others.  My world is a little more dim now that he is gone. 

Anyway, I came across this post tonight and it really lifted my spirit and I wanted to share it with you.

God and the Post Office

Oncology Appt

It's been four months and that means it's time for my oncology check up.  Except for some pretty rough allergy symptoms, I've been feeling pretty well.  There is really no need to be nervous for this appointment, but leave it to me to conjure up some worry.

Last week I went to my regular doctor because of the allergy symptoms.  To be on the safe side, she ordered a chest xray because I've been short of breath.  Thankfully, the xray was normal.  This was good news and gives me increased confidence that the appointment this afternoon will go well. 

My annual mammogram is due in August so I have another month or two before I start stressing about that!
I'll have to have some lab work done today to check for certain tumor markers.  I'm expecting those to be fine too.

Overall, I can't complain...or I should say....I shouldn't complain!  Itchy, watery eyes and excessive sneezing is something that I can handle (with a little help from Claritan or Zyrtec).  I have many aches, pains and stiffness in my joints and bones...some of it due to my weight and some of it due to the cancer medication that I take daily, but, it's mostly just annoying.  Since my sleep study and subsequent need for a CPAP at night...I am waking up without headaches and feeling refreshed!

I have much to be thankful for!  Next month it will be 3 years since my diagnosis.  I'm moving right along.  Each year that there is no sign of cancer is year of victory for me!  Cancer truly does change your life.  It changes it in some pretty horrible ways...but also changes it in many beautiful ways. 

Just because I'm feeling a little "punchy" today, here are some ways that my life has changed since cancer:

1.  The realization (in a very tangible and concrete way) that I am NOT in control of everything anything!
2.  That even if you have decent medical insurance...you will pay a fortune in co pays, deductibles and various incidental medical needs.
3.  That doctors and nurses are human and make mistakes.
4.  That you can get away with having a bad attitude if you are bald.
5.  That some of the most effective chemo drugs are actually poisons used in war to kill people (for instance, one of my chemo drugs had 'mustard gas' as an ingredient).
6.  That no matter how strong your spiritual life is, you will still be scared sometimes.
7.  That life is fragile.
8.  That you are stronger than you think you are.
9.  That you are NEVER alone.
10.  That some friends will not be able to handle the 'cancer' thing and will withdraw from you totally.

In truth, I've learned much, much more and would never have enough space to list everything.  I think the best way to describe cancer is to say that it is a JOURNEY!  A coming of age of sorts.  Your life is constantly changing from one day to the next and you are NEVER the same person that you were BEFORE the diagnosis.  You BECOME flexible...you have to be!  You find strength in your tears.  You realize that you have been given a wonderful opportunity to touch other people....not in a grand, dramatic, "Sainthood" type of way....but in the small hidden ways.  Like when you smile at the nurse who can't find a vein and has stuck you several times.....or when you share some comforting words to a new cancer patient as they sit in the chemo chair for the first time....or when you can call the garage attendant by name at the cancer center.   You may never be aware that you are touching people.  Seriously!  You may never know what happens in some one's heart after an encounter.  But rest assured that God WILL BRING good out of bad!  What satan means for evil, God will turn it around!

So let the cancer rage...as it were!  Let the doctors, the nurses, the drugs, the advances in medical technology do what they are supposed to do...and you do what you are supposed to do...LIVE one day at a time!  Take each day in stride and do your very best to see the glass as half full!  Allow yourself time (days, if you have to) to feel sorry for yourself and wallow in the deepest sorrow you've ever known....and then...get up and move on!

Dare I say it?  BE NOT AFRAID!  Sigh.

O St. Joseph, protector of those in agony, take pity on those who at this very moment are engaged in their last combat.  Take pity on my own soul when the hour of death shall come for me.  Do not abandon me; in granting your assistance, show that you are my good father, and grant that my divine Savior may receive me with mercy into that dwelling where the elect enjoy a life that shall never end!  Amen.

Oncology Graduation!

Well, I've graduated!  I will now be seeing the oncologist once every four months instead of every three!  This is a good thing!  My next PET Scan will be in TWO YEARS!  This is a wonderful thing!  According to Dr. Marks,  I have passed the first of many hurdles along this "post treatment" journey.

He seemed in a particularly good mood today, especially since the corporation that runs this group of physicians has recently down sized BIG TIME and let go of all of the Nurse Practioners and Physician Assistants!  As usual, he searched my chart at least 3 times for the most recent PET Scan results (even though his office called me last week letting me know everything was O.K.)!

I am about 25 months POST treatment.  According to my doctor, statistics show that by this time in the treatment process, 70% of patients that end up having a recurrence....will have already had one.  Does that make any sense?  To state it another way....my chances of a recurrence have gone waaaaay down!  It doesn't mean that I won't ever have one some day...it just means that as each day passes, it will become less and less likely.  I can live with those statistics.

He has also given me permission to have my port-a-cath removed.  It seems that this is the news that I've been waiting for since it was put in two years ago, but now, I'm hesitant.  I'm really weird.  I can't figure myself out!  It would seem the right thing to do, to turn the last page of this event and close the book on this part of my life.  I DO want to do that...and I will.  But it was such a pain in the blankety, blank, blank to have it put in, I'm dreading making the phone call to the surgeon to make the appointment.  That's ok though...I would sure rather stress about having it out....than all the stress that goes with having it put in!

Prayer to Saint Agatha

O Heavenly Father,

Who raised Agatha

to the dignity of Sainthood,

we implore Your Divine Majesty

by her intercession

to give us health of mind,

body and soul.

Free us from all those things

which hold us bound to this earth,

and let our spirit, like hers,

rise to your heavenly courts.

Through Jesus Christ,

Your Son, our Lord,

Who lives and reigns

with You, forever. Amen.

PET Scan results

Negative FDG PET Scan.  No evidence for residual or recurrent breast cancer.

I think I'll go lay down now...my knees are weak.  I think I also need a drink...something with alcohol, preferably.

It's THAT kind of day!

It's 1:14pm and I'm ready for bed!  It's been one of those days.

As I type this, I'm watching Amelia stand on the window sill in the living room.  It's pouring rain...and has been since about 11pm last night.  There are piles of folded clothes sitting on the coffee table surrounding the bird cage.  For the last 30 minutes, the bird has been trying to get out of his cage.  Perhaps he hates the laundry as much as I do. He can almost get the door up far enough to get out....he just needs another bird to help him and he would be on the Widener's most wanted list!  Clearly, this is how he broke free from his previous owners.

On the homeschool front, we've gotten very little done today.  Sigh.  To tell you the truth, I'm not into it today either.  My re staging PET Scan is tomorrow and that's all I can think about.  It's scheduled for 7:30am.  I need to be there by 7:20am and I can't have any caffeine for 12 hours before the test. Yuk, yuk, yuk!

I didn't want to miss any of the Superbowl (or the commercials), so the dinner dishes never got done last night.  Consequently, they are still in the sink.  I ignored them as I fixed lunch.  I need to get them done before Dan gets home so he never finds out about his slothful wife.

I have resisted sitting the kids in front of the television, but, my resolve is faltering.  To be honest, I just want to curl up under a blanket in my recliner with the cat on my lap and let the kids drink in some Spongebob for the rest of the day.

Now, if I could just get the bird to put away all the folded clothes...

Prayers Please!

I'd like to ask you all to remember me in your prayers over the next several days.  I'm scheduled for my re-staging PET Scan on February 8th at 7:30am.  As it gets closer and closer to the day, my anxiety level slowly increases.  In addition to that, I have not been feeling well lately and whenever I experience new or strange symptoms, I'm always a little wary.

I'm hoping that the problems I'm experiencing right now are medication related.  If I could just learn to deal with issues as they come, I'd be a lot better off.  Instead, I do my best to live in denial for some things and just pretend that everything is fine.

I'm sure that part of the reason I'm feeling so poorly is that I'm not sleeping well.  I've always been a night person and it seems that I'm still awake after midnight most of the time.  My husband thinks that if I could just GO TO BED, turn off all the lights and the TV, I might be able to slow my mind down enough to get some rest.  I know he's right....but habits are hard to break, and, a girl with panic attacks has got to do what a girls gotta do!

Some other factors that are contributing  are....my weight, stress, too much caffeine,  work, and a recent upper respiratory infection that is STILL hanging around.  Put all this together with the worry of my upcoming scan and the fact that I am prone to depression....and you end up with a terrible mess!  Yep, that's me right now!

The thing is, I KNOW that God is in control!  I really do know this.  But for some reason, this knowledge doesn't always bring me comfort.  And so, I beg you for your prayers.  Thank you!

44 reported DEATHS!

WARNING:  If you continue reading, you will be subject to my soap box!


Commercials, magazine ads, billboards, radio spots......all in a ploy to get young girls (as young as NINE) "vaccinated" against a disease that is spread through sexual contact.....and what do we have to show for it......lies, lies and more lies...as well as 44 reported deaths, 15,037 adverse reactions (including Guilliane Barre, lupus, seizures, paralysis, blood clots, brain inflammation and many others), NO efficacy trials in girls under the age of 15, and the knowledge that Gardasil has done absolutely NOTHING to protect the health of young American women.

Click here for the DISGUSTING STORY!

You would not believe the heated discussions I was involved in when this vaccine first came out!  However, I was seen as the "crazy Catholic" lady that wanted every woman to either get cervical cancer and die or become pregnant so that we can further the agenda of Catholics in the world!  No!  I'm not kidding!  People actually implied that I had a secret wish for young women to get cancer because I was against this vaccine!  Seriously!

These very same people have NO PROBLEM taking oral contraception that is KNOWN to increase the risk for breast and CERVICAL cancer (the non sexual contact kind) as well as things like....headaches, dizziness, nausea, lightheadedness, bloating, stomach upset, depression, groin & calf pain, chest pain, lumpy breasts, weakness, tingling in the arms and legs, shortness of breath, yellowing of the eyes and skin!  The list goes on and on!

Would it be wrong just to simply say...I told you so?

Welcome, 2011!

Happy New Year!  Is it just me or did this year go by really, really fast?  Honestly, I don't feel ready for it to be January 2nd.  I've already spent about 2 hours preparing for school to start tomorrow morning!   I printed off a really nice prayer in honor of The Most Holy Name of Jesus which is celebrated tomorrow.  We'll pray the prayer and then use it for some copy work.....I thought it would be good to use as a "warm up" to get them back in the swing of things.

We got a call from one of the basketball coaches at our parish school tonight.  Apparently, they are one kid short for one of the teams and he wanted to know if Nathan would be interested in playing.  We made the decision to go ahead and say yes, even though he just finished up with soccer.  One of the reasons is that we really LOVE this coach and I was so touched that he wanted Nathan on his team!  The practices are reasonable...just once a week and the games are all on Saturdays. 

During this Christmas break, I've learned that two of my elementary school classmates have been diagnosed with cancer.  One with testicular cancer and another with stage 4 Melanoma (brain tumor).  When does this ever end?  It seems that every time I turn around, I hear of someone else who has been stricken with this disease.  It's heart wrenching!   In addition to all of that, my nephew is back in the hospital again.  He is suffering with ulcerative colitis/Crohns disease.  I can't even keep count of how many flare ups he's had in the last year.  I would say that this is at least his 4th hospitalization in the past 12 months!  Please keep him in your prayers. 

There is also another very close family member that is suffering with fibromyalgia.  Recently, her doctors have decided to do some additional testing as her symptoms seem to be more indicative of M.S.  She will undergo a spinal tap sometime in the next 2 weeks.  Apparently this will be the deciding factor in her diagnosis.  I also ask that you would keep her in your prayers as well!

We managed to get all of our Christmas decorations down and put away this afternoon.  This was bittersweet for me.  I have a love/hate relationship with holiday decorations!  The living room looks so bare now!  However, if 2011 is anything like 2010, Christmas will be here again before we know it!

Well, that's my quick update for now.   It shouldn't be too long before I'm back into the routine again.

What's been going on in your neck of the woods?

RIP Elizabeth Edwards

Apparently, when her publicist released the statement about the decision to stop chemotherapy, the situation was much more grave than they let on.  Elizabeth Edwards died today at the age of 61 after a 6 year battle with breast cancer.  Her family issued a statement about an hour ago:

Elizabeth Anania Edwards, mother, author, advocate died today at her home in Chapel Hill, surrounded by her family. Today we have lost the comfort of Elizabeth's presence but she remains the heart of this family. We love her and will never know anyone more inspiring or full of life.


On behalf of Elizabeth we want to express our gratitude to the thousands of kindred spirits who moved and inspired her along the way. Your support and prayers touched our entire family.


In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Wade Edwards Foundation which benefits the Wade Edwards Learning Lab at www.wade.org.

Elizabeth Anania Edwards

July 3, 1949 ~ December 7, 2010

Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon her.

May she rest in peace.

Amen.

 
It's funny, I found myself awake at about 3:30 this morning, unable to get back to sleep.  I suppose I was worrying about all those things "cancer" related that I don't have control over.  As I was sitting at the kitchen table, correcting Amelia's math lesson, it occurred to me that I'm a big dummy!  Why in the world would I waste my time worrying about something that may or may not happen when I've been given the most PRECIOUS gift of being able to homeschool my kids and be with them more?  This is nonsense!  I'm not sure why I do this to myself.   Even after the epiphany at the kitchen table, the wind was still knocked out of me when I read the news of her death this evening.  All I could think about was that jerk rat fink good for nothing man person she was married to and how I'd like to crack him over the head with a baseball bat right about now!    Well, I guess it beats the pity party I was having last night!

Very Sad

This has been such a wonderful, festive day here in the Widener house that I hesitate to end it on such a negative note, but, I had to post this....

Elizabeth Edwards life drawing to a close.

This news has made me very sad.  While I am NOT a supporter of John Edwards (never have been and never will be), I have always admired Elizabeth and her determination to fight this disease.  She has handled it with grace and style.  I am sad that her life is coming to a close at such an early age...I am sad that she has had to deal with the infidelities of her spouse in addition to fighting a physical battle.  I am sad that modern medicine was not able to overcome the ravages of these out-of-control cells.  Damn.

She was first diagnosed with breast cancer back in November of 2004, then the cancer returned in 2007.  She has lived my greatest fear.  My oncologist once told me that breast cancer most commonly recurs somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd year.  THIS IS WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW!  You have no idea the fear that engulfed me when I read the above headline.  You.seriously.have.no.idea!

I realize that it is very dangerous to compare yourself to the cancer journey of someone else.  I do not know (at the molecular level) how her cancer works and grows.  But I do know that it metastasized to her rib, her lung, her hip...and most recently her liver.  My heart hurts for her, and for her family.  May God be with her in a special and close way during these last steps of her journey.  May she find the peace that passes all understanding.  May the closeness of her family and friends bring her comfort and joy this Christmas.

If I could see her face to face, I would say THANK YOU, ELIZABETH for fighting the good fight!  For being an inspiration to me and for smiling through it all!  God Bless You!


I don't know....maybe I need to change the name of my blog....I'm just not feeling very unafraid lately.  Sigh.

It's THAT time of year again!

Hello friends and relatives....yes, it's THAT time of year again!  It's time for my annual mammogram.  I know that I have inundated you with prayer requests over the last two years...but I'm going to ask for more!

Tomorrow morning at 7:30am...I'm scheduled to have a Bone Density Study.  This is primarily to check for bone changes due to the Arimidex that I take everyday.  Apparently, the medication can cause osteoporosis.
Then, at 8:30am....I will have my annual mammogram.  I don't think I have to explain what this test is for.

Please take a few moments to remember me in your prayers.  This is ALWAYS a scary time for me....I'm doing my best to focus on the "Be Not Afraid" part of my blog title....but isn't there usually safety in numbers?

Thanks so much!

It needs to come out!

Right after my initial cancer diagnosis back in July of 2008, I had surgery to implant a "port-a-cath". This was so that they could administer the chemotherapy and draw blood easier and not have to stick me so much. It is placed on my right upper chest, just below my collar bone.

Since December of 2008 (my last chemotherapy treatment), it's been sitting there, minding it's own business! Every 3 months, I have it flushed just to make sure it's still in working order. My oncologist said that he usually has his patients keep these in until around 2 years post treatment. He said part of the reason he leaves them in so long is for superstitious reasons....every time he had one removed when treatment was completed....the cancer would come back and they'd have to get a new one on the other side. Apparently, once it's removed, that's it for that side!

I'm coming up on my 2 year anniversary of diagnosis in July and in December, it will be two years since my treatment was completed. I think it's time to get it taken out!

For one thing, it is one of many constant reminders of this whole, horrible ordeal. Evidently, it's not enough that I walk around with a uni-boob as a major reminder! Secondly, it hurts! I can't lay on that side at night and it has now begun to hurt almost everyday. I was told that the reason we couldn't permanently leave it in was because eventually, my body would begin to reject this foreign object. I think that's what is happening now.

I don't see my oncologist until August so I'm in a bit of a dilemma as to what to do. The pain is certainly bearable, but, I think my body is trying to tell me something. The trauma of having it inserted has still not left me, but at some point I'm going to have to put on my big girl panties and just bite the bullet.

It's so funny to me how weeks (and sometimes months) can go by without much thought of cancer.....and then BOOM, there it is.....right there in front of you! This brings me to the point of this entire post:

Even though I've been known to spend a ton of time complaining about my journey with cancer, I am SO thankful that it was caught early...that I have excellent doctors who are treating me with the BEST that the industry has to offer at the moment.....that my prognosis is really, really good...and that God has blessed me with the most wonderful support system that anyone could ever hope for. Yes, I walk around with battle scars....I walk around with aches and pains sometimes and with an attitude A LOT of the time, but don't let that fool you. I am so GRATEFUL for the blessings in my life and even during the worst of times, I am aware that so many have suffered greatly....much more than me.

Cancer Update

I had my 3 month follow up with the oncologist today! I can't believe it's been that long already. He didn't really have much to say except for throwing some statistics out there. Suffice it to say, my goal right now is to get to 5 years without a recurrence. If I can do that, then I believe the numbers are something like 10-15% of it ever coming back....over a LIFETIME! I can most certainly live with that (the operative word being live!).

They were not able to get a blood return from my portacath. This is a bummer. He'd like for me to keep the port until we're at least 2 years out from the end of chemo. However, sometimes your body can decide that it no longer wants this foreign object anymore and can begin to attack it. This wouldn't be good. I have another appointment in 3 months...if they still can't draw blood....he'll schedule me to have it removed. *****sigh*****

Some of you may remember the....um......drama that surrounded the portacath's insertion! I do not want (nor need) any more drama...thank you very much! I would rather just keep the portacath until they absolutely must remove it!

It's always strange going back to the cancer center. Seeing those nurses, smelling the smells has a way of bringing back memories of my time there. The memories aren't bad, exactly, they are just...unpleasant. It's bearable, but I long for the day when I won't ever have to go back there again. Still, I owe all of those people, and all of those poisons, my life!

I won't have to have another PET Scan until 2011 (that's a relief!). However, he wants me to have a Bone Density study soon. Apparently this measures bone thinning and the medication I'm on (Arimidex), can cause that in some people. He also informed me that there isn't much he can do with the arthritic pain I'm having. It's just a side effect of the medication. He said he'd be happy to give me something for the pain...but....I played the martyr and told him no!

All in all, it was good visit. Thank you all for your concern and prayers. I truly appreciate them!

PET Scan results....

From the official "preliminary" report (as opposed to the official "final" report):

1. Negative whole body FDG PET study with no findings to suggest recurrent malignancy.

2. Postoperative changes of left mastectomy. No residual hypermetabolic activity evident within the left chest wall. No evidence of axillary or more distal adenopathy.


I'm now going to go throw up....and then have something cool and refreshing to celebrate!!