Today's Appointment

In just a few short hours (10am EST), I will take Amelia to her psychiatry appointment.  This appointment is specifically to discuss medication.  It's funny to me, after all that we've been through, that I'm still hesitant to "do" medication.

Towards the end of this past school year, I was desperate.  I was willing to try anything, to do anything that would help her to be able to function at school.  In addition to the pressure I felt from the school, I caved.  We tried a couple of different meds, but they were not helpful.  One was an anti depressant which I was NOT comfortable with.  As it turned out, it made her more agitated anyway and so I took her off of it.  Her pediatrician agreed.

Although I don't know for sure, I get the feeling that the more traditional meds for ADHD will be on the table today.  Even though she does not have ADHD, many of the symptoms are the same.  We are most concerned with her impulse control.  For the most part, this is the biggest problem facing her in the classroom. 

If I were to be honest, I would say that I'm nervous.  I'm concerned about what this medicine will do to my daughter's body and how she will react to it.  It's one thing to agree to a particular medication when I'm the one that will be ingesting it.  It's quite another when it will be my daughter who will be the guinea pig.  I even had a dream about it last night.

The only thing that is keeping me from completely freaking out is the fact that most of these meds have been in use for a long time.  Instead of giving large doses of a particular med, studies have shown that giving smaller doses of two or more meds are proving more effective and safer.  For some reason, it's the combination of some medications that show the most success.

I wish there was some other way.  I wish I could just homeschool her.  This would save her from having to put these chemicals in her body...and would allow her to work at her own pace. Unfortunately, that ship has sailed.

I ask for your prayers this morning.  I know you are pretty "prayed out" with this situation but, I ask you to bring my Amelia to the Throne today.  We need to find the right medication with the lowest dose possible to achieve the goal of impulse control for her.  Her behavior needs to do a 180 in order for us to have a successful school year.  We are also working on behavior modification and she will begin regular therapy in about two weeks.  I ask you for your prayers for Dan and I also.  We are trying to learn new techniques for parenting but we need to be consistent.  It's so easy to undo everything that we have achieved in this area.  Nathan and Olivia are also trying to adjust to our new way of living. 

Thank you so much. 

Prayers Please!

I'd like to ask you all to remember me in your prayers over the next several days.  I'm scheduled for my re-staging PET Scan on February 8th at 7:30am.  As it gets closer and closer to the day, my anxiety level slowly increases.  In addition to that, I have not been feeling well lately and whenever I experience new or strange symptoms, I'm always a little wary.

I'm hoping that the problems I'm experiencing right now are medication related.  If I could just learn to deal with issues as they come, I'd be a lot better off.  Instead, I do my best to live in denial for some things and just pretend that everything is fine.

I'm sure that part of the reason I'm feeling so poorly is that I'm not sleeping well.  I've always been a night person and it seems that I'm still awake after midnight most of the time.  My husband thinks that if I could just GO TO BED, turn off all the lights and the TV, I might be able to slow my mind down enough to get some rest.  I know he's right....but habits are hard to break, and, a girl with panic attacks has got to do what a girls gotta do!

Some other factors that are contributing  are....my weight, stress, too much caffeine,  work, and a recent upper respiratory infection that is STILL hanging around.  Put all this together with the worry of my upcoming scan and the fact that I am prone to depression....and you end up with a terrible mess!  Yep, that's me right now!

The thing is, I KNOW that God is in control!  I really do know this.  But for some reason, this knowledge doesn't always bring me comfort.  And so, I beg you for your prayers.  Thank you!

Update: Test Results!

Stable today - Annual in one year.

Phew!

Thanks to my prayer warriors!  We have a one year reprieve!

It's THAT time of year again!

Hello friends and relatives....yes, it's THAT time of year again!  It's time for my annual mammogram.  I know that I have inundated you with prayer requests over the last two years...but I'm going to ask for more!

Tomorrow morning at 7:30am...I'm scheduled to have a Bone Density Study.  This is primarily to check for bone changes due to the Arimidex that I take everyday.  Apparently, the medication can cause osteoporosis.
Then, at 8:30am....I will have my annual mammogram.  I don't think I have to explain what this test is for.

Please take a few moments to remember me in your prayers.  This is ALWAYS a scary time for me....I'm doing my best to focus on the "Be Not Afraid" part of my blog title....but isn't there usually safety in numbers?

Thanks so much!

This and That...

• I'm pretty sure I forgot to post an update on my skin cancer. The Mohs procedure went well...they only had to take one slice. However, I was surprised that the incision line and stitches ended up being about 3 inches long (the size of the cancer was smaller than a pencil eraser)...go figure. It's healing well and I go back in a month for a check up. Please do NOT neglect anything on your skin that changes or doesn't look right!
• I received the practice schedules for the soccer league that Nathan and Amelia are in this year! Nathan's are for Monday's at 3:00pm and Amelia's are Monday's at 5:00pm! Sigh. This is really going mess up my day! This will mean making sure Nathan takes his practice clothes with him to school.....or....I will have to bring them to him when I pick up the girls. I'm not sure how the logistics of it will work...I'll need to work that out. Dadgummit! The games are all on Fridays. I wonder how you get 6 Kindergartner's to remember what to do from the practice on Monday's...to the games on Friday's. This should be interesting.
• I got lots of stuff done this weekend. I organized all the kids' bookshelves and switched out all the book baskets from summer books to Halloween/Thanksgiving books! I was also able to get all the beds changed with clean linens and completed about 6 loads of laundry.
• Have you ever looked behind your dryer? I never had...until Dan and I decided it was time (it's been 11 years) to clean out the ducts and vacuum out all of the lint from around the dryer. You will not believe how fast my clothes dry now! What a huge difference this has made! I recommend it.
• Each year at Thanksgiving, I make a Thanksgiving Tree for our family. We use it to remind us of all the blessings that we have in our lives. Here is the post I did from last years tree. It really didn't look much like a tree. So this year, I'm cheating. I found the cutest tree from the Oriental Trading company. It's already made and it comes with the leaves already made too. I know it probably won't be as fun for the kids.....but hey, right now, time is of the essence! Click here to see a picture of the ready made Thanksgiving Tree.
• I also had my 3 month check up with the oncologist. My lab worked looked fine. I had my portacath flushed and that all went fine too. As it stands right now, I will have a PET Scan the week of 12/7/09 and then see the Oncologist for the results the week of 12/14/09....because, you know, finding out if your cancer has spread is best done right before Christmas! Sigh.

Update!!

The news is good! According to the radiologist that looked at my mammogram this morning..."everything looks fine and there was no change from last year"! It was a surreal experience though. I sat in the same exact room where I was given the news just one year ago.

Anyway, please pray for the woman I shared the waiting room with....she did not go into detail but she was diagnosed sometime last month with breast cancer. She said she had "surgery" on June 29th. I'm not sure if she meant a surgical biopsy or a lumpectomy (she clearly still had her breast). She said she would be starting radiation soon. At that point, it was my turn and so we parted ways. I do not know here name, but, please intercede for this very young woman who looked terrified!

I will forever be thankful for your prayers.

Please pray!

Mammogram today.

Update post

I just wanted to give everybody a quick update on the happenings in our house over the last two days.....

1. Well, Olivia did indeed have the stomach flu and Amelia was not far behind her. Both girls were pretty sick yesterday morning but by the time I got home from work, they had much more energy and were hungry! I made chicken noodle soup for dinner with Ritz crackers. Everybody ate well and everyone managed to keep everything down! All three of the kids spent the day with Dan's sister today. They seemed to have tons of energy (as usual) and were bouncing off of the walls when I got there. I'm waiting for the ball to drop for Nathan! Keep your fingers crossed!

2. I had an appointment with my oncologist yesterday. I have been very anxious about this appointment for some time. My stomach was doing flip-flops yesterday morning too and I wasn't sure if it was because of my upcoming appointment or because I'd held the bucket for Olivia all morning! Anyway, the first thing that came out of the doctor's mouth was "Oh my gosh your hair has come back so curly"! It really has! It looks as though I've spent tons of money on a perm! He has warned me though that I am not to cut it or dye it until it is at least 2 inches long (which it is not, yet) or my hair could be permanently damaged.

In order to save you from all the boring details about the appointment, I'll just say that I have an appointment for a mammogram on July 21st! This will be my first since the diagnosis last year.

Then, as long as everything comes out fine for that, I don't have to see him again until September. At that time, he will schedule me for a PET Scan which I will have in December. If I can pass both tests cancer free.....I will have reduced my risk of a recurrence by 50%! Apparently, those statistics are based on the particular type/grade of cancer I had and the particular type of treatment. Most recurrences happen within the first 3 years.

I'm just going to take one test at a time. I can't say I'm not going to worry about it because...I know I will.

All I can do is just ask for your prayers on July 21st and put it all in God's hands!

3. Lastly, today is my Mother-in-Law's birthday!!! She turns 81 today!!

Happy Birthday, Nancy! And may you have many, many more!

Phew!

My ultrasound brought good news! The cyst....is just a cyst! I have also developed a fibroid tumor but I know that both of these things are pretty normal for someone my age....OLD!! I'm very relieved. Later this afternoon, I noticed a rash all over my chest and neck. I'm still trying to figure out if it's just prickly heat or stress. I think all of this is just more than I can handle sometimes. Have you ever heard anybody complain more than me? I swear...I haven't even begun treatment yet and I have more woes than anybody I know!

After dropping the kids off to school this morning, I walked on over for 8:00 mass. It always feels so good when I can start my day this way! The first reading was I Corinthians 12:31 - 13:13....you know the one that is read at most weddings:

Brothers and sisters:Strive eagerly for the greatest spiritual gifts.But I shall show you a still more excellent way.If I speak in human and angelic tonguesbut do not have love,I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.And if I have the gift of prophecyand comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge;if I have all faith so as to move mountains,but do not have love, I am nothing.If I give away everything I own,and if I hand my body over so that I may boastbut do not have love, I gain nothing.Love is patient, love is kind.It is not jealous, love is not pompous,it is not inflated, it is not rude,it does not seek its own interests,it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,it does not rejoice over wrongdoingbut rejoices with the truth.It bears all things, believes all things,hopes all things, endures all things.Love never fails.If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing;if tongues, they will cease;if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.For we know partially and we prophesy partially,but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.When I was a child, I used to talk as a child,think as a child, reason as a child;when I became a man, I put aside childish things.At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror,but then face to face.At present I know partially;then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.So faith, hope, love remain, these three;but the greatest of these is love.

Anyway, Fr. Fred was saying in his homily that it might be interesting to see how this passage plays out after couples have been married a few years!! In essence, this passage is a description of Jesus' attributes and our job is to strive to be like Him! It is easy to follow these guidelines for love while we are newly married. It's another thing to hold these virtues close after the honeymoon is over. I agree with this, in theory...however, it hasn't really been my experience as of yet. Dan and I haven't been married all that long. We're working on 11 years, but, I can tell you that I love him more today than I did back then. To me, it's easier to love this way now. We aren't trying to impress each other...we know faults and short comings...we know attitudes and habits. Sometimes, these aren't things we're proud of about ourselves...but it's real....it's really who we are.
Our lives have changed drastically since we first met. In our early days, we moved about our lives much differently. When God says, "the two shall become one" he wasn't kidding (is He ever???). I know that we did become one on that day back in November of 1997...but it was more symbolic to me then. Today, this is reality. I feel as though Dan is just an extension of myself. We are on such a deeper level now. Our hearts are one, our thoughts are one, our lives truly are one. This is how I know that without a doubt, God brought us together for a purpose...a Divine Purpose. Three of those "purposes" also live in this house with us. God has brought Dan and I closer to Himself through our committment to each other. I understand now in a real way, the analogy of the Bride of Christ. I am blessed with the best husband and father ever!! He truly is my soul mate and I'm so glad we are sharing this adventure together.

Whew...that was a little deep for a Tuesday! How did I go from talking about uterine fibroids and ovarian cysts to the Bride of Christ???? Oh well, I suppose if you can follow my train of thought....you can follow anything!

The Power of Suggestion

Who knew that just the slightest mention of something could take your imagination on a trip to the moon and back! About a week ago, the results of the Cat Scan showed that I had a decent sized cyst (4 cm) on my right ovary. Now...please understand, up until that time....I felt nothing...nada. Since then, I've developed symptoms. Amazing! Though the symptoms are pretty vague...they are still there. I feel a slight "heaviness" on the right side, almost a bloated feeling. When I turn a certain way or get up from sitting on the floor, I feel a twinge of pain in that general area. I seriously wonder if the pain is actually there or if I'm just making it up! I think it's pretty pathetic when you don't even know for sure if something is wrong or if it's all in your head. I guess I'll know soon enough. Please God, let it just be a cyst...I couldn't handle anything else right now!
All my previously scheduled tests have been completed. I'm sure the ultrasound for the ovarian cyst will be just around the corner. There are bruises all over my right arm where IV's have been and each of them have a left a hole....count em....4. My right chest is also bruised (beautiful colors of yellow, green and purple) where the cath was placed. It's still slightly swollen but you can barely make out where the cath is under the skin. Thank goodness it will be there for over a year as I'm not sure I could go through another procedure like that for awhile.
It's funny to me that I'm already sick of hospitals and my treatment hasn't even begun yet.
The kids are pretty tired of hearing, "mommy's tired" as my excuse for not engaging them as much as usual. The truth is...I really am tired. I don't know if the anesthesia is to blame or if I'm having anticipatory fatigue. I guess I'm just a mental case these days. Most days I have a good amount of energy in the morning, but, by the late afternoon I feel as though I've been hit by a truck. I feel so relieved once homework, dinner, baths and stories are all done for the night and I can sit down and relax. I usually last about an hour although I try to stay awake until Dan comes home.
The kids have been playing musical beds lately. When we wake up in the morning, usually at least one of them has wandered to the couch. Occassionally, one will end up in our bed. I'm usually in the recliner because right now, it is uncomfortable for me to sleep on either side. My left arm is still very stiff (yes, I'm doing my exercises) and my right one is still too painful. I wake up several times during the night and sometimes when I wake up...I can't get back to sleep at all. When that happens, I turn on the light...do a crossword puzzle or a soduku and wait for my brain to slow down long enough to doze for a few minutes before the whole house is up.
Well, I think I've moaned enough for today. I'll moan more tomorrow!