A Thread!

We're all hanging on by a thread here!  It's been a tough week...a tough few weeks. 

The main reason why Dan and I were reluctant, in the beginning, to put Amelia on medication is because we knew it would be a roller coaster ride.  It has been.  It is.

They told us that she would have a period everyday when the medicine "wears off".  They said that every child is different but mentioned that it can be a very emotional time for them.  Emotional is an understatement!  There are tears, there is drama, hurtful words, stomping off, slamming doors...and this can last for hours.

When we met with the Dr. a few days ago, she asked me how Amelia was doing and I had to be honest.  I said that I didn't notice much change in her, at all.  Behaviorally, she's exactly the same.  The only change I did notice was that during two days last week, she picked up a book...all on her own...and read them...cover to cover!  This was definitely a change for the good!  But, she hasn't done it since and shows no interest in doing so, even when prompted.

The doctor upped the dosage on her meds.  She is now on 27 mg instead of 18 mg.  She said that because of Amelia's size, she will only go up to 54mg with her.  Her plan is to continue to raise the dosage until we hit a place where Amelia is better, or she begins to have side effects.  If this happens, she will change the medication to something else.  The goal is to find a medication that works for her.  I know this takes time and patience, but in the meantime, Amelia is on this emotional roller coaster and I feel terrible.  This just doesn't seem right. 

When we left the doctor's office, I was given an appointment sheet showing her next two appointments.  When I got home and stopped to look at this sheet (so I could add the dates to our master family calendar), I noticed something that broke my heart.

This is devastating to me.  Look at all the labels they have given her.  Just look at them!  I feel that this is all my fault.  In trying to help her, I've just made her life more difficult for the future.  I wanted her to be able to function socially.  Now, it seems, I've just plotted a course for her life that will be even more difficult for her to overcome.  Sigh.

She has her first therapy appointment today.  Please pray that this goes well for her....that she can find it within herself to trust this counselor and allow her to help her find some ways to cope.  Please pray for me...that the guilt does not consume me.





Attitude

My attitude has gotten in the way of my updating this blog.  The medication that Amelia has been on over the last few days has not shown to be effective, at all.  As a matter of fact, I see absolutely no difference in her demeanor or behavior.  I'm very discouraged.  I guess I expected a miracle.

I've been thinking about this a lot, and I remembered something that happened a few years ago.  Amelia had to have some dental work done that required some sedation.  They did not want to put her all the way out, so they decided to give her something that might make her feel a little woozy.  It didn't work.  Neither did the laughing gas.  The dentist ended up almost sitting on top of her along with the help of several assistants.  Although the medication that she is currently taking is not a sedative (it's actually a stimulant), do you think it could be that she just has a high tolerance for meds?  I don't know, I guess I'm grasping at straws here.

I want her to be better.  I want her to be able to function normally in this family.  I want her to stop being so confrontational, so impulsive, so negative, so combative.  I want her to STOP!  There is constant conflict between her, Nathan and Olivia.  Today, Olivia had a friend over for a play date/sleepover and it's been hell!  When she plays with Olivia and her friend, she wants to be in charge of everything.  Then, when they get tired of her bossiness and ask to play by themselves, Amelia gets her feelings hurt and cries and carries on in a very dramatic way for hours!

Dan worked all day and so I guess I just feel tired, defeated and disappointed that the meds have not gotten her to slow down...even a little but.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want her drugged out, staring into space...but I would like her to be a little bit more introspective and not so touchy.

I feel guilty that I'm basically telling you that I don't like my daughter's personality.  She's hard to deal with and today, I'm not feeling up to the task.

OK...my whine fest is over.  That is all.

Here we go!

 

 

I'm not good at this.  I feel very inadequate and intimidated.  Who in the world decided it was a good idea to allow me to be a parent?  Someone somewhere, made a mistake!  I'm sure of it!  Sigh.

The doctor's appointment went well, sort of.  Dr. A. was friendly and polite.  The thing is, this was the second physician we've seen in this practice, but I still had to go over EVERYTHING...AGAIN!  She has access to all of the test results, all of the forms and questionnaires we've already filled out, yet the first thing she says to us was, "So, what brings you into my office today"?  Really?  So, for the umpteenth time, I started from the very beginning and filled her in.  About half way through my dissertation, she figured out she had a bunch of documents already on line about Amelia and began to read them...WHILE I WAS TALKING TO HER!  Errrgggh! One of these days.....to the moon, Alice!!

She asked lots of questions....really good questions that no one else had asked before.  I felt like she really "got" Amelia.  For the first time, I felt like someone understood what we were going through.  She could tell that I wasn't too keen on the idea of medication, but she didn't push.  She explained that in order to help Amelia be successful, we would need a multi faceted approach.  First and foremost, we would need a home management plan.  This will be addressed when we start therapy with a LFMC on July 19th.  We will need to work on such things as behavioral management, schedules, organization, consistent and appropriate consequences for bad behavior and reasonable rewards for good behavior.  The second part will be getting the school involved and making sure that we have clear expectations on how each situation will be handled and what kind of accommodations will be put in place.  Lastly, medication.

We talked at length about Amelia's specific needs for school.  First and foremost is impulse control.  Secondly, confidence building.  She has been so torn down over the last several months that her self esteem is almost non existent.  She feels as though no one likes her or wants to be around her and while some of that is true (because of her behavior), she is still a child of God...worthy of love and friendship.

If she can slow down enough to be able to think things through (in the limited way that a 9 year old can) she can begin to see that she has a place in the world, that she is capable of doing 3rd grade work, of having friends and play dates...of being normal.  This is where the medication comes into play.

I've agreed to a trial run of a "traditional" ADHD medication.  Beginning today, she will take 18mg per day of Concerta.  This medication has been around for close to 40 years.  Concerta is basically just an extended release form of the first ADHD med called Ritalin.  I'm not excited about this, but I'm resolved. 

I know what you all are thinking.  Yes.  Yes, I've spent the better part of the last 6 hours researching this med.  I've read about every single side effect that anyone has ever encountered.  Some are quite serious and dangerous.  I know.  But Amelia needs some relief.  She needs to feel like her old self.  If this med will help us achieve that goal, then I think it's worth a try. 

I had a friend tell me the other day, "Nancy...so what?  You're going to give her ADHD medication???  Big deal!  You're doing what thousands of other parents have done in the past and will do in the future.  You're helping your daughter get a grip on a very trying time in her life!  Don't be so dramatic"!  Maybe this friend was right.  Maybe it isn't such a big deal after all.  Maybe it's just what needs to be done.

Either way, I will keep you informed on how things are going.  Thanks for your prayers and support.