When a child is hurting, Part 4 - The conclusion

Dr. M. thought that perhaps we should try an anti-depressant.  She felt uncomfortable putting her on one of the typical ADHD meds since most of those are stimulants.  We all agreed that Amelia didn't need to be stimulated...at all!  So, she started her on a common anti-depressant.  After a week or so, we still hadn't seen any significant change.  I watched her struggle everyday.  Her behavior at home was awful and so I knew it had to be that way at school too.  Then, the week before Easter break, I got a call from the principal.  Dan and I went in to see her and they decided that it would be best to change 3rd grade classes.  I know that they wanted us to see this as a "positive" change for Amelia and I was hopeful, but I also knew the real reason they had switched classes.  For one thing, I think her poor teacher needed a break!  I know that Mrs. J. spent a ton of time trying to keep her reigned in.  Clearly the other students needed a break from her too.  She was so disruptive in class that I'm sure those kids were grateful for the peace and quiet.  All did not go well though.  Even though our intent was not to tell her about the change until Easter break had started, she inadvertently found out that she had been moved to Mrs. G's class while in the car line at school.  She was very upset.  She cried hysterically for several hours.  My heart was breaking for her.  She didn't understand (and still doesn't) that her behavior matters and that dealing with her can be exhausting...for her teachers and her classmates.  She thought that this change meant that Mrs. J. didn't like her and that the kids in her class hated her.

By the time classes started back again, she was ready for the change to Mrs. G's class.  I walked her to class that first day and she seemed happy.  I got to work, sat down...and prayed.  All I could think was...."and now we wait"!  Sure enough, the honeymoon period was short.  Within the first two weeks, we were right back where we had started.  Only this time, it got worse.  I got an email from Mrs. G. explaining that Amelia had made some very inappropriate comments to some of her classmates during recess.  Apparently, the kids went home and mentioned this to their parents.  Consequently, Mrs. G. had gotten several calls and the principal had gotten several emails.  I'm not going to say here exactly what the inappropriate comments were but suffice it to say....they were awful and not something that should EVER come out of a 9 year olds mouth.  To make a long story short...she was suspended for 3 days!  To this day, she denies having said anything even close to what those kids repeated to their parents, but the truth of the matter is, Amelia lies all the time and there was NO WAY for me to know if she was telling the truth or not.  There was no way I could defend her. 

I immediately called Dr. M and I also called to make an appointment for an evaluation with a neuro-psychologist.  Dr. M was able to see us right away...but it would be several weeks before she was seen for the evaluation.  Dr. M. spent quite awhile talking with Amelia that day.  She upped her anti-depressant to a dosage that I was not comfortable with.  I was prescribed this same anti-depressant after I had delivered Nathan for some post partum issues.  Amelia was now taking a higher dosage than I was taking some 12 years earlier!  I was scared for my daughter.

She had the evaluation with the neuro-psychologist back on May 2nd.  We are still waiting for her findings.  This was about a 5 hour appointment.  I sat patiently in the waiting room, praying pleading with God to please help her...to help us! 

Two weeks ago, we had another incident with Amelia saying something inappropriate to her classmates.  This time, they took her out of Mrs. G's class and have her in Mrs. W's (who is the resource teacher) room for the rest of the year.  She is not allowed to interact with her classmates at all.  She can't even have lunch in the cafeteria.  The good news is that she does much better with one on one interaction. 

I'm at the point now where I just don't know what to do.  I try to tell myself that I'm doing everything I possibly can to help her.  She is fidgety, impulsive, not focused, inattentive and hyper.  She's very smart, but she can't slow down enough to think logically.  She has no filter.  She does not understand that she can't just say whatever she is thinking.  She can't grasp that some things are better left unsaid....that she can't just blurt out whatever she's thinking, whenever she's thinking it.  She wants so much to be liked and she doesn't understand that the way she behaves pushes people away.

I have cried more tears than I ever thought possible.  I want her to be happy, healthy and successful.  I want her to be liked and appreciated.  She is such a sweet little girl.  She has many talents as well as great and creative ideas.  She has a wonderful imagination.  She has a big heart.  She loves her brother and sister immensely.  She is feminine, yet, she can climb the heck out of a tree.  The best part of her is that she knows how to love!  She is so special to me.

This has been a rough year for her.  She is suffering.  She feels defeated and lost.  She told me the other day...."mom, maybe I should just go away".  How is it that my precious little 9 year old can feel like that?  Please tell me how!  So many times I've wanted to just grab her....pack our stuff and just get in the car and drive!  Just she and I.  I want to take her away from here, from this school, from these teachers, from this mess that's been our life for the last year.  She needs to be free from ridicule, from harassment, from the stigma of being "one of those kids"....the "problem child".  Oh, if only I could just take the hurt away from her.  If I could just make it better.  What kind of mother am I that I can't make it better? 

As of today we are weaning her off of the anti depressant.  I truly think this has not helped her at all.  Frankly, I think it's made things worse.  We are also waiting for the evaluation from the neuro-psychologist.  Her findings will give us some guidance, some direction.  It will be helpful to know exactly what we're dealing with.  Is it truly ADHD, is it ODD or is it some other issue.  In the meantime, there are only 7 days of school left.  I don't think I have ever been so glad that a school year is ending!

I know that I can count on your prayers and support during this difficult time in our family, but today, I'm really looking for some practical advice.  Someone, somewhere out there has had a similar experience and can share some words of wisdom with me!  I know we are not alone.  This path has been well worn by the feet of praying, hopeful yet concerned parents.  My daughter is worth every tear I've shed...every trip to the Principal's office, every time out, every temper tantrum, and every prayer that I've pleaded.  I will not give up on her, even if the school does, even if society does.    She is everything to me!

For Part 1, click here.
For Part 2, click here.
For Part 3, click here.

When a child is hurting, Part 3

By the second quarter, it was as though Amelia had become a different person. I no longer knew this little girl that was my daughter.  Her personality had changed.  She was always quite dramatic but she began to become very emotional.  Her teacher would tell me at least once a week that she was not getting along with the other kids in her class.  She was also getting calls from other parents telling her that they didn't want their children sitting next to Amelia.  As a parent, this was heartbreaking to hear.

Amelia stopped doing anything independently.  During second grade, she was able to do all of her homework on her own.  Now, I had to sit with her and walk her through every step.  If I stepped away for any reason, she was off task and it took me a good hour to get her back to where she could focus again.  It was almost too intense for me.  I had to coach her to put her name at the top of the paper, to find the right page in her book...to number her paper.  It was like she was back in preschool. 

Her reading log was the worst!  She was required to read for 20 minutes every night and then write a short observation or summary of what she had read.  Simple enough, right?  Wrong.  It was a struggle every single night!  She HATES to read!  She HATES to write! Some nights she just refused to do it!

After getting almost constant emails and notes from the teacher, I decided that I had enough and I called the public school office.  I learned that they did have a program for private schools for evaluations and assessments.  Several weeks later, we were sitting in the county offices, along with Amelia's teachers and several members of the evaluation team.  We talked for well over an hour and we came up with three main conclusions:

1. Her grades were still "too good" so she technically did not qualify for any ESE services.
2. Her problems were mostly behavioral related and should be treated as such.
3. There were several "accommodations" that should be made for her.

When she was able to focus, she did her work willingly and correctly so they were not worried about her academically, but, they felt that eventually her grades were going to suffer just simply because she couldn't seem to function at school.  The county team recommended that she be evaluated for something called a "504 Plan".  Since this was a private school, this was basically all they could recommend.  So, they gave us several evaluation (BASC) forms...some for Dan and I, as well as a couple for the teachers.  In addition to the forms, they wanted to conduct an "in class observation".  This would all take well over 6 months.  In the meant time, we struggled. However, her teachers came up with some very helpful accommodations to see if Amelia could function better.  Because of her trouble reading, they decided to have someone read all test questions to her.  Also, they decided to take her out of the classroom for tests so she wasn't so distracted.

The school had also been recommending the medication route from the very beginning.  I admit that I was against this from the get-go.  I have heard horror stories from both family and friends about the danger of these medications and the havoc that they cause in these little bodies.  In my mind I had this whole scenario where we would be looking for the right combination of meds for months and months and all the while, filling my daughter with dangerous chemicals that can cause devastating  side effects.  Plus, I had heard that some of the ADHD medication can cause some of these kids to lose weight.  My little Amelia is only 9 years old and was barely 50 lbs.  She didn't have a whole lot of reserve to work with.  Even so, we called our pediatrician.

Our pediatrician is a wonderful woman who has raised 6 boys!  She is a practicing Catholic and is a member of our parish!  We've known her for many years.  I trust her.  When we finally met with her, she explained a lot of things.  She sat in an exam room and used the tissue paper on the exam room table as her notebook.  She drew pictures of the brain, she explained all about neurotransmitters, serotonin, and dopamine.  She was a human encyclopedia of information!  After that appointment, I felt like my head would explode, but I was happy.  I knew we were in the right place and if anybody could help Amelia, it would be Dr. M.  Unfortunately, she gave us yet MORE forms to fill out!  I tell you, I'm sick of forms!  It's always the same thing....answer "Always, Sometimes, Never"!

After she had a chance to review our responses (as well as the teacher responses), she recommended that we "try" a medication called Tenex.  This medication is typically used to lower blood pressure, but she thought it might slow Amelia down just a tad so she could be more functional in the classroom.  I agreed because it is a non stimulant. She told us that she really didn't think Amelia had typical ADD/ADHD symptoms.  She thought she was exhibiting symptoms more related to something called ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder).  She also thought Amelia had some depression/anxiety issues too.  Wow.  I wasn't prepared to hear that!  I've suffered my whole life with depression/anxiety and it upset me to think that this could be a genetic thing....a situation where I've passed on my issues  to her!  This was mind blowing and if I didn't already feel guilty for allowing the medication, I definitely felt guilty for this!  After all, I still struggle with the fact that even though there was no breast cancer in my family, I was still diagnosed with it and now there is a good chance my girls will end up with it too.  This was a major blow to me and to tell you the truth, I am still coming to grips with it.

The Tenex made her sleepy for the first week, but, she did a ton better!  Mrs. J. said she was able to focus, she stayed in her seat, and she participated in some of the classroom activities!  We were all so happy.  I was just shocked that we had found a medication that was a non stimulant and it was working!  Our happiness lasted only about 4 days.  I have come to know the term "honeymoon period" really well now with regard to this type of medication.  I'm told this happens all the time...a new medicine works for awhile and then.....it just stops working.  Since this is a blood pressure medicine, we were not able to increase the dose.  She doesn't weigh much and lower her blood pressure too much could cause her to pass out....or worse!  We stopped the Tenex.

Stay tuned for the conclusion of When a child is hurting, Part 4!

Catch up on this series if you've missed it......Part 1 here, and Part 2 here!

When a child is hurting, Part 2

It started, I think, within the first week of Amelia returning to our parish school for second grade.  It began with notes in her planner saying things like, "not on task today", "can't stay in her seat", "not following directions".  On one particular day, the teacher caught me in the parking lot and explained to me that Amelia had lied to her about finishing an assignment.  Amelia said she had finished it, but could not produce it for the teacher.  After some investigation, the teacher found the paper crumpled up in the trash can in the classroom, unfinished.  We never did get to the bottom of that incident.  However, during that meeting in the parking lot, the teacher made a few things very clear....

1. This teacher let it "slip" that she was not a fan of homeschooling.
2. This teacher made her opinion quite obvious  that Amelia was "not ready for second grade".
3. This teacher implied that Amelia's inability to stay in her seat or stay on task was directly related to homeschooling the previous year. 

This particular teacher is very small and petite.  She is very soft spoke and kind  so it took awhile for me to understand that in her own soft spoken and kind way, she was criticizing me.  It hardly seemed noticeable at the time, but throughout the year, she reiterated her position several times...always blaming the year we homeschooled. for Amelia's classroom behavior.  In her eyes, that one year of homeschooling had knocked Amelia's socialization skills off it's axis.  She wasn't functioning well in a classroom setting.  This would not be the last time these words were spoken to me...not by a long shot!

Amelia's behavior continued to decline, slowly at first but it picked up speed toward the end of the year.  At one point, she received something that our school calls an "N.O.C." or "notice of concern".  The incident involved an outburst of anger where she slammed her books and her desk chair. I had begun to notice that she was becoming more impulsive with her actions when she was frustrated.  Although she was not violent, she definitely was losing grip with self control.  I suspected that while Amelia was losing self control, her teacher was losing patience.

Her grades remained stable, with the exception of reading comprehension and math computation.  There were some negative remarks on her report card but they mostly had to do with her attitude.  Her final report card was good, as far as I was concerned.  She passed to the third grade and I was thankful.  They did mention that she needed to work on reading and math over the summer.  The resource teacher provided a packet of worksheets for her to work on.  Dan's sister is a kindergarten teacher in the public school system.  Since our kids usually spent most of their summers with her, she agreed to work with Amelia on her reading skills and to help her complete the summer work that the school assigned.

That summer went well.  Her aunt worked with her ALL SUMMER LONG and by the time school started, Amelia's reading level was exactly where it needed to be for beginning third grade.  Her first quarter grades were terrific..all A's and B's.  However, it wasn't long before her behavior began to take a dive...again.  When the third grade teacher worked with her one on one, she did fine, but again, she was struggling within the classroom setting.  She couldn't sit still.  She fidgeted with anything and everything.  The teacher tried moving her all over the classroom in hopes of finding her a "spot" that worked.  She was becoming more and more of a distraction for the other students.


Tune in tomorrow for When a child is hurting, Part 3!

You can read Part 1 by clicking here!

When a child is hurting, Part 1

What do you do when one of your children is hurting?  I don't mean the kind of hurt that can be fixed by a band aid or some ointment.  I mean the kind of hurt that is deep inside.  The kind of hurt that a parent can't fix.  No amount of kissing, hugging or rocking can fix this.  One of my babies is in deep trouble and I don't know how to help her.

It's not often that I feel helpless as a parent.  I'm 48 years old.  I'm an adult.  I'm supposed to know what to do when it comes to my kids.  This time, I don't.  Dan and I have tried everything we know to try.  We are at a loss for what to do next.  Frustration has set in. 

Some background....

My middle child is 9 years old.  She is in the 3rd grade.  She attended PreK4 and Kindergarten at our parish school.  She did very well.  Just before she began first grade, we decided that we would homeschool our kids.  Although it was a life long desire of mine to homeschool our kids, our decision to finally make the leap was a financial one.  We just couldn't swing the tuition for our 3 kids without a little help from Dan's parents and we were tired (and prideful) of being so needy.  Sending them to a public school was just NOT an option for us....thus our decision to homeschool.

All three of our kids did well that year.  We used a Catholic homeschooling curriculum called Catholic Heritage Curricula.  I loved it!  Every subject integrated our Catholic faith!  Amelia finished her first grade materials easily.  The only issue I saw was that she struggled with reading.  She had a tendency (still does) to jump ahead of herself and read a word or thought that isn't there...yet.  She was always in such a hurry to get through her reading that it seemed she just didn't want to take the time to sound out a word.  She would just guess.

We had a ball that year!  We took our first family vacation EVER to Tennessee...right when our parish school had just begun the year!  This was so freeing!  We went on lots of field trips...to the zoo, the alligator farm, our local arboretum and lots of parks!  We played and worked at our own pace.  Sometimes we stuck to a strict schedule and sometimes....we just played it all by ear!

Certainly we had days where it was a struggle to stay on task, but for the most part, everyone was agreeable and happy.  Occasionally, one of them would have a melt down, or would just refuse to be productive.  The beauty of the homeschooling lifestyle was the fact that it was OK to skip a day or two....to just chill out!  We weren't following the school's rules...we didn't have to get through certain things on a certain day.  We got it done when we got it done.  And guess what? It all got done!  We survived!  As a matter of fact, my kids thrived and so did I.  It was a year I will never forget.

The decision to return to our parish school the next year was not an easy one.  I wouldn't say that the decision was mutual, between my husband and I, but it was necessary for one of us to compromise.  Since both Dan and I work part time, we had to "tag-team" during the week for the "teacher" responsibilities.  My husband is an elementary school teacher, but he found it difficult to teach his own children.  After much discussion and prayer, it was decided the kids would return to our parish school the next year.

This is where the story gets interesting....and heartbreaking.  Stay tuned for "When a child is hurting, Part 2".