Duh!

I now know why God made women more fertile in their early years and less fertile in their later years! I'm pretty sure that when raising your kids, it's a whole lot easier to deal with a 9, 5 and 4 year old when you are closer to your 30's than closer to your 50's (like me)! This makes logical sense, but I didn't see it until now!

For instance, this morning was one of those mornings! No one wanted to get up...nobody wanted to eat breakfast and NO ONE wanted to get dressed! As I was flying down the hallway to get someones clothes ready, I bumped into the CD/VHS/DVD shelf....and promptly knocked it over! Five minutes later, I've recovered enough to notice a line forming for the bathroom! I think it's funny how Nathan and Amelia have synchronized bladders! They have to go at the exact same moment! They are finally at an age where they really don't want company while they are trying to use the bathroom (I reached that age 2 kids ago)!

It's now 6:55am and the kids have to be out of the door at 7:15am at the latest! The bathroom is finally free and I'm heading that way! Once inside, I close the door (finally....some space), only to hear Nathan knock...he needs to brush his teeth! Finally, alone again! I start the water....to which I can hear arguing right outside my door! It seems no one can find Olivia's school shoes.
Husband/Dad, son and both daughters stand in the girls' room....look around (without actually moving their feet), don't see shoes.....give up. Olivia is crying and dad is yelling speaking in a loud voice! I open the door (half naked) to give a dirty look and ask what the problem is. Again, Olivia's shoes have disappeared! I'm told they aren't in the living room, bedroom or kitchen! They're lost! I sigh, grab my robe, march into Olivia's bedroom....walk over to the toy chest....look down....and then pick up missing shoes! They all say in unison..."Oh, there they are!"....as though any of them had actually looked for the shoes.

Once in the shower, Amelia comes in to say good-bye. She mumbles something to me, then runs out the door to catch her dad who is on his way to the car. On her way out, she turns off the light! I'm now showering in the dark!

I can't help but reminisce about the energy I once had....long, long ago. Before children, before marriage, before cancer and chemo. While reminiscing, I also realize how blessed I am to have the life I've been given! I think about how empty my life would be without this craziness!

It's been one of "those" weeks!

You know the kind.....the week that just won't end. The week that makes you wonder why you even bothered to leave the comfort of your bed at all! The kind of week that makes you just want to get into your car and drive......and keep driving until you are as far away as one person can get in the whole 20 minutes that you actually get to yourself!

Interested in my pity party? No? Well, I'm inviting you anyway.....

1. My friend Robbi died of ALS on Wednesday. I can't believe how sad I am. The disease began to manifest itself in February of this year. She suffered a bout with the flu but was not able to shake the fatigue. By April, she was having speech and balance problems. They had given her a preliminary diagnosis of Guillain Barre Syndrome. She had a spinal tap and they discovered through analysis of spinal fluid that she did NOT have Guillain Barre. They thought she might be suffering from a malignant brain tumor.....Cat Scan was clear. As time went on, they came to the conclusion it was ALS...mostly by a process of elimination. She was positively diagnosed on June 18. She deteriorated quickly but was still quick witted and sassy until about an hour before her death. Her mother and brother were with her when she died. Thankfully, I was able to talk with her on her birthday (July 31). A year ago, I thought cancer was the worst thing that a person could be diagnosed with. I was wrong.

2. Sometime in the early morning hours on Tuesday, Olivia woke up with an earache. To make a long story short....she had a raging ear infection! As a matter of fact, the pediatrician noted several blisters on her eardrum. Sigh.....more antibiotics.

3. Sometimes, I hate Facebook. In the last month, I've been in 4 very heated political "discussions" with people that I thought I respected and who I thought respected me. Apparently, the divisions that exist in this country now are just too wide to compromise. While I attacked the issues and called people on the carpet, these people personally attacked me. I am an "angry person who thinks I'm better than anyone else. I also can't seem to show any compassion when someone is at their hour of need". Ordinarily, things like those don't bother me....but they did this time. I feel so bad that I come across this way sometimes. I truly don't mean to. I think sometimes I just get caught up in the emotion of it all and I can't seem to find that thin line between anger and passion.

4. Bank of America just called tonight. There has been "suspicious" activity on Dan's Visa Debit Card. After much research, yes....someone was very busy in HARRISBURG, PA spending almost $1000 of our money at the local Kmart. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH PEOPLE?? Luckily, this issue has been resolved....although Dan needs a knew Debit card now. Do these people have consciences?

5. My good friend in California was in a car wreck. She is ok but there is almost $5000 damage done to her car. There is a lot going on in her life right now...she doesn't need this.

6. I am a total failure as a mother....lately. One of my kids (Her name begins with an "A") is having some behavioral problems right now and I think I'm just making things worse. I've got to find another way with her because what I'm doing now just isn't working for either of us.

7. The laundry is beyond out of control. I keep thinking that if I just ignore it, it will go away. I managed to wash one load yesterday...and then promptly forgot about it. Therefore, I need to re-wash them. If I had just done it right the first time......

I could go on and on. Ok, pity party is over now. Tomorrow, I will try to amend this seemingly "sympathy seeking" post with one about all of the blessings God has given me!

Thanks ladies!

Just wanted to thank all the ladies who commented on my "Swing of Things" post below! As I read it over today, I realize that my mind was much more ambitious than my body! As of today (March 18th, 2009 at 5:55pm), I have done exactly ZERO of the things on the list!

I have basically been sitting around the house (more or less) since August of last year recuperating from either chemotherapy or surgery. Apparently, one of the things that goes down along with my hemoglobin level is my motivation....and physical ability. It has been hard to take it easy and allow myself to heal. I guess a part of me wants to pretend none of this has happened and just go on with life as it was on July 6, 2008. However, the world did not end on that day and July 7th and 8th did happen!

Since my diagnosis, it truly has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and feelings that has thrown me completely off balance several times. All I can do at this point is say "uncle".

Thankfully, God's grace has been evident in everything! It's all around me! Lent is a very appropriate time to contemplate the "desert" experiences that I've had over the last several months. There have been times when I just couldn't pray. God has poured out His grace on me even then...in my desert.

Can I just be honest with you right now??? Cancer S.U.C.K.S.!!! It tears your body apart and forces you to do things to yourself that sound like a science fiction movie plot. I want this to be behind me. I want to be about the tedious and mundane things of life that make sense to me....laundry, dishes, checking homework, grocery shopping, complaining about crappy drivers and just living life without constantly wondering if "the cancer is back" whenever I feel the slightest ache or pain. I want to wake up and have it all be a terrible nightmare. I want to wake up and say, "phew...I'm glad that was just a dream"! I want to look into a mirror and see my body whole again....staring back at me with all the parts I was born with. It's not fair that I have to live my life from PET scan to PET scan! This whole thing reminds me of Pigpen from Peanuts....that darn cloud of dust just follows him everywhere!

Well, anyway...I am thankful for those ladies that commented! If I'm ever going to get beyond this point...I'm going to have to rearrange my priorities. If God allows me to still be on this earth 20 years from now or 20 months from now.....it's going to be way more important to have spent time with my husband and children than mopping the dining room floor! I've always known this...but this week it took some very special and loving ladies to remind me!

Thanks again ladies!

This and That

• Last night was the final night of our Lenten Parish Mission. This was probably one of the very best Mission's that I've been able to attend. Fr. Kevin from the Apostolate for Family Consecration was an excellent speaker and I truly believe that the Holy Spirit was in cahoots with Fr. Kevin to make sure I was there every night!
• A funny thing happened during the closing mass last night.....there was a family with two small boys sitting behind us. The boys behaved VERY WELL all through mass. At the end, right before the final blessing....when the church is at it's quietest...the youngest boy sneezed...after which he stated loudly..."Look, no boogies mom"! Well, it was very hard to contain myself! I started laughing (quietly, of course), but, I couldn't stop! It was not a very prayerful ending to a very spiritually uplifting mass! The kid in me still lives!
• I saw my OB/GYN yesterday morning for my two week surgical follow up! He says I'm healing well! My hemoglobin is still at the level I was two weeks ago...but...he said he will check it again in another 3 weeks. He doesn't want me to go back to work before my 6 weeks is up. I'm still not to lift more than 10 lbs. I only have pain when I've been standing too long. It also seems to really be painful when I'm kneeling at church. Whatever muscles you use to kneel are apparently connected in some way to my lower abdominal muscles. Does this count as a legitimate reason to sit instead of kneel?
• This morning, while doing my hour for the 40 Days for Life vigil in front of the Planned Parenthood....I was struck by the two women that PPH were using as escorts. These women actually think they are HELPING those that come for abortions! How is it that they can't see that what they are doing is actually harmful to the Body of Christ as a whole, as well as to that individual soul inside the womb of these mothers? How can they believe that murder for convenience is helping? These unborn babies are human beings...they are souls created by God. This is why God does not want sex outside of the marriage covenant. This is why in our marriage vows we promise to "accept children lovingly from God". Did you know that there are approximately 8,000 abortions performed in Jacksonville EVERY year! You can not tell me that 8,000 murders every year are due to rape, incest, or the health of the mother. Women are using abortion as a form of birth control! Does Planned Parenthood explain to these women that there is a link between abortion and breast cancer? Do these women understand that their fertility is a gift....that not everyone is even able to conceive? Do people realize that in those 8,000 murders...how many potential doctors, nurses, priests, humanitarians, lawyers, social workers, teachers, mothers, fathers, policemen/women that have been denied the right to life? It could be that we've just murdered a future president, pope, ambassador, or the person who would find the cure for cancer? Interestingly, here in Florida...I could go to jail for disturbing a turtle nest/eggs that I might come across on the beach.....however, I could kill as many babies as I want....and NEVER face a court of law. As a matter of fact, if I went to Planned Parenthood to do it...I would have an escort to help me get there! Do you see how backwards our society is? We value animals and birds more than we value human life. How this must just devastate Our Lord and Our Lady! May God have mercy on us all!

Pray for us!!

Instead of snacks and a video after school today.....I laid down the law!! Before one more toy of any kind enters this house for Christmas, there needs to be a toy purge...for all three of them. Nathan is not taking this well. He is just like his dad and doesn't, uh, let's just say....appreciate change! He has a hard time letting go of things. He has pitched a complete fit every time I suggest that he get rid of a particular item. The items that he just can't part with include...a few hundred broken happy meal toys, a bunny on wheels with a string for pulling that he got when he was born, a large doll house (that belongs to the girls!), giant Lego's for toddlers, various stuffed animals...and some things that I can't even tell what they are because of missing parts!!

The girls are doing much better. Together, they have already filled one garbage bag! They had a second one almost filled....but Nathan decided he wanted to keep half of what was in there. Sigh!!! I'm not sure how to handle this. I've told him that I'm giving him the chance to choose which toys are "outta here"....if he doesn't do it....them I'm going to choose for him. I think he is under the impression that I'm fooling with him! He is in for a rude awakening!

As I type...I can here Amelia screaming at Nathan because he has taken another item out of her throw away bag to keep for himself. Dan and I have had many conversations with our kids about the difference between wants and needs and our obligation to be as generous and giving to others as we can. I think part of the problem is his age (he's 8 and it's all about him!) and the fact that...unfortunately, we are a middle class family living in 2008 and they have not been exposed to those that are truly needy. We live paycheck to paycheck. We put very little into savings as there just isn't much left. However, our kids don't know what it's like to be in need of something and not be able to get it. Some would say that we have luxuries that others don't...and I would agree. We have two vehicles, but both of them have almost 200,000 miles on them. We do have cable (I refuse to give that up) and a computer (I even have a laptop). Dan and I also have cell phones (Dan's is for work and mine is a "pay as you go" type without a camera). Every stick of furniture in our house (except for our bed) has been given to us by very generous friends who were getting rid of things. I tell you all of this to say that there is plenty of examples around us of the generosity of other people towards us...and I just wish that my children were better about this. I don't want them grow up to be spoiled little brats that constantly have the "gimmies". Sigh....(yes, another sigh!). We also have given them many opportunities to be generous themselves with the various volunteer work that we do. Perhaps it is time to do more of this as a family...even if the girls are a little young. We'll have to pray more about what it is that God would have us do in this situation.

Well...just watch out because the day (which WILL be before Christmas) that I get into their rooms and start clearing things out......you will probably be able to hear the screaming from where you are!!!