Where's the peace?

Have you ever found yourself in the midst of chaos?  For about a year or so, my life has been in a state of chaos.  It's been mostly of the spiritual and mental kind, but the physical kind has reared it's ugly head on a number of occasions. 

I have suffered with panic/anxiety attacks for most of my life, but most recently, the way they manifest themselves has changed....less often....but more intense.  After some dietary changes that included some natural supplements that didn't do much to help, it was decided that a change in medication was definitely in order.  Honestly, I haven't noticed a difference.  As a matter of fact, where some places were almost always "safe" from the anxiety (church and work), I have begun to be struck even in those places!
It's frustrating and quite burdensome.  I mean, imagine being at Universal Studios....in front of thousands of people....feeling like I was having a heart attack!  After an hour or so in the first aid station....and a wheelchair ride back to the parking lot.....I was feeling better.  Embarrassed, but better.  Then, imagine attending a dear friend's funeral.  She and I were diagnosed with breast cancer around the same time.  I chose the traditional treatment route...she chose an alternative.  While I was too scared NOT to go the way of traditional chemo, she was very happy and very comfortable with her decision.  Her cancer recurred and spread.  I made it through the vigil and rosary just fine.  However, while watching her casket come down the aisle of the church....I lost it!  I suddenly couldn't breathe!  I felt a terrible urge to RUN!  I'm told it's a "fight or flight" response.  Whatever it was, I left the church with cold, clammy hands....my heart beating so fast I thought it would pop out of my chest and nausea.  I almost drove myself to the E.R.....seriously.  Instead, I skipped the funeral reception and went straight home....to bed!

The chaos is not limited to my anxiety attacks.  It also lives in the twenty thousand hoops I'm having to jump through with my kids back in school....it lives in the 5 days of work I must do in 3 days (at my place of employment) and still keep up....it lives in the endless money struggles that force me to use coupons and keep them organized....it lives in the laundry piles and the moldy grout in my bathroom.  It lives in the undone crafts and seasonal/liturgical activities that look so good on paper but we never seem to be able to find the time to do.  It lives in the constant worry of the cancer returning, helping to complete homework, giving my husband the time and intimacy that he deserves.

Where is the peace?  Does it even exist?

Spiritually, I have felt uneasy for quite some time.  On top of everything else, sin can add it's own chaos.  As a result, I've avoided the confessional.  I thought that by not thinking about or addressing my transgressions, it would save me additional stress.  Ha ha, God is so funny!

Saturday, I was at my wits end.  After suffering a horrible anxiety attack while DRIVING ON THE FREEWAY, I decided that enough was enough!  I am done with this!  Done, I tell ya!

I got up yesterday with a purpose!  Since Nathan was serving mass, we had to be there early.  I took the opportunity to go to confession.  I didn't really feel like dealing with it, but I knew that I could not go another day!  I felt that if I spent too much time doing an examination of conscience, I'd walk right out the door.  So, I got on my knees and asked the Holy Spirit to bring to mind everything that needed to be confessed.  I held my breath...and went in.  I told him everything!  I told him about my short temper with my kids and my husband.  I told him about my judgemental tendencies, I told him about my recent despair.  He listened and smiled....and reminded me that I am not alone!  He reminded me that God is in the chaos!  He is there in my fear and anxiety.  He is there in the midst of my laundry and moldy grout.  He see me when I'm overwhelmed with household duties and work commitments.  Father also lovingly reminded me that if I have been feeling distant from God...it was not because God had moved away from me.  On the contrary, it was I that had moved away from Him.

Ouch!

Wanna know what I found in that confessional?  The peace I had been searching for.  Father kindly reminded me of the blessing of Perpetual Adoration that our parish offers!  Imagine that!  Jesus is there for me...Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity...24 hours a day, 7 days a week and I seldom find any extra time to visit.  He gave me some wonderful advice!  He said, "Nancy, go sit with Our Lord.  I don't want you to say anything.  Don't even worry about praying.  Just sit.  Be with Him."  And you know what...I did!

Today, I left 10 minutes early to pick up the kids from school.  Instead of getting in the maddening car line that haunts me....I parked the car and went into the Adoration Chapel.  I had about 15 minutes of quiet solitude.  I tried not to thing about anything and just keep my mind and heart clear and open to whatever God wanted to do.  A few times, my mind wandered to the things I needed to get done (costumes for Nathan's choir program on Thursday and the meatloaf I was making for dinner)....but when I realized it...I would stop and clear my mind again.



Dan came home to a peaceful house, a more calm wife and happier kids.  Before bed, we said a decade of the rosary and then watched a short movie.

Things aren't perfect.  When I walked into the girls' room to tuck them in.....I was greeted by dress up clothes all over the floor and the box of crayons spread out across the room.  I let it go....even though I broke the yellow-green one on the way out.  So their room is a mess....big deal!  It will get cleaned up and messed up at least another 2000 times before they move out!  Someday, they'll have kids of their own and be frustrated just like I am. 

For now, I'm just pleased as punch to have some peace back into my life.  I don't know how long it will last, but I know where to go to get filled back up again!

Coincidence???? I think not!

A funny thing happened to me today. I'm pretty sure that God orchestrated it all. Every day I'm more and more convinced that He is interested in everything about us....in every detail! Consider this....

This morning, I woke up in what I would call an "off" mood. I was in no rush to get dressed for work. My usual hours are 8am to 430pm but I was dragging. By 7:48am, I still wasn't walking out the door! I was feeling a certain spiritual heaviness that I couldn't really put my finger on. Driving to work, I started counting the days weeks months since I'd been to confession. I'm embarrassed to say, but I haven't been since right before Nathan's First Communion (May 9th)!
So, I talked to God as I drove and went over all the things I could think of that I needed to confess. If I do this, I have an easier time remembering everything I need to remember when I finally do get into that confessional.

As I reflected, I realized that I'm always confessing the same thing. Pride is the root sin for me. Everything else comes from that. It's frustrating, really. I just can't seem to move past this issue. When I got to my desk, for some reason I started searching through my files for the Litany of Humility that I used to have taped to my computer so that I could read it daily. When our office moved last year....I never put it back up. For some reason, I felt like I had to find it RIGHT AWAY! It was lost forever so I printed off another one. Phew! After reading it (and praying it) a few times, I felt better. I must say though....it seems almost impossible to achieve any of those things unless you're living in a cloistered monastery....but I digress!
I finally got settled into my desk and thought I might catch the last of the EWTN mass. To my surprise, I was just in time for the homily!

Do you have any idea what the homily was about????? Do ya, do ya?????? Humility! Guess what Father read as part of his homily.......THE LITANY OF HUMILITY! Don't you think that's amazing? It's as though this homily was just for me!

Now, one would think after an experience like that, I would get.to.confession.quick!!! Well, I could have gone to another church across town at lunchtime, but, I chose to listen to a Rosary CD instead. I will go Sunday before mass.

There is one part of the Litany that has convicted me the most.......from the fear of being forgotten....deliver me, Jesus. I think there's a reason for that.

****Stay tuned for "Coincidence????? I think not! Part 2*******

First Confession!

Yesterday was a great day! Nathan woke up very excited about making his First Confession. He didn't seem nervous or anxious at all (he left that to his mother who was nervous enough for all of us)! He picked out dress slacks and a white shirt......and insisted that he wear a tie. He looked very "smart" all dressed up. Here is a picture of Nathan and his 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Bradley, right before the program started.

The parents met in the church for an hour with Fr. Fred before it started. He gave a terrific talk about the what confession was like in the early church and the reasons for some of the changes over the years. He also talked a great deal about how we (as parents) behave and react to confession will have a direct correlation to how they behave and react. Dan and I have always tried to be positive about the need for confession and how important it is for our spiritual growth....but, up until now, the kids have really been too young to even understand what it means. We are also lacking in our enthusiasm for going on a more regular basis. I'm sure that Nathan will be instrumental in changing this as soon as he can! He's already asked me at least 100 times...."when was the last time you went mom?"

Nathan seemed to do fine right before he went in....never mind the girl right before him who came out, knelt down (I guess to begin her penance) and promptly threw up on the pew in front of her! Poor girl! I thought Nathan's eyes were going to pop out of his head when he saw her. Luckily, his teacher motioned him into the confessional before he could proceed with any "sympathy vomiting".

He was grinning ear to ear when he came out! Later, he said he felt like skipping out of there! It was very exciting! I didn't get any "all graced up" pictures of him right after confession, but, here is one from his basketball game which started about 20 minutes later.

Here are some other random shots of our weekend! We decorated our tree and put together a pre-made gingerbread house. I, on the other hand, have spent a lot of time on the couch with horrible bone pain (hips and pelvis mostly). Hopefully, I'll be feeling a little better this week and can get to the rest of the things on my list.

Happy St. Nicholas Day!

This was certainly not the week I had planned. Although I knew that I would be out of commission because of the chemo, I hadn't anticipated Amelia getting the stomach flu or Nathan ending up with a pretty serious cold. There are extra MD appts during chemo weeks and just more time management involved. There was just no way to get everything done and in some ways, I think this has been a good thing. For one thing, instead of the St. Nicholas Party that we had planned, we have focused more on Nathan's First Confession that happens tomorrow morning. I can tell that he is slightly anxious (weren't we all) about it and so the extra time talking about it has helped him.

Still, tonight as a family, we watched the St. Nicholas movie and talked about who he was and what his mission was. Once everyone was in bed (and asleep), I crawled out of my fetal position and got their treats ready. All three of them set out their shoes in front of the fireplace tonight.

Their St. Nicholas treats are usually very simple....new Christmas pj's and some chocolate coins. This year, I added some St. Nicholas Holy Cards and a Children's Brown Scapular.

Let me just take a moment to mention the "fake" log (duraflame box) over there on the right. First of all....this is FLORIDA! It might be December 5th and wintry to some of you out there in blogging land, however, it is currently 60 degrees here at this very moment!!! In order to start the fire, Dan had to lower the air conditioner so that we all didn't sweat to death! Here are some other photos:
Olivia got the snowman pajamas. She'll be so excited when she sees them!

Amelia got penguins (***I stand corrected...these apparently are "MONKEYS" and I must be blind!) this year...and unfortunately, Nathan got the short end of the stick!! It appears at this one particular large supermarket...they don't really carry "Christmas" PJ's for boys by the time they reach size 8. I knew I should have tried Target, but, Walmart is closer. So, he ended up with blue and green plaid pj bottoms and I just bought him a matching shirt.

It wasn't until I was getting the pictures ready for this post that I noticed a white piece of paper to the upper left of their shoes on the hearth. When I pulled it closer, I saw this drawing. Nathan has drawn the Nativity. When I opened the card....I saw this note:

It's probably a little hard to read, but his note says, "St. Nicolis, give this moeny to people who need it. love Nathan." To the right of the photo, there is about $2.00 in change that he had obviously taken out of his wallet and put inside the card. Dan and I just sat in amazement that he had done this. It seems that sometimes, he can be very self-centered and spoiled...so much so that I wonder what it is that I am doing wrong to have such a selfish child. And then, he can do things like this that totally blow my mind!

I think the day really wasn't a bust after all! Even through the routine of a typical post chemo day for me, God still brings blessings to our family. Tonight he brought it in the form of a special 8 year old boy who really does have a heart for God and others, even if it stays hidden a lot of the time.

Tomorrow we have Nathan's First Confession and his first basketball game.....it will be busy and I will be doing my best to keep up...but, I will be one proud mom!!

There you have it!

Conversation at breakfast this morning....

Nathan: Mom, please tell Amelia to be quiet!

Mom: Amelia, please be quiet...you appear to be annoying your brother!

5 minutes later...

Nathan: Mom, she's doing it again!

Mom: What is she actually doing that is bugging you so badly?

Nathan: She's telling me all the things I need to tell Fr. Fred at my first confession on Saturday.

Mom: Oh...keep going Amelia! Nathan, shouldn't you be writing these down??