Friday Update

Hello everyone!

It's been the "week from hell" here at our house!  I'm still waiting  for the doctor's office to call to schedule my scan!  Yes, that's correct...I'm still waiting!  Dan and I have decided that the reason for this could be that either my oncologist doesn't really think this is that serious, OR, he thinks it's very serious and has therefore written me off!  Either way, I am going to call the office everyday.single.day until they schedule it.

In other news, all THREE of my children have brought LICE home from school this week!  I have gone from being disgusted, freaked out and grossed out.....to tired, tired and more tired....and now, BROKE!  The treatments for the five of us were over $120.  That does not include all the laundry and the new hair brushes.  We've also tried some home remedies....like Listerine and vinegar.  Things were better yesterday, but we're still fighting it with our youngest.  Her hair was very long...almost down to her bum.  Those little nits were hiding everywhere.  We've treated her several times.  We also cut her hair to shoulder length.  Hopefully today, I won't see anything in her head!

Let me just say, that I think there is nothing worse than having to deal with lice.  It wouldn't be so bad if all you had to deal with was their heads!  It's all the peripheral stuff that just about makes you lose your mind.  I'm telling you, I will cry if I have to go through this again.

More news to come!

Have a wonderful Friday!!

Blog name.

I've been kicking around the idea of changing my blog name.  Originally, I picked this name because I wanted to go through my cancer treatment with courage and I never wanted to forget the words of Pope John Paul II:

“I plead with you--never, ever give up on hope, never doubt, never tire, and never become discouraged. Be not afraid.”

"Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence."

It all sounds good, doesn't it?  But, here's the truth......I'm a fraud!  Yes, there it is.  I am afraid....very afraid.  Clearly, I'm not a very faithful Catholic.  I talk a good game, but in reality, I'm a wimp. 

Anyway, I'm still thinking of a good name for this blog...it needs a change.  Here are some of the ideas I  have been thinking about.  Let me know what you think.  In the meantime, I've changed my blog description to more accurately portray who I am..at least in my own eyes.

"Yeah, right"!

"Be Afraid.  Be Very Afraid"

"Cancer Sucks"

"Why Me?"

"Blessed Are The Frightened, For They Shall Sweat Profusely"

"The Uniboob Lady"

OK...so most of those are "tongue in cheek", but you get the idea.  I feel so weak and vulnerable right now.   Whenever I sign into Blogger to compose a post, I'm stopped dead in my tracks when I see those words "Be Not Afraid".  I truly don't WANT to be afraid, but I am.  I'm afraid of the unknown.  I'm afraid of dying.  I'm afraid that if I do, my children won't remember me as they grow.  I'm afraid of becoming a foggy memory to them.  I'm afraid of not being brave.  I'm afraid of never accepting what might be happening....of living in denial.

So, I've asked myself, "What is the worst thing that could happen?"  Wrong question to ask myself!  I came up with a bunch of stuff!  I guess my worst fear is that after I have the Cat Scan...that they'll find that the scan lights up like a Christmas tree and that there is cancer everywhere...and then they decide that I'm too far gone for treatment and I should just go home to die! 

Can you say, drama?

I know intellectually that this is silly.  I do, I swear!  But emotionally, it's just where I am. 

Seriously though, I'm taking suggestions for a new blog title!  Winner gets my "undying" (LOL) gratitude!

Sleep

I haven't been sleeping well lately.  I think I'm just too keyed up.  I still haven't heard anything from my oncologists office yet.  It seems, at night when I'm alone with my thoughts, my mind concentrates on this whole issue and I get very anxious. 

I do have a prescription for an anti anxiety medication, but I rarely take it.  I save them for when I'm having a real, genuine panic attack.  Thankfully, those don't happen that often so one prescription of 30 pills last me eight or nine months!

Several years ago, I was given a prescription for a sleep aid...Ambien.  I NEVER take these!  I'm always afraid that I won't wake up or that my kids will need me in the middle of the night and I won't be "with it" enough to take care of them.  But lately, I'm just not sleeping...at all.  I think I slept for about 3 hours total last night.  I can't function with many more days like that.

So tonight, I went searching the medicine cabinet for my bottle of Ambien.  It was originally prescribed for insomnia related to the steroids I had to take during chemotherapy.  According to the bottle, the prescription expired in 2010.  The last time I took one was in May of 2011...on the long flight over the ocean to Rome (and back).  It seemed to work pretty well and I felt better with the 6 hour time change.

Tomorrow is my day off, so I figured that if I took a pill tonight, I can sleep off the Ambien hangover and not have to worry.  So, when we got home from school tonight (it's "Back to School Night"), I changed my clothes, made sure all the backpacks were loaded with homework and soccer stuff.  Rushed everybody off to bed, took my pill and went to bed.  That was at 8:45pm.  It's now 9:31pm and I'm still wide awake!  Perhaps the pills have lost some potency since they expired almost two years ago.  I suppose I should ask to have it refilled.

All I wanted was some good rest tonight!  Some good, sound, restful sleep.  Something that could put my mind at rest too. It seems like it's been so long since I've awakened refreshed and feeling good.

All I want is the results of my latest lab tests, darn it!  That's all!  I need to know because I'm tired of worrying about it.  Dear Lord, please let the nurse call tomorrow with good news and in the meantime, can you allow this sleeping pill to do it's job.....like soon!  Thank you and Amen!


P.S.  I just finished editing this post and doing a spell check on it.....it's 9:45pm...I'm still awake.  Sigh.  I clearly need an updated prescription.  I guess I'll put that on the list of things to do tomorrow!

Sweet Dreams everyone, sweat dreams!

The hardest part

Why is waiting the hardest part?  I know that I've grown up in a generation of people in a hurry!  I know this because I have felt myself becoming more and more impatient about even little things.  For instance, the ATM machine at our bank takes forever to spit out a receipt!  You don't believe me?  Well, I timed it the other day....a full 17 seconds before it even began to print...and another 3 seconds to print (give or take)!  Can you believe that!  I had to wait 20 SECONDS for my receipt to print!  Now, in my defense, there was a strange looking man standing behind me and he made me nervous enough to want to get the heck out of there....quickly!  Still, was I in such a hurry that I was tapping my foot at 20 seconds?  Yes, I know....

I'm not good at waiting.  Not at all.

This is why I'm having such a hard time waiting for the results of my most recent lab tests.  I don't know why I'm in a hurry, really.  If it's bad news, why would I be in a hurry to hear that?  If it's good news, then all the worrying I've done has been for naught and all those that have kept a positive attitude over these past few days will just say, "See, I told you so"!  Nobody really wants to hear that, now do we?

The waiting IS the hardest part!  The wondering.  The scenarios that I conjure up in my mind are endless at a time like this.  Some of my day dreams have me imagining what my funeral will be like.  Some of them have me becoming a spokesperson for cancer research.....and some of them have me waking up from a nightmare and having this whole mess be just a figment of my imagination.

Whatever the lab tests tell me, whatever the scans tell me, it doesn't really matter.  I will deal with whatever it is.  If it's more cancer, then we'll go at it with gusto.  If it's not cancer, but something else, then we'll fight that too.  It it's nothing...then I will move right along until the next health scare (and I know there will be more!) and live life to it's fullest!

Hopefully, I will hear from Dr. Marks tomorrow.  Hopefully, it's good news!  Hopefully I will take Nathan to Cross Country, help with homework, fix dinner, get everybody in the bathtub and in bed and take a deep breath and know that I'm still here, I'm still living and I'm still surviving!

It's all worth fighting for!