Sunday, September 9, 2012

The hardest part

Why is waiting the hardest part?  I know that I've grown up in a generation of people in a hurry!  I know this because I have felt myself becoming more and more impatient about even little things.  For instance, the ATM machine at our bank takes forever to spit out a receipt!  You don't believe me?  Well, I timed it the other day....a full 17 seconds before it even began to print...and another 3 seconds to print (give or take)!  Can you believe that!  I had to wait 20 SECONDS for my receipt to print!  Now, in my defense, there was a strange looking man standing behind me and he made me nervous enough to want to get the heck out of there....quickly!  Still, was I in such a hurry that I was tapping my foot at 20 seconds?  Yes, I know....

I'm not good at waiting.  Not at all.

This is why I'm having such a hard time waiting for the results of my most recent lab tests.  I don't know why I'm in a hurry, really.  If it's bad news, why would I be in a hurry to hear that?  If it's good news, then all the worrying I've done has been for naught and all those that have kept a positive attitude over these past few days will just say, "See, I told you so"!  Nobody really wants to hear that, now do we?

The waiting IS the hardest part!  The wondering.  The scenarios that I conjure up in my mind are endless at a time like this.  Some of my day dreams have me imagining what my funeral will be like.  Some of them have me becoming a spokesperson for cancer research.....and some of them have me waking up from a nightmare and having this whole mess be just a figment of my imagination.

Whatever the lab tests tell me, whatever the scans tell me, it doesn't really matter.  I will deal with whatever it is.  If it's more cancer, then we'll go at it with gusto.  If it's not cancer, but something else, then we'll fight that too.  It it's nothing...then I will move right along until the next health scare (and I know there will be more!) and live life to it's fullest!

Hopefully, I will hear from Dr. Marks tomorrow.  Hopefully, it's good news!  Hopefully I will take Nathan to Cross Country, help with homework, fix dinner, get everybody in the bathtub and in bed and take a deep breath and know that I'm still here, I'm still living and I'm still surviving!

It's all worth fighting for!

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