My Dad!

My dad died on Flag Day (June 14th) 1982.....31 years ago!  I was 17 at the time.  A junior in high school.

I remember him like it was yesterday.  Sometimes when I'm in a large crowd, I think I hear his voice.

I used to dream about him a lot, in the early days after his death.  I would usually wake up crying.  Very weird feeling.

He visited me on my wedding day....while I was alone in the bride's room waiting to walk down the aisle.  I was standing there, so nervous I thought I would faint!  The florist had prepared some flowers for my hair, but the piece was too big.  I was standing there wondering what everyone would think because I wasn't wearing a veil or any flowers in my hair.  All of a sudden, I felt a tremendous warmth envelop me.  In an instant, I knew!  My dad was there, in that room, hugging me, loving me, telling me how proud he was of me, telling me he approved of this man I would vow to be with forever.  I knew in the depth of my soul that my dad was with me that day.  I cried.  I talked to him.  I told him I loved him....I thanked him for this gift he was giving me.

I think I might have floated down that aisle!  I've not felt his presence like that since that day, almost 16 years ago. 

I love him and miss him every bit as much now as I did on June 14, 1982.  The pain never leaves you...not really.  You learn to keep it up on a shelf...out of the way.  But it's always there. 

There is a song, by Bread called "Everything I Own".  The emotion that comes when I hear this song is stifling....but I used to pretend that I was singing that song to my dad.  It's funny because, it's my understanding that David Gates actually wrote the song for his father.

You sheltered me from harm.

Kept me warm, kept me warm

You gave my life to me

Set me free, Set me free

The finest years I ever knew

were all the years I had with you

I would give anything I own,

Give up my life, my heart, my home.

I would give everything I own,

just to have you back again.

You taught me how to love,

What it's all, what it's all.

You never said too much,

but still you showed the way,

and I knew from watching you.

Nobody else could ever know

the part of me that can't let go.

I would give anything I own,

Give up my life, my heart, my home.

I would give everything I own

Just to have you back again.

Is there someone you know,

you're loving them so,

but taking them all for granted.

You may lose them one day,

someone takes them away,

and they don't hear the words you long to say

I would give anything I own,

Give up my life, my heart, my home.

I would give everything I own

Just to have you back again.

Just to touch you once again

Happy Father's Day, Daddy!  I love you and miss you so much.  Someday, we will be together again.

Tropical Storm Andrea

Living in Florida has it's benefits but I can tell you that Hurricane Season is NOT one of them.  The season lasts from June 1st through November 30th.  During that time, I spend an extraordinary amount of time watching weather reports.  I'm hooked on Accuweather, Weatherunderground,  and of course, the National Hurricane Center.

Every year there is at least one storm projected to come right for us.  Thankfully, most of them swerve out to sea and don't bother anybody.  Once in a blue moon, a storm is forecast to hit the east coast of Florida and panic sets in!  Roads are clogged with evacuations, shelters are open and Jim Cantore from the Weather Channel shows up at Jacksonville Beach (this is never a good sign)!

The last time a hurricane came close enough to cause a bunch of chaos was Hurricane Floyd in 1999.  One year, I think it was 2004, we had several give us a hard time (Bonny, Charley, Frances and Gaston).  Since then, we've been "brushed" a few times but more recently, we've had a direct hit by tropical storms.  I consider tropical storms to be mini hurricanes.  The only difference is the wind speed.  Last year was Tropical Storm Beryl.  We lost power with that one, although, if a semi drives by my house really fast we lose power!

At the end of last week, we had Tropical Storm Andrea pay us a visit!  She was the first named storm of the season.  To tell you the truth, I didn't pay much attention this time.  They weren't forecasting a particularly gnarly wind storm, just lots of rain.  I wasn't even alarmed when I saw this image on our local weather radar:

I even shared this photo on Facebook and made the comment that I thought it looked like a comma!  I still wasn't worried.  They weren't going to open any shelters and there were no businesses or schools closing.  Again, I didn't think much of it.

The night it was supposed to cross right over Jacksonville, it rained off and on.  If it was windy outside, I didn't hear it and our power stayed on the whole time.  Dan and the girls went to bed at their normal times.  Nathan and I stayed up late watching a movie.  At one point, we heard a loud noise outside.  It sounded like a transformer had blown.  We both went to the front door to check it out.  We even went outside.  Nothing.  There wasn't even any noticeable wind.

So, imagine my surprise when I went to get in the car to go to work the next morning and saw this:

Great!  Just what we needed.  The huge branch was lying by the side of the car.  I guess this was the sound that we had heard the night before. Crap.

The car insurance does not cover side windows or the back windshield.  What???  How was that allowed to become a rule?   We called around and can have the window replaced for about $460.  Our deductible was $500 so either way, we would have had to pay for it ourselves. 

As we were cleaning up the glass and tree fragments, we noticed something else....take a closer look:

The tip of the branch hit directly on the window frame. It is noticeably bent.  If it had hit a few inches down, it would have just been a nice dent in the trunk.  If we have the glass replaced without fixing the frame, the new window will leak...probably into the trunk.  This would be awful!  Imagine the mold and mildew that would grow!  Ick!

So now, we are checking with the homeowners insurance because to have the frame replaced will be an extra expense and probably take it significantly over the $500 mark.  Sigh.

So now we are down to one vehicle (again).  They can't fix the window until at least Wednesday.  This means Dan has to take me to work...take the kids to camp, and then go to work himself...just to do it all over again in the opposite direction to pick everybody up.

So you see, my friends, there are some definite drawbacks to living in Florida!  The weather is not the only thing on my list of reasons why I don't like living in Florida....but it's in the top 5!

Carpe Kairos

Do you ever feel as though time is just zooming by?  Sometimes, I do.  Sometimes, I feel as though I just want to get off of this roller coaster ride of life.  Sometimes, I just want to stop and smell the roses, but I either don't have time or if I do have time, I'm too flipping tired!

I read a really wonderful post today from Glennon at Momastery.  She uses the analogy of climbing Mt. Everest to parenting children.  Oh my, this SO hits the nail on the head.

I highly recommend reading her blog post!  I feel like I can breathe again.  Thank you, Glennon!

Click HERE to read it.  Enjoy your weekend!

Some answers.

We finally have some answers.  I feel relieved and overwhelmed at the same time.

Dan and I met with the neuro-psychologist yesterday morning.  I was sick to my stomach for several hours beforehand.  I think it was the culmination of all that's happened this year and I was so on edge I thought I might burst!  It was truly an effort to keep it together.

They tested Amelia for a number of things....Intellectual Functioning, Verbal/Linguistic Abilities, Visual Perceptual Functioning, Attention/Impulse Control/Executive Functioning, Sensorimotor Domain, Memory Domain, and Social Perception.  She used terms like NEPSY II, BASC2, and WISC IV.  All very confusing and overwhelming.

Thankfully, Dr. J. explained everything and I think we have a grasp of what we're dealing with.  She listed 4 main issues that she has diagnosed her with.  They are:  Reading Disorder, Cognitive Disorder, Mood Disorder and Disruptive Behavior Disorder.

She went into detail about each one and explained exactly where her weaknesses are.  I had never heard the term "executive functioning" before.  She told us that difficulties with executive functioning can present in children as problems with impulse control, organization of time and materials, emotional modulation, and task completion.  These are exactly what she's struggled with all year long!  She also said that in a lot of cases, these type of kids are monitored constantly, told to stop doing things  or to go and do other things.  As a matter of fact, she said that Amelia may try to do the right thing, but she's just unable to do so and this frustration is was leads to oppositionality.  Sometimes the social difficulties that she has can lead to her failing to notice things going on and so she misses the cues about how to behave and how not to behave, as well as acting before thinking which is something she does a lot!

When it came to her reading skills, she said that Amelia had some difficulties with verbal/language skills such as phonological awareness, lexical access and oral motor control.  Now honestly, I've never even heard the words phonological or lexical before, but she explained that basically, she has trouble reading some words but when those same words were read to her, she was immediately able to give the correct meaning.

So where do we go from here?  Well, the psychologist provided us with pages and pages of recommendations.  Some of them included things that I've thought should be provided to Amelia from the very beginning.  Sadly, the school/teachers have no clue how to handle a child like Amelia.  I am not a professional teacher...I am a mom and some of these recommendations are just COMMON SENSE things!  Why is it like getting an act of Congress for the school to get on board?  Here are some recommendations that she suggested:

• Long projects should be broken into chunks with time frames for completing each chunk.
• Ask Amelia to identify ways she would like to organize herself.
• This one cracked me up because I SUGGESTED THIS to her teacher a number of times...but I was IGNORED:  Amelia should have one notebook in which all assignments are recorded.  The teacher should be asked to check assignments at the end of each day to insure they were recorded properly and that the necessary materials to complete the assignments are packed in her book bag.  The teacher should insure that the due date for each assignment is written at the top of each page.  No, her teacher could not be bothered with this task.  I can't even tell you how many times Amelia came home without her homework written down.  It was infuriating sometimes.
• If needed, it can help if two copies of each textbook should be provided.  Wow, now that's rocket science!  If she forgot her book, we couldn't do her homework at all.  I'd have to call a friend to get her to take a picture of the page in the book and then text it to me!  How's that for resourcefulness?
• Fewer problems/questions on worksheets and/or creating boxes next to each question will allow Amelia to check it off as it is answered.
• Here's the kicker one for me:  It is perfectly reasonable and justified to give Amelia shorter class and homework assignments, just as it is reasonable to give superior students more tasks that are complicated.  I can't tell you how many times it was said to me, "Well, we can't treat her differently than any of the other students...her assignments have to be the same"....blah, blah, blah, blah.

At the end of the meeting, Dr. J. asked me about Amelia's teacher.  She said that she thought there might have been a "personality conflict" of some kind because she thought that her answers to the teachers portion of the questionnaire were particularly harsh.  I guess it just reflected her level of frustration with Amelia.  I certainly don't fault her teacher for being frustrated.  After all, I live with Amelia and I KNOW how frustrating she can be.  However, I do fault her (and the school) for not having a clue about to handle her.  That school has been in existence for 90 years!  You can't tell me that they have NEVER encountered a student like Amelia before.  For Pete's sake!

Anyway, I'd better end this post now because I am beginning to feel the heat of anger creeping up again and I want to LET THIS GO!  I can't live with the resentment that I've encountered over this.  I don't want it.  While I can't change what happened (or didn't happen) at school, I can change what happens at home.  Our attitude with Amelia can set the tone for an entire day.  We have to be more mindful of what we say to her and how we say it.  THAT is going to be my focus for the summer.  We will begin regular therapy sessions with Amelia on July 1st.  We will get a better handle on the medication situation and will work on a detailed plan for next year.   

Although it might not seem like it, I am relieved.  We know more now than we did before and we are on the right track.  I am so thankful for the friends and family that have supported us through this process.  We couldn't have done it without you!

Something Positive

Last Wednesday, I received a very nice email from Amelia's first 3rd grade teacher inviting her to the class party on the last day of school.  She said that she had been preparing her end of the year gift bag and wanted to make sure that she got it.  She also said Amelia could come without a parent.  Really?  Now, just a few days earlier, I was specifically told that she could not come unless she was accompanied by a parent.  Why the switch?  I have absolutely no idea.

Dan and I debated whether or not it was the right thing to send her but when it came down to it, she wanted to go and since we had made the decision to put her in a different school next year...we thought she should go to say goodbye to some of her classmates.

I think it ended up being a positive experience for her.  They watched a movie, went to the awards ceremony and had their class party.  She said she had a good time.  Her gift bag had an autograph page where each of her classmates signed their name, several pictures of her from different activities throughout the year, and a nice note from Mrs. J.

The night before, Amelia wrote a note to several teachers and one front office person.  It was really sweet.  I helped her with spelling but I let her write what she wanted to write.  I told her to write what was in her heart...and I must say, she has a BIG heart.  She does not hold a grudge, she does not focus on the negative experiences..  She absolutely adores all of the teachers that she has come in contact with this year.  Even those two little girls that have been so mean to her all year long....she calls them "her friends".  My daughter is a better person than me...in many ways.

She could teach me a few things about forgiveness, about letting things go, about love.  She's impulsive, she can't sit still, she's demanding and defiant, she doesn't always tell the truth...but she is who she is.  She forgives and forgets and she loves.  She takes things at face value, she doesn't try to read hidden meaning in things.  And while I wish her behavior was better, I love who she is, on the inside.  I can tell you one thing, she WILL be successful in life. No doubt in my mind.

WE MADE IT!!!

School's out for summer!

An epiphany!

It came to me while I was driving home from work on Monday.  I had been thinking about the last several months with Amelia and wondering what we could have done differently that would have changed this nightmare.  I had begun to think about the fact that we didn't really take any action last year and that maybe our inaction was what really fueled the fire for this year.  About the time I was right in the middle of the pity party, blaming myself, I heard (though not with my ears) or felt the words, "Turn it over.  Turn over the situation and turn over Amelia". 

I have always known that these children are not really mine.  They are only on loan to me.  God created them and they belong to Him.  He has allowed Dan and I to cooperate with Him to bring life to them.  We are charged with their care for only a short time.  Our job is to love them, to nurture them, to take care of all of their needs but most importantly, we are to do all we can to get them to heaven.  But somehow, these facts get lost in our day to day lives.  I am the parent and therefore I take on this authoritative attitude that stings of pride.  After all, I'm sure I know better than God, right?  No.

When I was pregnant with Nathan, after having suffered several miscarriages, my sister-in-law gave me a small blue book called "A Mothers' Manual" by A. Francis Coomes, S.J.  This book is filled with wonderful prayers for mom and moms to be.  I found a prayer in there that I had never heard before...at least at that time in my life (young(er) and no parental experience at all!) that was called "Consecration of a Child to Mary".  I immediately prayed that prayer for my unborn son.

I have since prayed that prayer for each of my children.  I've given them over to the protection of the Blessed Mother.  There is no one better to mother them.  My desire is that she can fill in the gaps (or gaping holes) when I fall short.  And I do, often.

Right now, I don't know what to do about Amelia.  I am doing all that I know to do, but I feel as though I am falling so short, as her mother.  I need Mary to fill in the gaps for me now. 

I have prayed these two very special prayers again for all of my kids, but especially for Amelia right now.  I know that Mary heard that prayer the first time I prayed it for her, and I'm in no way suggesting that Mary has stopped protecting her or has withdrawn her protection or that it somehow didn't "take" the first time.  I pray this prayer again and hand her over to the Blessed Mother as a reminder to ME, that I am not in control, that she isn't really mine anyway, that God IS in control.  Perhaps God wants me to surrender her again....to stop trying to figure out every single detail.  God is already in the midst of this struggle.  While I was wanting someone at the school to come along side Amelia to help her through this...God is reminding me that HE (and His Precious Mother) are already along side her....they've never left!

These are the two prayers:

Consecration of a Child to Mary

Holy Mary, mother of God and mother of all the faithful, I place my little child under your motherly protection.  To you I completely consecrate my child, body and soul.  Take her under your care and keep her always.  Protect her in her infancy and keep her sound in body and mind.  Guard her youth and keep her heart pure, her thoughts ever holy and directed to God and the things of God.  Protect her always throughout life--in her joys and sorrows, in her successes and failures, in her dealings with others.  Always and in all things be a true mother to her, Mary, and preserve her.  I commend her entirely to you.  Remember, Mother Mary, that through this act of consecration she becomes in a special way your child as well as mine; guard her and keep her as your very own.  Amen.

For Protection of One's Children

Holy Mother Mary, by virtue of your divine motherhood you have become mother of us all.  I place the dear ones God has given me under your loving protection.  Be a protecting mother to my children.  Guard their bodies and keep their thoughts ever holy in the sight of their creator and God.  Guard their hearts and keep them pure and strong and happy in the love of God.  Guard always their souls, and preserve in them faithfully the glorious image of God they received in Baptism.  Always, Mother, protect them and keep them under your motherly care.  Supply in your all-wise motherhood for my poor human deficiencies and protect them from all evil.  Amen.

On hold.

I was finally able to get an appointment with the neuro psychologist.  We will meet on June 5th to go over the results of Amelia's evaluation.  We're on old for another week, and I'm frustrated.

I think the last few weeks have finally "sunk in" with me.  I've gone over all of it in my mind several times and I find myself becoming very resentful.  I feel strongly that our family has been let down.

We've not heard from anyone yet.  Not a teacher (besides the resource teacher that broke the news to us), not the principal or vice principal, not even a parent.  News and rumors fly fast around there.  You would have thought that someone would have called.  Nope. 

When I spoke with the resource teacher on Thursday, she said that she had the contents of Amelia's desk in a bag.  She asked if she could just give it to one of her siblings.  Oh, and she mentioned that there is a math book in her backpack that needs to be turned back into the school.  That's it.  Not, "Gee, Mrs. Widener, I'm so sorry this has happened".  Nothing.  Just, "here's her stuff and we want our stuff".  Clearly, they are glad to be parting ways. 

Please pray that I don't have this chip on my shoulder for long.  I need to work through this and move on...and I am...but it isn't without some sharp pains in my pride.

On a positive note, when we drove to the Jacksonville National Cemetery today, we drove by the school that Amelia will most likely attend next year.  She seemed excited.  We drove around looking at houses for sale.  The kids panicked!  They do NOT want to move!  I'm neutral on the subject.  I'm open, though.

I don't really know what the future holds for us.  Right now, I have to get Nathan through finals and Olivia through her last week of class parties...and I have to keep Amelia from feeling left out.  Oh yea...they said Amelia could attend her end of the year class party, but she would have to be accompanied by a parent.  No thank you, I think we've been ridiculed enough for one year, don't you?

Spiritual Friendships

While enjoying my very first cup of coffee on this Saturday morning, I came across a wonderful blog post on the subject of Spiritual Friendships.  I've been blogging for about 5 years now.  During that time, I've made some very wonderful friends.  Some are "online" friends only, while others have become "real life" friends. 

Though rare, some have become "spiritual friends".  These are the friendships that draw you closer to Christ.  These are the people that walk right along side you. These are the friendships that challenge you to be all that God has made you to be...to go against the flow...to go against the flesh.

This blog post mentions the book, "An Introduction to the Devout Life" by St. Frances de Sales.  I happen to be reading this book right now and I just recently read the quote that the author of this blog post used...."Friendship varies according to the variety of these communications, and they vary according to the benefits interchanged; if these are vain and false, then the friendship is vain and false; if they are true, then the friendship will be true; and the more excellent those qualities exchanged, the higher will the friendship be".

Oh, how blessed I am to have spiritual friends!  They are placed in our lives by a Divine Appointment!  If you have spiritual friends, cultivate those relationships, treasure them and most of all BE a spiritual friend.

Tell me about your spiritual friends!

(H/T:  The Practicing Catholic)

It's over!

Well, for Amelia, the school year is over!  It's bittersweet.  If I were to be brutally honest, I'm relieved.

There was an incident yesterday.  She came home with a handwritten note telling me that she can't attend P.E. anymore because of what happened.  I tried to get the details from her, but I felt like there was something that she wasn't owning up to.  She said she was forced to write the note that way but that wasn't exactly what happened.  I signed her handwritten note and returned it, as requested, this morning.

On the way to school this morning, I had her re-tell me the story.  Here's a shocker.....I believe her!   Her story seems plausible to me, and makes sense.  The version that she wrote in the note, didn't.  I decided to call the resource teacher to have her tell me what happened.  She told me what the P.E. teacher told her...and then I shared with her what Amelia had told me.  She wasn't buying it.  She reminded me that Amelia is not a reliable source of information because she lies all the time.  I get that...but this time, Amelia's story is more believable....it really is.

I've struggled all day with the thought that maybe I just want to believe her so bad, that I've convinced myself that her story was true.  I'd like to think I'm a little more level headed than that, though.  Still, I WANT her to be telling the truth!

As it turns out, it didn't really matter.  The resource teacher told me that they (I guess the teachers and principal) had a meeting yesterday and since they are basically done with the academic portion of the year, there really is no reason to bring her next week.  Apparently, the resource teacher has some other responsibilities next week and can therefore not "babysit" her so we may as well keep her home. 

In light of this newest situation, Dan and I have decided that we are taking Amelia out of Assumption.  He emailed the principal to let her know, so it is now official.  I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted.

I'm not blaming the school or the teachers for this horrific year, but I think they could have handled things a lot better.  Amelia did NOT have an advocate there and that was obvious on more than one occasion.  In my opinion, the Catholic school system has become too much of a business.  The priority has become all about the tuition and having "state of the art" this or that.  One of her teachers told me a few times that she didn't want Amelia to slip through the cracks.  In fact, that's exactly what happened.  It would have been nice had someone taken her under their wing and walked along side her as she stuggled.  Instead, she was juggled around with no one really wanting to deal with her.  Hopefully, this experience will have made all of us stronger in the end.

Nathan and Olivia are doing fine and will stay at Assumption, at least for now.  In the meantime, we are scheduled to meet with the neuro-psychologist on June 5th to discuss her evaluation.  Hopefully, we can gain some insight into what's going on and figure out a way to work through it this summer. 

We're moving forward people!  This is a good thing!