Health Update

I saw the oncologist yesterday. He confirmed what I already knew....I need a diuretic to get rid of all this excess water. My feet and lower legs have been swelling for over two weeks now. It isn't related to blood pressure at all. It's partly due to the steroids and partly due to the chemotherapy drug Taxotere. Anyway, I guess I'll be making multiple trips to the bathroom for the next few days until we get this minor issue under control.

On the day after Christmas, I'm scheduled to have an injection of Lupron. Since my surgery will not be scheduled until sometime at the end of January, the oncologist is not comfortable with me going that long without beginning the hormone therapy (Arimidex). The Lupron will help to shrink my ovaries (or, in other words, render them useless)...until the surgery. One week after the injection (Jan 2)I can begin to take the Arimidex. Happy New Year to me! Apparently, this drug throws you right into menopause...yippy! I can hardly wait for the hot flashes (I already have these but they are relatively mild) and the night sweats! I hear the mood swings are pretty bad......please pray for Dan!

I'm not sure what happens after the surgery. I guess I just play the game of cancer roulette...you know...have scan...worry, worry, worry.....scans ok...breathe a sigh of relief and then do it again in another 3 months. I know that this is better than the alternative.

I'm still extremely tired. I have times when I feel almost normal and on those days, I tend to overdo it...and then I'm even more tired later. The oncologist stated that he thought I should begin to have more energy in around 6 weeks. I'll be waiting......and I'll let you know when it arrives.

Over the hump...

I think I might finally be over the hump with the side effects of my last chemo. Today is the first day that I've felt somewhat "normal" in weeks. Although I woke up with a splitting headache...I'm feeling pretty good right now. I feel almost human with a fair amount of energy. The trick is going to be making sure I don't over do it because, if I do, I will regret it tomorrow!
I've still got some major swelling going on and because of this, shoes are optional right now!

Once my headache was in check...I was able to clean the kitchen, make some cranberry bread and boil some eggs for breakfast. Although, my kids don't like the "okes"!! Nathan has a basketball game at 11am and he is adamant about making it to confession today which begins at 3:45pm!

Dan and I have a Christmas party to attend tonight and we have reserved one of our favorite babysitters for the kids!!! It's been a while since we've been able to go out...mainly because I just haven't felt well enough. We're supposed to bring an appetizer of some sort and I'm not sure if I'll actually make something, or, go with already prepared frozen stuff. We'll see how I'm feeling after the basketball game.

All in all...this seems like a typical, normal day for our family "before" cancer. I look forward to a day when I don't think about it at all and where my physical health is not something that I dwell on in a negative way. I do see a light at the end of the tunnel and I have a good feeling about it!

Just shoot me!

Enough said!

Keeping afloat and asking for prayers...

I'm just trying to keep my head above water today. I completed my last chemotherapy session on Monday. I had about a good 24 hours where I felt relatively normal....not anymore. The symptoms have begun again and I'm just trying to go with the flow. I'm hoping that knowing this was my last time, will help to deal with the side effects better.
In addition, the school called this morning to tell me that Amelia wasn't feeling well. She doesn't have a fever but seems pretty pale and is complaining of her stomach hurting. I put her on the couch when I got home and she immediately fell asleep. I have a bucket on stand by in case.
I'm now carrying around the hand sanitizer and wearing a mask. This is NOT a good time for me to be exposed to a stomach virus!

****Update: Just as I finished this post earlier...Amelia threw up...all over herself, the blanket and the couch! Amazingly, the bucket remained squeaky clean! Sigh.....

While I know this will be an interesting week here at hour house...I'm not in the slightest bit worried about it. I have a warm home with a loving family....it's Advent and we are eagerly expecting Christ's arrival....we will get through it all...together!!

**Could I also ask you to keep a special person in your prayers today? A blog friend has a family member having surgery today...If you have a minute to say a quick Hail Mary for her speedy recovery and ultimate healing, I'm sure that she and her family will be extremely grateful****

Up all night!

I really dislike taking the steroids before the chemo. I know that they are supposed to help me fend off any allergic reaction that might be hovering over me after the poison enters my veins...but...they pretty much keep me up all night!! I was still awake at 4:15am this morning! I finally dozed off and then Dan woke me up at about 6:20am as everybody has to be out of the house by 7:30am at the latest! I had 4 whole days and still forgot to wash Nathan's uniform pants...(he used to have two pairs of pants....but we wont' talk about the "high quality" of fabric that they use to make these $28 pants...that he blew out the knees already!!!!). Anyway, they are on quick wash and hopefully they'll dry quickly too. He can always wear his uniform shorts...it's 58 degrees right now...but it will be close to 75 at least by the time I pick them up from school.

My last chemo is at 8:00am. I'm anxious and thrilled at the same time. I'm so glad it will be over...but at the same time...it's hard to voluntarily (technically) go there when I know what the next week will bring.

I started that special Christmas Novena to St. Andrew yesterday. I bet you can guess what my intentions are!!!

Christmas Craft Show

Yesterday, my good friend Diane and I went over to the Convention Center here in Jacksonville for their annual Christmas Made in the South Craft Show. This is the biggest craft show I've ever been to! There were literally hundreds of vendors with everything from clothing and jewelry to handmade ornaments and novelty items! Unfortunately, the one vendor that I was looking for was not there this year! Fiddlesticks!!! However, something wonderful happened to me today that is better than anything that vendor could have sold me!! I will share this with you in my post for tomorrow (you know...the whole "expectation and anticipation of advent....so you'll have to wait!!!).

Anyway, I only bought a couple of small items this year as we are trying to be careful with our spending. When you're at an event like this, it can be tempting to overspend because everything looks so festive!!! There is also the issue of "novelty"...I mean, so much of this stuff is handmade and you may never get the chance to purchase something like this again. But, at least I went with a mission this time (that darn fabric advent calendar!!). Since I couldn't find it...I did give myself permission to find something else that I could put in the kid's shoes for St. Nicholas Day!

Here is what I was able to purchase...and by the way...all of this was UNDER $25.00 (That didn't include the admission price or lunch though!!)

These items were made by a older couple living in Iowa. She uses old, vintage Christmas/Greeting card images and makes wooden puzzles with them!! I visited their booth at least 3 times before I actually purchased something. They seem to be very well made!. What drew me in were the images. They are classic photos and greetings and some of them are absolutely gorgeous! These were 3 very small ones. I got one for each of my kids. They are tied together with string so you can display them and to keep the pieces together. She told me not to untie the string but to pull it off while doing the puzzle...that way, you can just put the string back on afterwards and it stays together.

She had big ones, small ones, teeny-tiny ones, oval ones, round ones, etc...... It was really hard to choose. Here are more photos of them....

Don't you just love this guys eyes???? I also like seeing the very old tradition of putting candles on the tree!

This is one I took apart for you so you could see it! I apologize for the bad lighting in this picture...I am still learning how to use this camera. I just simply slipped of the string and took it apart. Then, when I had it all together again...I just slipped the string right back on!

I know that images of Santa Claus are not necessarily the images I want my children to see in their minds and hearts when they think about Christmas, but, let's face it....don't we all think of Christmas when we see Santa?? The couple did have Holy Family/Nativity images...and...I almost bought those, but like I said, I was just so drawn to these vintage photos.

Do you ever feel like you could have been born in the wrong era? I feel this way with Christmas music also. I'd rather listen to Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Rosemary Clooney and Johnny Mathis when it comes to Christmas songs. I guess I'm just drawn to a simpler time....when kid's weren't bombarded with images of so much stuff to crowd their little brains. The enemy can grab hold of their little souls this way and take them down a road that is way too traveled...the road of greed. Sometimes, I truly long for the way things were back then. I think back to my grandmother's white flocked Christmas tree with the rotating colored lights that changed the snow and ornaments into different colors. I remember listening to Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas record (yes....remember the old LP's that were played on a huge stereo system??) over and over again until my Nanie was ready to ship us back home.

Alas...even though I'm drawn to the simplicity and memories......I still live in 2008 and get caught up in all it's commercialism sometimes.

On an even more personal note....Christmas has truly changed for me this year. Since my diagnosis of breast cancer this July....I see things through new eyes. I'm all for keeping a positive attitude about my recovery, but, there is a part of me...deep down inside that asks the question.."What if this is my last Christmas?". I guess, no matter how simple or complicated it is...I just want to enjoy it. I want to create memories for my husband and my kids that will last their lifetimes. Most of all....I just want their memories to be happy. Even with all the chaos that went on in my childhood (my moms alcoholism, their divorce and all the issues that went with that)...absolutely ALL of my Christmas memories are wonderful and warming to my soul.
This is what I wish for my kids. Ok...enough of that.

One last thing, I bought this ornament. Ever since Dan and I have been married, I have purchased an ornament for our tree with the year on it. Since we've had kids...it's been more kid oriented. Anyway...here is the ornament I got yesterday.

***Two more last things....my last chemo (#4) is tomorrow at 8am. I'm really nervous about this one. The fatigue and such is really hitting me hard and I would appreciate your continued prayers. Also, I have developed this new problem on my lower legs called petechiae. It doesn't hurt but it could mean that my blood counts are not where they should be.

Ok...another last thing....my husband Dan is doing much better. We were able to go and get our Christmas tree last night (although it's still outside right now...getting rained on!). Thank you for your prayers.

Almost there!

I had my labs rechecked today...my hemoglobin is up to 10.2 (from 8.1 last week)! This is great news. It's still below normal (12) but we're going in the right direction. My blood pressure was 117/72 and everything else seemed to be ok. The only thing the oncologist said was that they would like for me to wait to see the dentist until just before Christmas. I'll hold out for as long as I can...barring any abscess or something even more gross!

My last treatment is Monday!!! All in all it has gone faster than I thought it would. I still must see the Radiation Oncologist for a consultation. They are leaning more towards NOT doing radiation as....well...there really isn't much tissue there to radiate. However, we still have to go over all of the options and weigh the pros and the cons. We've already discussed the hormonal therapy of Arimidex. This is to start after the hysterectomy which will be some time in January. Hopefully by February or so, I can start to put all of this behind me and begin looking forward with some confidence and hope. This will be a "monkey" that will be with me forever, but, I plan to put it in it's proper place and only acknowledge it when I actually have to.

Thank you again for all of your prayers and support. I promise to return the favor in your hour of need!!

That explains it!!

Well, at least now I know why I've been feeling so bad....my hemoglobin was 8.1 today!! Normal is usually around 12. I'm scheduled to have more lab work on the 25th to see if it has gone up. If not, they will give me an injection of something....I think it's called Procrit. All of the other symptoms I'm having are completely normal for the particular type of chemotherapy I've been getting. My only instructions are to take it easy, get up slower, keep my feet up to help combat the swelling, eat lots of protein and keep hydrated.

I'm sorry I sounded so whiny last night. I either feel really bad or really good...there isn't a whole lot of "in-between" lately. Emotionally, I feel on the edge and on the verge of crying a lot of the time. I guess it's all par for the course, but frustrating none the less.

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers!

Update

Let's see...today is chemo #3, day 10. This time I have experienced a large amount of swelling in my feet, ankles and lower legs. It's so bad that I could barely put shoes on this morning. I see the oncologist tomorrow and will have my blood pressure checked...but, today I got out my booklet on one of the chemo drugs (Taxotere) and swelling is one of the side effects. The fatigue has also gotten progressively worse each time. Whenever I stand for long periods of time...like doing dishes or cooking...it causes my lower back and hips to ache horribly. One of the other issues that I get each time is mouth sores. It feels as though I took a huge gulp of boiling hot coffee or soup....like the inside of my mouth is burned. Eating anything cold helps.
This time, my gums are sore and it feels as if my teeth are loose.
I must tell you that I'm really tired of being tired! I'm sick of feeling sick! I went for a walk around the parking lot on Friday with a co-worker...I almost passed out! I'm winded easily and feel like such a lump! I was embarrassed! Thankfully, she is a nurse and understands what chemotherapy does to a person's body.
I'm also still dealing with this upper respiratory infection. I finished the antibiotics, but, I'm still coughing...a lot. The good news is that I haven't experienced any fever lately. They will do blood work tomorrow and I pray that it is all normal.
Overall, I'm doing well. God has richly blessed me with a wonderful support system. Angels have provided meals for our family 3 times a week since my surgery (...uh...that was back in August!!), cleaned my house once a month, taken my kids from several hours to several days, done our laundry and have prayed for us non-stop since I was diagnosed. I will never be able to fully express my gratitude to everyone who has helped us. It has been a very humbling experience. I can only hope that this ordeal will be behind me soon.
I'll update again tomorrow once I've seen the oncologist.

Just when you think you have things....

figured out...the rules change. I woke up this morning at about 3:30am...coughing. It's that really loose, cruddy cough that really hurts. By 5am, my head was pounding and my throat was so sore I could barely swallow. I called the MD early but they didn't get back to me until this afternoon. I'm on a Z-Pak now with some over the counter cough medicine. I'm just supposed to watch for a developing fever.
We had some very wonderful members of our Engaged Encounter group bring us dinner tonight! What a blessing! I'm not sure I could have tackled that today. It was hot baked ziti with a huge loaf of french bread as well as a big salad. Ice cream and cupcakes for dessert! Dan came home between jobs so he could pick up my prescriptions and help me get dinner on the table. Normally, I would have asked him to stay home from work tonight to help me, but, I'm going to try to eek out some help from my 8 year old. It's 5:55pm here and all of them are bathed up and in their pjs.....the girls are watching an episode of Clifford and Nathan is sitting quietly on the couch reading...."Children of the Civil War" by Candice F. Ransom. I'm tickled to death that he is reading this book. Normally, he'd have a stack of dinosaur or Pokemon books, which, are ok but I'm just glad to see him interested in history.

I hope to be feeling human sometime soon. I can't really tell which symptoms are from the chemo and which are from the upper respiratory infection. Suffice it to say that everything hurts, everything is sore, and I'm hanging on by a thread.

O, Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to you.
O, Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to you.
O, Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to you.

Dragging today!

I'm very tired and sluggish today. The heartburn has subsided...this is good. Today, I feel like I have the flu. Every bone aches and it seems as though every muscle is struggling to survive any movement. Whether I just walk across the room or actually attempt to do something constructive, my muscles spasm and shake which make me feel very unstable. I just need to hang on for a few more days and it will all start to get better.
The kids are home and I'm glad...I missed them. I'm glad my sister-in-law and her family were kind enough to take our kids for the weekend. This really helps me to be able to navigate these first few days of the chemo.

We enjoyed the concert last night. It was in an outdoor amphitheatre and the weather was wonderful. By the time it was over, I was definitely worn out. I slept the whole 40 minute drive home. I had the most wonderful experience as we were walking out! This woman with beautiful short, red hair came up to me and said, "I just have to hug you....I had my final treatment last month and I'm free!! You'll get there too!!!" What a wonderful show of support! I'm not often hugged by strangers but, this was a welcome and joyous encounter. These are surely the moments that I believe God has intended me to cherish forever throughout this journey.

Tonight as we were just settling in, a wonderful neighbor called and it seems that we are next on the list for our traveling Madonna. Our parish has two statues that travel around our parish all year long. We usually sign up for two times a year. I'm so glad she's here with us for the week. This will be a time for special rosaries and special times for the kids! The best part was hearing my little ones say "Mother Mary is here!!" as soon as my husband brought the big box in the house. Perhaps sharing my burden with the Blessed Mother this week is just what the doctor ordered and just what the Master Physician had in mind for all eternity. Maybe tonight I can go to bed dreaming of being wrapped in my Mother's mantle. Sweet dreams everyone.

Saturday Update

I'm actually doing pretty well at this point! The heartburn is something I guess will just be with me until this whole ordeal is over. It is very uncomfortable but, as long as I'm careful with what I eat, when and how much....I can somewhat control it. The fatigue is also an issue. I tried folding a load of laundry this morning and realized that I can't hold up my arms for very long....even just to fold shirts. I get tired easy walking from one end of the house to the other.
I've been sitting in the recliner today, just resting and watching cooking shows.

Several months back, we bought tickets to a Michael W. Smith/Steven Curtis Chapman concert down at the ampitheatre in St. Augustine. We bought them without knowing my chemo schedule at all. We just hoped that it would all fall into place. Well...this isn't what I had in mind. I mean, I'm on day 2 post chemo and so I'm sure this will be a struggle. Although, again as I said above, I'm feeling better than I thought I would at this point for round 3. I'm still taking the steroids so I'm sure that is one reason why I still have some energy. I take my last dose of that tomorrow. Monday and Tuesday will be the "come down" days from the steroids and I'll probably spend those days crying like a baby. I'm amazed at how chemo effects your entire being...not just physcially, but mentally and emotionally too.

Thanks for all of your prayers and support! You really do help me to keep strong and focused!
I am especially thankful for you (my cyberfriends) today and will pray for you all tonight during the concert.

More updates soon.

Quick update

I went for my Neulasta shot today. My heartburn is almost unbearable. I mean, it is almost constant burning in my chest. I hate this part!! I know this usually lasts at least a week and then starts to taper off.
My sister-in-law is coming to pick up the kids soon. She will keep them overnight and all day tomorrow for me since Dan has to work. This helps me more than she'll ever know!! I know they are taken care of and I can relax without guilt. I find myself much more grumpy since going through chemo. Unfortunately, the kids take the brunt of it. I'd never make a good martyr.!
Thank you all for the supportive emails/comments! I really could not do this without all of you.

Chemo #3.....75% done!!

Well, I'm almost done. Three treatments down and one to go! This one went just as smoothly as all the others. It was quiet and peaceful. The nurses were all great! My nurse even got a "blood return" on my portacath!!! Something no one has been able to do since my first treatment...including 2 port studies.

The only symptoms I'm experiencing tonight are....bad heartburn, rapid heartbeat and hot flashes. The steroids have a lot to do with it. I'm trying to drink as much water as possible to help flush all of these chemicals out. Tomorrow I have my Neulasta shot. I'm convinced this is the true culprit of some of my pain. I know that the chemo kills the bone marrow and the Neulasta stimulates it to rebuild itself at a rapid pace. This causes bone pain...and boy do I feel it. It mostly shows up in my lower back and hips. I'm NOT looking forward to that again.

I met a couple of really nice ladies today during chemo. One was suffering from colon/bladder and vaginal cancer. The other was suffering from breast cancer that had metastasized to her bone and liver. Both of them are suffering with a lot of physical issues but are very upbeat and positive even though their respective prognosis' are not the best. I admire women like that.

I'm so excited about the upcoming holidays! Thanksgiving and Christmas are my favorite time of the year. We're planning some fun activities for the kids for both holidays. I'm just hoping and praying that the chemo issues come and go quickly so we can get on with the celebrations.
I'd like to recommend two websites to you where you can find lots of fun activities, recipes and information for Christmas. The first is the St. Nicholas Center. Our family has made the spice cookies for two years in a row and they are a real hit! We make enough for ourselves and we end up delivering some to friends and family. This year, I bought a bishops miter cookie cutter to use. I also bought a St. Nicholas ornament and some prayer cards. I think celebrating St. Nicholas Day (Dec 6) is a great thing for the kids.
The second site is O Night Divine. Although this site is not in full swing yet for the season...it is packed filled with all things Advent/Christmas. You will find some great ideas here. Let me know what you think of these websites....and....if you have any others you would like to share...let me know and I'll be glad to post about them.

I'll keep you posted over the next few days about the how my "second to last" chemotherapy session is coming along. I guess you could say that the worse I feel....the more dead the cancer cells are!

Could it be?

I'm not sure, but, I may be coming out of it. Slowly...ever so slowly. This has been the roller coaster week from hell. Physically, I have felt probably as bad as I've ever felt. Nauseous, achy, weak and shaky...very unsteady on my feet. I've also had some ringing in my ears and just a general feeling of not really being in my body. Emotionally, it has been worse. It seems that all I can do is cry. There is no specific reason...I am just very sad. I can't really focus or concentrate on anything. I can't do my soduko's, crossward puzzles...or even read my book. I tried to get on the computer for awhile yesterday, but, I wasn't even interested in that. I haven't been dressed in two days. Today is normally a work day for me, but, there is no way I could be productive.

Early in the week, a friend had mentioned to me that her kids had possibly been exposed to whooping cough. Since our kids play together....she warned me that this might also be a worry for us. Nathan has begun to develop signs of some kind of upper respiratory infection. I was petrified because I'm not sure what this means for me....or what it might mean for Nathan. Right now, I'm on Chemo #2, Day 6. The most vulnerable time for infection with me is between day 10-14. On the bright side, all of my kids have been vaccinated, but, in my limited amount of reading....you can still get it. I spoke to the oncologist and basically....there isn't much I can do....except wait. If I get it, I get it and they will deal with it then. There is nothing they can really do for prevention at this point.

Soooooo, this has been the very pathetic story of my week.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, and my Mother, I come before you in the knowledge that you will help me. My faith tells me so and my heart makes me sure of this. In my sickness, and in the midst of my suffering, I often call out to you: "Mother!" Just saying this word makes me feel better. When I feel misunderstood and all alone, I know that you are with me and that you love me. Help me, Mary, and when I am well let me love God more. Amen.

Just not up to it

Don't feel much like posting today. I'm here and thinking of all of you....you truly are how I get through this. We did manage to get the kids to the pumpkin patch this morning after mass. When I can, I'll get those pictures up.
I layed down to take a nap and he kindly took them to the zoo as the weather is cool and as close to fall as we've had so far.
Tonight is our monthly family rosary at church...not sure if I'll make it.
Tomorrow is a new week and I'm ready for it to begin.

Post chemo #2, Day 2

Some of the same post chemo friends have come to visit again. The one that is the most irritating and stays the longest is the horrible indigestion and heartburn. This pain is really intense this time. Also, hot flashes, headache, fatigue, bone pain and slurry mouth have also stopped by. I have no idea how long they will stay this time. I've been trying to show them the door all day, but alas, they are still here. The Imodium AD already kicked out that one nasty visitor this afternoon. Hopefully, never to return.

The kids are spending the night with my sister-in-law and she is also going to keep them all day tomorrow so that I can rest a little easier. Since Dan has to work, I will do NOTHING tomorrow! I might not even get dressed or take a shower. I will stay in bed most of the day just licking my wounds and trying to get through it. The good news is that I know that each day will more than likely get a little better until in about a week and a half...I will feel pretty good. At least this time, I won't have to worry about when my hair will fall out. I guess now I'm just waiting to see how long it takes for my eyebrows to disappear. I still had to shave my legs this morning....doesn't seem fair now does it?

Half done!!

Well, I've made it through my second chemo treatment today. Thankfully, that's two down and two to go! To think that I'm half done makes me feel slightly guilty...like some how I've gotten away with something (only 4 treatments) that a lot of breast cancer patients don't.

Anyway, today I'm going to be selfish and just be glad that I'm 50% done! The treatment itself was again uneventful. I tried to read some but I slept most of the time. I haven't been sleeping due to a decent level of anxiety and I think it finally caught up with me today. I really couldn't go anywhere while all hooked up to my special cocktail...so, I was forced to relax and stay put.

It seemed like it went faster this time but that could just be my imagination. I drank ice water and some snacks that they offered. Since being home, I've checked and sent some email, did the dishes, fed the kids, did the dishes again, celebrated Olivia's birthday again with some left over cake, did the dishes again, gave the girls a bath, helped Nathan with his homework and....now, I'm finally sitting on my behind relaxing. The only side effect tonight is nasty indigestion but I've been told that I can double up on my reflux medicine during this week after chemo. My legs are starting to feel alittle heavy. I remember this from last time. I get my Neulasta shot tomorrow. So far, I'm planning to go to work as long as I feel ok. If I'm the slightest bit nauseous or if I'm feeling too tired...I'm staying home.

***I just wanted to say thank you again to all of my family and friends, blog followers (and those that end up here accidentally) for all of your prayers and support. I'm not sure I could get through all of this without you. As a matter of fact, I know I couldn't. I think I must have done something right at some point in my life to deserve all of the blessings that God has given me in the form of "cancer". Some times I feel like I'm on "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" and other times I feel that "peace that passes all understanding". God knows what I need when I need it and He has been so gracious to supply it...through doctors and nurses, other hospital personnel and through all of you. Thank you again and please know that you are all remembered in my prayers as well***

More News

I saw the oncologist today and got some interesting news....sit down, put your feet up and relax...this is going to be a long post. It includes some good news and some bad news. Here goes...

To make a long story somewhat shorter....I found out today that I will not be able to take the hormone therapy drug Tamoxifen. While I am estrogen/progesterone receptor positive (actually...very positive...100% and 96%), apparently this is not all there is to the story. My oncologist performed a DNA test on me called "CYP2D6" enzyme test. The bottom line is...this DNA test can determine a person's genetic ability to create levels of this enzyme. The more of this enzyme a woman has, the better she can absorb Tamoxifen and convert it...thereby avoiding a relapse of the cancer. About 7-10% of women (I am one of them) are "poor metabolizers" with absent or reduced levels of this enzyme. This means that my risk of a relapse is actually increased. I was very disappointed, however, he did give me some good news too that I think will end up better in the end.
I do have a couple of alternatives to the Tamoxifen. One is called Arimidex. This drug apparently works differently and doesn't require use of the CYP2D6 enzyme. Statistically, this drug has a better success rate (20 to 40% better) at reducing the recurrence rate. However, you can only take this if you are post-menopausal. My dear friends....at only 43....I have not begun menopause. In order to take the Arimidex...I have 3 options.

1. Have radiation on my ovaries to shrink them into nothingness.
2. Take an injection every 3 months for several years to render my ovaries...dead.
3. Have them surgically removed.

I was not really prepared for talk of a hysterectomy. I cried the entire drive home. I realize that I'm 43 and Dan is 48. The probability of us conceiving again are decreasing with each birthday. I know too that this journey of cancer, chemotherapy and possibly radiation is also a huge factor in whether or not the blessing of more children are in our future. Did I mention that I'm 43 (will be 44 in January) and Dan is 48? Still, the thought of having something like "cancer" determine God's will is disturbing to me....on so many levels. It just seems unnatural. It just seems unfair and it really, really sucks. My decision needs to be made somewhere between my 3rd and 4th treatment. I'm leaning towards the removal...it just seems quicker and less traumatic.

I can't figure out why this is happening. I mean...cancer has taken a breast, it's taken my hair and now I'm going to have to part with my ovaries. What exactly is left that makes me a woman? Please know that I am willing to give it everything, if it means keeping my life. I understand how doing as much as I can to ensure I can be here to watch my children grow up is the ultimate goal. I just didn't expect it to be so hard. I'm not good at surrendering. I usually don't go down without a fight but I must confess, I'm willing to admit when I'm licked.

The oncologist also mentioned that radiation can't be totally ruled out because my tumor was over 3 centimeters in size. He said that he will refer me to a radiation oncologist who will go over all of the films, all of my pathology reports and try to determine if it will be beneficial to me. He said it would depend upon how close the tumor was to the chest wall. More decision making!

The other bit of good news is that since my DNA showed my poor metabolization of this enzyme (which has to do with how your liver processes these chemical compounds), he will have to reduce my dosages of chemotherapy. In other words, my body is not making good use of the dosages he's currently giving me. He said he would reduce them by 20% since my body isn't using that 20% to kill the cancer anyway. I don't know how much of a difference this will make in the severity of the side effects, but, I can only hope that this will make them more tolerable and leave my body quicker. I'll let you know.

One last thing...the oncologist mentioned that since my porta cath is not working at 100% (they can't draw blood from it), it would be of no use to me after my chemo treatments. Therefore, he's suggested that I just have it removed once they're done. Originally he said that I would need to keep it for at least a year after my last treatment. So, I might not have to live with this metal thing in my chest for very much longer.

Well...since I'm sure I've either bored you all to tears or depressed you...I think I'll stop now. I need to try to get to bed as I have to be at the hospital by 7am.

Thank you to all who have been praying and sending positive thoughts my way. I could not live without you. You are so special to me!

My first day out!

Well, today was the day that I had to go out in public with no hair for the very first time. While getting ready for church, I was mulling over whether or not to wear my wig or a hat. I tried them both on...and decided on the hat. The wig is very itchy! I'm not sure how people wear these everyday. I only had it on for about 10 minutes and I was ready to throw it across the room. The hat was much more comfortable and not itchy at all. Everyone said it looked fine....I mean...what else are they going to say? I thought I looked like Boy George without the hair and make up. Yes, I suppose I am dating myself with that comment. For those of you who don't know who Boy George is.....don't ask....you wouldn't believe it!

Last night, Dan decided to join me in my baldness and he shaved his head too. He still looks just as handsome as always. He is such a good husband. God has richly blessed me with a man who loves God, loves me and his children and always puts others first. I could not imagine going through this without him.

Three days until my next treatment! I find myself getting more and more anxious. I tolerated the first treatment pretty well and I guess I feel like I couldn't possibly get away with tolerating it well two times in a row. I'm not normally a superstitious person, however, I'm looking for some solid wood to knock on right now!

I had a call today from a very special friend in California. She was diagnosed with breast cancer almost 30 years ago. She had a radical mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation. I felt encouraged just talking to her. She knows what it's like to go through all of this. She knows the fear of having yearly tests...always wondering if "it's" back. She really knows how I feel. I am so thankful for her and others who have given me so much support. Even though this new "club" that I'm in is huge...and growing larger each day.....sometimes, it can be very isolating. I just want to be normal again. Part of me wants things back to the way they were before my diagnosis. Right now, breast cancer is consuming my life and I'm so tired of thinking about it, of talking about it. I think I need a vacation...from reality.....not forever...just for a short time.
I think I need a trip to the bookstore. Finding a good mystery or romance that can take me away for just a few minutes each day...that'll do it. BooksAMillion...here I come!!!