Finally, lab results!

The doctor's office called me today while I was at work.  The nurse told me that my alkaline phosphatase results were high, again.  The reference range is from 25 to 69, and mine was 81.  He wants me to have a Cat Scan of my liver.

She also told me that the doctor had already faxed over authorization for my new medication on 9/17/12.  This would have been great news, except, today is only 9/13/12.  She seemed a little miffed that I pointed this out to her.  She got flustered and said that she meant to say 9/11/12.  This means that it might be next June by the time the authorization is approved.  In the mean time, I will continue to take the Arimidex.

Someone will be calling me soon to schedule the scan.  My stomach is in knots!  I've started to eat carbs again, emotional eater that I am!  I know that worrying will not add one single day to my life, and yet, I'm worried.  As usual, I'm thinking the worst.  What if it's cancer in my liver?  I need my liver....can't live without one!  I didn't need two breasts!  Technically, I don't even need one!  However, I would really like to hang on to my liver, thank you very much!

Emotionally, I don't think I'm strong enough to go through this again.  Seriously.  It was all I could do to keep it together dealing with breast cancer.  How am I supposed to keep it together with liver cancer?  And if it isn't cancer, what is it?  Something is making those lab results all wonky.

This is my own, personal, living purgatory.

Remember, most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession was left unaided.  Inspired with this confidence I fly unto you dear Virgin of Virgins, my mother; to you I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful.  Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy hear and answer me.  Amen.

The hardest part

Why is waiting the hardest part?  I know that I've grown up in a generation of people in a hurry!  I know this because I have felt myself becoming more and more impatient about even little things.  For instance, the ATM machine at our bank takes forever to spit out a receipt!  You don't believe me?  Well, I timed it the other day....a full 17 seconds before it even began to print...and another 3 seconds to print (give or take)!  Can you believe that!  I had to wait 20 SECONDS for my receipt to print!  Now, in my defense, there was a strange looking man standing behind me and he made me nervous enough to want to get the heck out of there....quickly!  Still, was I in such a hurry that I was tapping my foot at 20 seconds?  Yes, I know....

I'm not good at waiting.  Not at all.

This is why I'm having such a hard time waiting for the results of my most recent lab tests.  I don't know why I'm in a hurry, really.  If it's bad news, why would I be in a hurry to hear that?  If it's good news, then all the worrying I've done has been for naught and all those that have kept a positive attitude over these past few days will just say, "See, I told you so"!  Nobody really wants to hear that, now do we?

The waiting IS the hardest part!  The wondering.  The scenarios that I conjure up in my mind are endless at a time like this.  Some of my day dreams have me imagining what my funeral will be like.  Some of them have me becoming a spokesperson for cancer research.....and some of them have me waking up from a nightmare and having this whole mess be just a figment of my imagination.

Whatever the lab tests tell me, whatever the scans tell me, it doesn't really matter.  I will deal with whatever it is.  If it's more cancer, then we'll go at it with gusto.  If it's not cancer, but something else, then we'll fight that too.  It it's nothing...then I will move right along until the next health scare (and I know there will be more!) and live life to it's fullest!

Hopefully, I will hear from Dr. Marks tomorrow.  Hopefully, it's good news!  Hopefully I will take Nathan to Cross Country, help with homework, fix dinner, get everybody in the bathtub and in bed and take a deep breath and know that I'm still here, I'm still living and I'm still surviving!

It's all worth fighting for!