Monday, August 18, 2008

I'm Free!!

Finally! I have nothing attached to me! Dr. Felger took the last drain out today as well as the last of the staples. Hurray! It is such a relief. Tonight, once the kids are all bathed and in bed...I'm going to take a nice, long, hot shower....and probably cry. (***MAK, thanks for the beautiful basket of goodies that came in the mail today! It smells great and I will use it for my shower tonight!!) For whatever reason (I'm sure many) and feel very depressed today. In a way, I think I had become somewhat attached to my surgeon. I don't think it's him personally...just that, as long as I was under his care, nothing else was going to happen to me. Now, I'm into the next phase and I'm scared. I have an appointment with the medical oncologist next Thursday (8/28) in the afternoon. I am so not looking forward to this. He also released me to go back to work as of 8/19/08. It's funny because at first he told me that I'd be out of work at least a month but now in truth...it's only been two weeks. I can't go back this week because we made some other appointments so, next Wednesday I'll be back in the swing of things.

Also, a couple of days ago, I had to have my wedding rings cut off. This was more traumatizing than I thought it would be. Because the surgery was on my left side, and because they took so many nodes....this side will more than likely always be a little bigger and more swollen than my right side. This added to the weight I've gained over the last 11 years (and 3 Csections!!) made my rings so tight that it hurt. I need to wait another week or so and I can get them resized. But for now, it feels strange not to have them on.

I hope I'm ready for this next part of the journey. On the outside, I feel ready but deep down on the inside, I'm so scared that I can hardly breathe. All I can do is think about my kids and how much I want to be here for their futures. One of my prayer has always been to ask God to please let me live long enough to see my kids independent, healthy and happy. Now, I'm simply asking that he allow me to live long enough so that Olivia will remember me. I'm petrified of dying and somehow having them feel as though they never knew me. I was 17 when my dad died and 41 when my mom died. I have good memories of both of them. I can remember the sound of each of their voices, the way their hands looked, even the way they smelled. I want that for my children. These fears may be unfounded...but they are real for me.

On a lighter note....I need to begin to look at wigs or at the very least, hats and scarves. This is also an awful reality...I will lose my hair. The good news....I won't have to shave my legs for awhile. The bad news....well, I won't go there. Suffice it say, I have a weird shaped head and I'm not looking forward to this. I'm also not very fond of puking. I dread walking around for days feeling like "my insides want to be on the outside" (for those of you who know who Brian Regan is.....enough said).

Ok...I'm done whining. I need that shower now more than ever.

Pray that Tropical Storm Fay has a change of heart and decides to die before getting here!!

1 comment:

Frank & Lillian said...

Congratulations on being hardware free! I'm shocked they're releasing you to go back to work so early. Just don't do too much too soon. You need to get your strength back! Hang in there!

xxoo, Frank and Lillian