This has been a very strange weekend. I have spent most of it trying to keep my anxiety to a minimum. For some reason, I am extremely nervous about my upcoming surgery. It's not like I've never had a major surgery before....let's see...
1. all 4 wisdom teeth surgically removed under anesthesia
2. 4 surgical D&C's after miscarriages
3. had my gallbladder removed laproscopically
4. 3 C-Sections
5. Mastectomy (unilateral)
6. Port placement
All of these procedures required general anesthesia (except for the C-Sections....I had two epidurals and one spinal). Anesthesia has different effects on different people, but for me....I get horribly nauseous. For most people, this isn't a big deal....however, when you have surgery that requires you to have stitches in your abdominal area.....throwing up becomes an issue all on it's own. With the gallbladder removal and the Csections....just taking a deep breath can bring excruciating pain to your abdomen! Sneezing, coughing or laughing can bring the same pain. Can you imagine having to throw up....and the pain that can cause!???
Another concern is that I won't be able to drive for 2 weeks! This is definitely an inconvenience. This will be more stressful for Dan and we will have to rely on friends and extended family to help us through this time.
I guess it's all about surrendering control. I have always been under this false assumption that I somehow have control over things in my life. I don't. Lack of control creates fear for me. Because of the cancer, I feel as though decisions are being made for me. I realize that these decisions that I'm forced to make (or, rather, agree to) are for my own good. Hopefully, they will allow me to be a mom and wife for many years to come.
Most days, I don't think about the realities of having cancer. I just live it. But when you take a close look, you realize that in some ways, I've become a robot. I go here for an appointment, I go do that, I take this pill, I have that scan, I have this surgery...blah, blah, blah. My oncologist is my new boss. I now understand why those in a more advanced stage of the disease sometimes just put a halt to everything! They say NO MORE! I don't blame them. My prayer is that I never get to that point. Sigh.
Anyway, I have my pre op workup tomorrow. Then, I have a whole week to sit and contemplate what life will be like without a uterus.