Monday, February 23, 2009

Out of sorts

Surgery messes you up! I can't seem to get a handle on my days. I'm not really sure what day of the week it is...or what time of day it is. Everything just runs together in this endless stream of rest, pain medicine and navigating our house....hunched over. I can almost stand completely straight! I will go to the doctor's office tomorrow to have my staples removed.

I'm having some temperature issues...first I'm burning up and then I'm freezing. I'm not sure how long your body takes to get used to not having ovaries, but I wonder if the heat and sweating are related? Who knows! At this point, I'm just trying to go with the flow.

I just realized that Lent starts this week! Boy, where have I been? I am usually much more prepared for such a major liturgical season. Spiritually, I feel like I'm already experiencing Lent. I'm in a vast desert now, trying to feel my way around. I think it would be appropriate to say that part of me is dead. I am a caterpillar that has enveloped herself in the shell of a chrysalis...waiting to be born anew. Waiting for my wings.

I know that my female parts did not make up the whole of the woman that God made me to be.
But, I was not yet ready to let them go. And so, I mourn. I hurt. But I know that the butterfly awaits the hand of God. I will be patient and wait.

I'm changing the look of my blog for Lent...a few days early just in case by Wednesday, I've totally forgotten what month I'm in.

In this desert, I will pray. I will pray for all of you...and for myself. I know that many of you take blogging breaks during Lent...I respect that and will pray for your spiritual renewal. I, however, need to feel my way through Lent this year...a little differently than in years past.

Just in case you were all thinking that I'm speaking to you from a drug induced stupor.....not this time! I haven't taken anything stronger than ibuprofen in about 36 hours! I'm off the hard stuff!

I look forward to the Spring!


Therese said...

I will be praying for you as well this Lent. Get well soon, friend!

Bird, Frizzy and Our Little Yaya said...
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Bird, Frizzy and Our Little Yaya said...

Nancy, I can't begin to imagine all that you are going through and feeling now. All I can say is I'm so sorry. I pray your pain goes away quickly both physically and emotionally.

My experience with infertility and nonfunctioning ovaries made me feel very lost and depressed. I felt I wasn't really a woman if my body couldn't do the ONE thing God created it for! BOY DID GOD PROVE ME WRONG with that thought!

Do yourself a BIG favor and allow yourself to fully grieve your loss. It's normal to feel the way you do! I pray you remember your breasts didn't make you the person you are today.

To put it in perspective, I honestly wouldn't know if you had boobs or not. I've never met you or seen a picture of you. Heck, you could be a man acting as a woman for all I know. The point is...The Nancy I/we fell in love with through this blog is still here. ALL OF HER! We're here no matter if you're happy, sad, angry or bitter. If you can't pray another prayer we'll do it for you and with you. Hang in there! Let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do.

scmom (Barbara) said...

Give yourself time, Nancy. You should not feel "normal" for weeks (six or eight). Besides having had major surgery, you have just entered a hormonal fast. From my experience (and I did not lose my ovaries, but had more reconstruction) it is best to not compare before and after for at least six weeks. There are days you will feel great, followed by days you will feel like you were hit by a truck. Moment by moment, day by day. Try to maintain some prayer each day to ground you. Other than that, read, relax, watch movies with the kids. Have no expectations and you will not be disappointed.

Tracy said...

Praying for you always:)

Marie said...

Be gentle with yourself, dont push yourself too hard and allow not only your body to adjust but also your soul. This takes time and patience. So go gently...God Loves you, He is gentle and humble of heart, so follow His lead.

Will keep you in my prayers:)

Peace and blessings to you:)

Marie xooxoxox

Anonymous said...

Praying for you Nancy. Go slowly and allow yourself time to get used to all of this.