Just wanted to thank all the ladies who commented on my "Swing of Things" post below! As I read it over today, I realize that my mind was much more ambitious than my body! As of today (March 18th, 2009 at 5:55pm), I have done exactly ZERO of the things on the list!
I have basically been sitting around the house (more or less) since August of last year recuperating from either chemotherapy or surgery. Apparently, one of the things that goes down along with my hemoglobin level is my motivation....and physical ability. It has been hard to take it easy and allow myself to heal. I guess a part of me wants to pretend none of this has happened and just go on with life as it was on July 6, 2008. However, the world did not end on that day and July 7th and 8th did happen!
Since my diagnosis, it truly has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and feelings that has thrown me completely off balance several times. All I can do at this point is say "uncle".
Thankfully, God's grace has been evident in everything! It's all around me! Lent is a very appropriate time to contemplate the "desert" experiences that I've had over the last several months. There have been times when I just couldn't pray. God has poured out His grace on me even then...in my desert.
Can I just be honest with you right now??? Cancer S.U.C.K.S.!!! It tears your body apart and forces you to do things to yourself that sound like a science fiction movie plot. I want this to be behind me. I want to be about the tedious and mundane things of life that make sense to me....laundry, dishes, checking homework, grocery shopping, complaining about crappy drivers and just living life without constantly wondering if "the cancer is back" whenever I feel the slightest ache or pain. I want to wake up and have it all be a terrible nightmare. I want to wake up and say, "phew...I'm glad that was just a dream"! I want to look into a mirror and see my body whole again....staring back at me with all the parts I was born with. It's not fair that I have to live my life from PET scan to PET scan! This whole thing reminds me of Pigpen from Peanuts....that darn cloud of dust just follows him everywhere!
Well, anyway...I am thankful for those ladies that commented! If I'm ever going to get beyond this point...I'm going to have to rearrange my priorities. If God allows me to still be on this earth 20 years from now or 20 months from now.....it's going to be way more important to have spent time with my husband and children than mopping the dining room floor! I've always known this...but this week it took some very special and loving ladies to remind me!
Thanks again ladies!
4 comments:
Nancy, know that when you couldn't, we were and are praying for you! One day this will all be a distant memory! HUGS!
Nancy,
I just spent the better part of the evening reading through the first half of your blog, starting with July 08 and hope to continue catching up over the next couple days. From the looks of things, I have some good posts to read in November. You are BEAUTIFUL, Nancy! I know God loves you dearly, and you and your family are on the palm of His hand.
One thing I have done some thinking about (and the reason for the name of my blog): when we are struggling, I picture us on a narrow balance beam. We can't stand up there forever of our own power. Eventually, we have to fall. But we have a choice. We can either fall into despair, or we can fall onto the grace of God. Struggles can then be seen as opportunities to know that we need God's grace and as opportunities to fall onto it and rely on Him and know Him more.
I know God has already taught you a lot through your having cancer, and He will continue to teach you and draw you closer to Himself. I will continue to pray for you, and for your family. God bless you!
Kim
Nancy, it has been nearly 6 years since my diagnosis and treatment. I should be over my case of "cancer nerves", but everytime I get sick or have a "symptom", I wonder (and then obsess) if it's cancer. I think I'm becoming a hypochondriac.
I also look forward to a day where we look back at chemo and radiation in the same way we look at leeches as a medical treatment. (just as long as those new treatments do not use embryonic stem cells)
I really cannot imagine what it has been like Nancy but I do know what it is like to feel like you cannot pray and that the desert is going on forever. Like Therese said, when you cannot, we can and that is why community is so important.
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