Sunday, December 25, 2011

Bittersweet

I'm happy today!  The kids have each told me several times that this was the "best Christmas ever"!!
I'm glad that my Bah Humbug attitude didn't affect them.  That was the most I could hope for. 

Nathan served at Midnight Mass!  He did a wonderful job and I'm so proud of him.  He was very nervous!  I had to convince him that the church was so packed full of people, that no one would really notice if he made a mistake.

As I sit here with my family, ignoring the little itty bitty pieces of wrapping paper still on the floor...and watching Elf for the umpteenth time this week, I'm struck by how empty I still feel.  Joy never did reach me this year.  I guess that's OK.  A desert is a desert....even if it occurs during the Christmas season.  Perhaps God is preparing me for something major...something life changing.  It just might be that this spiritual dryness is needed.  I know (with my intellect) that God is there and has never left me.  However, spiritually, I haven't been this separated from Him before.  I feel abandoned.  I feel alone.

I'm not sure that anyone understands.  Why do I feel this way?  Why am I so depressed?  Why am I acting like this when I am so blessed?  How can I be so ungrateful.  God has given me so much and yet, I complain...I'm not satisfied...I'm empty.

If I could, I would blink and make it all go away!  All of it back into it's neat boxes...the tree taken down, all the decorations gone.  Leaving no evidence of the joy that is supposed to be in my heart right now.

Still, it's good to know that God's goodness and grace come to us...no matter how we're feeling.  I'm thankful that His love for me is not based on my emotions or my mental health at any given moment.  He was born over 2000 years ago IN SPITE of my depression and whining (that he most assuredly knew would be here) this Christmas of 2011!

The kids are asleep on the couches (Olivia on the floor) and Dan is asleep in his chair.  I think I will cut another slice of rum cake and call it a night.

I hope and pray that all of you have had a terrific Christmas and that the JOY of the season left something for you under the tree!

5 comments:

Colleen said...

God is not only with you, He suffers with you. And loves you through it all.
I hope you feel better soon. You are in my prayers.

Valerie said...

Merry Christmas, Nancy. My thoughts and prayers are with you this Christmas season. Colleen summed it up best...

BTW...you post on Fifteen moved me...you just never know how a blog post might affect someone. How I wish I could turn back the clock to 15...knowing what I know now.

Blessings,
Valerie

Barb, sfo said...

I love what Colleen said in the first comment. Amen to that!

Mary Pauline said...

I so often feel that way too - it is quite hard. . . I too am having a particularly difficult time this year. xo

Owner of Homeschool Faith and Family Life Website said...

We were watching Elf too!God bless you my dear friend and may He lift your spirits as this beautiful Christmas Season draws to a close.Amen to Colleen's comment!