My days are dark. The last two days have been particularly bad. The thing is....I can't really put my finger on the reason. All I know is I have to push away the urge to cry. Today at work, I cried most of the day. I finished off the box of Kleenex that was on my desk. Those that asked about why my nose and my eyes were red, I simply said I had a cold. One of my co workers asked me if I was OK....I told her that I was but I felt like I was hiding something from her. I just wish I knew what I was hiding.
Nathan is spending the night with Dan's sister, so after work, we took the girls out to dinner and then to Target to use a gift card. On the way home, God gave me a tiny glimpse of light for brief few minutes.....As we were driving home through one of the historic districts here in town...admiring all the pretty Christmas lights, the girls broke out in song in the backseat. In perfect harmony we heard them sing, "Immaculate Mary, your praises we sing. You reign now in heaven with Jesus our King. Ave, Ave, Ave Maria....Ave, Ave, Maria!"
Of all the songs they could have chosen to sing...they sang THAT one! Thank you, God, for small mercies!
We are home now. The girls are in bed and Dan and I are watching "The Bishop's Wife". I feel safe and secure here in my house...sitting in my chair with all my favorite things around me. It seems strange to me that this is basically the only place I am not anxious anymore. I'm becoming a home-body. It's the only place that I feel like me.
Why is this silly darkness following me? Have you seen the commercial for the anti depressant medication? You know, the animated one where the dark hole keeps following the lady? Or the magazine ad where the dark coat keeps following her? I could have written that. Seriously. It's as though all the things I hate...all the things that bother me or all the things I don't like about myself are closer to me now than they've ever been. I want it to go away. I'm tired of being followed...swallowed up.
In any event, God allowed a little ray of light tonight with my girls singing that song! I'm thankful. Oh, and by the way, I do NOT take Abilify and I am in no way advocating it just because I identify with their ads. Abilify is an anti psychotic drug. I may be depressed...but I am NOT psychotic! Just so you know!