Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Rays of Light

My days are dark.  The last two days have been particularly bad.  The thing is....I can't really put my finger on the reason.  All I know is I have to push away the urge to cry.  Today at work, I cried most of the day.  I finished off the box of Kleenex that was on my desk.  Those that asked about why my nose and my eyes were red, I simply said I had a cold.  One of my co workers asked me if I was OK....I told her that I was but I felt like I was hiding something from her.  I just wish I knew what I was hiding.

Nathan is spending the night with Dan's sister, so after work, we took the girls out to dinner and then to Target to use a gift card.  On the way home, God gave me a tiny glimpse of light for brief few minutes.....As we were driving home through one of the historic districts here in town...admiring all the pretty Christmas lights, the girls broke out in song in the backseat.  In perfect harmony we heard them sing, "Immaculate Mary, your praises we sing.  You reign now in heaven with Jesus our King.  Ave, Ave, Ave Maria....Ave, Ave, Maria!"

Of all the songs they could have chosen to sing...they sang THAT one!  Thank you, God, for small mercies!

We are home now.  The girls are in bed and Dan and I are watching "The Bishop's Wife".  I feel safe and secure here in my house...sitting in my chair with all my favorite things around me.  It seems strange to me that this is basically the only place I am not anxious anymore.  I'm becoming a home-body.  It's the only place that I feel like me.  

Why is this silly darkness following me?  Have you seen the commercial for the anti depressant medication?  You know, the animated one where the dark hole keeps following the lady?  Or the magazine ad  where the dark coat keeps following her?  I could have written that.  Seriously.  It's as though all the things I hate...all the things that bother me or all the things I don't like about myself are closer to me now than they've ever been.  I want it to go away.  I'm tired of being followed...swallowed up.

In any event, God allowed a little ray of light tonight with my girls singing that song!  I'm thankful.  Oh, and by the way, I do NOT take Abilify and I am in no way advocating it just because I identify with their ads.  Abilify is an anti psychotic drug.  I may be depressed...but I am NOT psychotic!  Just so you know!


Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie...how I can relate! I am praying for you...tie a know and hang on. The days will be better! HUGS!

Kara said...

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I've battled depression & anxiety my whole life and it's definitely no walk in the park. I hope your little glimmers of hope become full on rays of sunshine soon. I will keep you in my prayers.

Therese said...

So sorry you have been feeling that way Nancy. Prayers from me too.

This too shall pass is what I keep on saying at times like this.

Michelle said...

Keeping you in my prayers.

Thia said...

Hugs. Sorry you are having a tough time.

Barb, sfo said...

Nancy, I fight that battle myself and will add my prayers to help you through it. I *so* know that feeling of too many chinks in the emotional armor, that tears just start leaking out at any given moment for no good reason. Wishing you much sunshine!

noreen said...

I know this feeling too and I went to confession and let out all the anger I was holding onto before Christmas. I felt so much better because as I was talking... more and more came out. It felt so refreshing to let the anger, hurt and guilt out and seek forgiveness. Because I was beating myself up for feeling that way. Praying for you!