It seems I've somehow stumbled into an Advent blogging break. To tell you the truth, I don't really know what's going on with me. I'm having a hard time finding the Spirit of Christmas. Each year it comes and goes faster and faster! Frankly, I'm still stuck somewhere between Halloween and Thanksgiving.
I feel depressed and somewhat overwhelmed. Everything seems to be a chore. Every morning when I wake up, I try to think of something to blog about...but nothing comes. I thought putting up the tree would bring that festive feeling....nope. I didn't feel much like decorating the rest of the house like I usually do. But, I did it anyway. Mostly for the kids but also in hopes that it would bring a better mood....nope. Even the creche (although empty) brings me no solace right now.
There is no joy in my house. That is really a tragedy given the circumstances. Three years ago, I was begging God for my life. Today, I have my life, but I'm not satisfied. How's that for ungratefulness? I feel like such a sorry excuse for a human being...a wife...and mother. I have so much, yet I'm not happy.
I'm dreading the Christmas program at school tomorrow night. I had to search the local Kmart with a fine toothed comb looking for a red top and black bottoms for Amelia. You'd think there would be tons of red at Christmas...right? Wrong! Apparently the colors this year are pink, black, and purple. I managed to dig out a red sweater (this is Florida....no need for sweaters) out of the sale bin...and some black leggings. She still needs shoes but we don't get paid until Friday and the funds have dried up. So, I guess I'll stuff her size 13 feet into a size 12 shoe.
Olivia is covered...I've got her dress and some shoes. She really needs a pair of red socks....but again...NO RED at Kmart. I'll try Walmart in the morning.
Nathan....well, his part of the program calls for a costume that his teachers described as a "military angel"! Yes, you read that right. A military angel. I'm at a total loss with this one. A friend has an army jacket that we can borrow....but I have no idea how to make him an angel. He refuses to wear his sister's fairy wings. I don't blame him.
Anyway...to me, this is all nonsense. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up in January. Just two more days and the kids are out until January 3rd. I'm not even excited for that.
Have you every wanted to just get in the car and drive....anywhere? Have you ever wanted to just disappear...to a place where no one knows you...where you can be alone with your own thoughts and have no one bugging you? Have you ever wanted to be left alone.....for there to be no expectations of you?
I'm tired. Going to bed.
6 comments:
Oh, I am SO with you. And praying for--and with--you.
I have purchased exactly 3 Christmas gifts so far this year. There are many more than 3 people to whom we give gifts. And I don't even CARE.
Nancy-this is such a hard time of year. I've had sick kids and been sick myself. I feel nothing but stress right now. SO I am going back to my mantra of Jesus I trust in you. I refuse to let the evil one suck the joy out of the holiday if I can help it. Many hugs! If you find that hiding place, please let me know!
Totally understand dear one. Blessings.
My heart is aching as I read this post, Nanc.
If 1,163.5 miles sounds like a good drive for you...then, you are more than welcome to come and stay with ME!!! (After a day or so...you'd be BEGGING to go back to your own JOYFUL HOME!!!) LOL
My kids woke up today and said, "Daddy said that we could have the alcohol cake for breakfast today".
Hmmmmm...I suppose that would be the FRUIT CAKE w/LIQUER from Aldi's? UGH.
I have to say, that I do NOT NOT NOT miss those "events" and shows with things like "military angels" in them AT. All.
Last year, we ordered costumes from Oriental Trading, wrote a play (using the ideas in the Year with God book you gave me) and put on our own Nativity Play as a gift for my husband; then again for my brother and sister-in-law. It was the BEST Christmas "play"/"Pageant" we ever had/attended! It was simple...my teens created a set and did the lighting and the scene changes...it held the true meaning of Christmas...and we didn't have to leave the house.
The other day, I had to go to the store that I try never EVER EVER to go to...and I wasn't in there but 2 1/2 minutes and thought I would cry...I wanted to go back home so badly. It took me a full 45 seconds to determine if the clerk waiting on me was a female or male. My daughter tried to help me determine, but she too, was at a loss.
Ok...so...none of this helps you feel better, I know...so, my suggestion to find JOY again...is to go to Adoration.
Just sit there...and give your complete, UNjoyful self to Him.
And thank Him that you're here to be unjoyful. REALLY. Do that.
He understands.
My love and prayers are with you.
Call me if you feel like it:) xo
Yeah, I kind of feel like I'm more going through the motions on auto pilot this year . . . it is done (and there's some mild satisfaction in that), but . . . I even confessed Wednesday night to a priest that I'm not feeling it. Not much anyway. Maybe these are our melancholic middle years?
I'm with Barb - praying for and with you, my dear girl. The "hiding" place you are looking for? The priest gave me a clue: Mary's Mantle. I'm not kidding. I'm asking Our Mother to help me and I've felt a bit better - less afraid of my feeling down - She's bringing Her Son . . . the light is dawning and Joy is on the horizon. Jesus, I trust in You.
Thank you Nancy for your recent comment. I responded to it on my blog. Blessings to you.
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