The main reason why Dan and I were reluctant, in the beginning, to put Amelia on medication is because we knew it would be a roller coaster ride. It has been. It is.
They told us that she would have a period everyday when the medicine "wears off". They said that every child is different but mentioned that it can be a very emotional time for them. Emotional is an understatement! There are tears, there is drama, hurtful words, stomping off, slamming doors...and this can last for hours.
When we met with the Dr. a few days ago, she asked me how Amelia was doing and I had to be honest. I said that I didn't notice much change in her, at all. Behaviorally, she's exactly the same. The only change I did notice was that during two days last week, she picked up a book...all on her own...and read them...cover to cover! This was definitely a change for the good! But, she hasn't done it since and shows no interest in doing so, even when prompted.
The doctor upped the dosage on her meds. She is now on 27 mg instead of 18 mg. She said that because of Amelia's size, she will only go up to 54mg with her. Her plan is to continue to raise the dosage until we hit a place where Amelia is better, or she begins to have side effects. If this happens, she will change the medication to something else. The goal is to find a medication that works for her. I know this takes time and patience, but in the meantime, Amelia is on this emotional roller coaster and I feel terrible. This just doesn't seem right.
When we left the doctor's office, I was given an appointment sheet showing her next two appointments. When I got home and stopped to look at this sheet (so I could add the dates to our master family calendar), I noticed something that broke my heart.
This is devastating to me. Look at all the labels they have given her. Just look at them! I feel that this is all my fault. In trying to help her, I've just made her life more difficult for the future. I wanted her to be able to function socially. Now, it seems, I've just plotted a course for her life that will be even more difficult for her to overcome. Sigh.
She has her first therapy appointment today. Please pray that this goes well for her....that she can find it within herself to trust this counselor and allow her to help her find some ways to cope. Please pray for me...that the guilt does not consume me.